Truly.

Since I have a fair amount of free time on my hands right now, I figured I would try to write a little more in here since lately I’ve had a bad habit of going looong periods of time without writing anything.  Not that anyone reads this regularly, but still, the purpose of writing is to be able to keep record of thoughts and events and memories so I can look back years from now and say “oh I remember that”, or sometimes have the ability to say “look how far I’ve come”.  That’s definitely true for me, if I look back on my blogs/Journals from years ago, I’m able to laugh and feel amazed at how much things have changed, mostly for the better.

I like reading people’s blogs.  Not strangers blogs (no, I don’t go through google reading random people’s personal experiences), but I have a few blogs Bookmarked so all I have to do is click their button and go straight to their blog.  One of which is my sister in laws and if it wasn’t Private, I’d share a link with you, but I like that their details are private, so that’s that.  Anyway, my point is that last year sometime, she made a goal and started a new blog and the basic goal was to blog daily and keep record of the small, joyful moments in her life.  By having a goal to have at least one joyful moment every day, it makes you pay attention to smaller things. I love that even on BAD days, she blogs and find SOMETHING joyful to point out, even if it’s not huge or significant or anything.  The point is to pay more attention to the small joys in life rather than focusing solely on the things that frustrate you.  I don’t know if I have the dedication to do this every day (in my opinion it’s easier – AND HARDER I guess – to do this if you have cute little kids to laugh at every day) but I’m still gonna do my best to focus on joyful things from now on.  A lot of my joyful moments are created when I’m with my nieces and/or nephews.  Obviously that isn’t every day, but I always have something funny, sweet or memorable that I need to “record”.  A couple weeks ago I went to Heather and Christopher’s and hung out with the boys while they went to the temple.  We had cereal, I made Isaac some chocolate milk (which to his standards was “not really good” LOL) and played a game where you load random items onto Bullseye (from Toy Story) and once you’ve put too many items on, he bucks them all off and whoever put that last item on, loses… or if you knock something else off during your turn, you’re eliminated.  Anyway, this game was hilarious to them and I got a kick out of watching them play (I did play a few times, but then discovered that it was even funnier to watch them play on their own).  I also love that every time I’m over there, “Bart” gets brought into conversation at least once or twice (usually by Isaac, because he always asks me where Bart is).  I uploaded this video to Facebook, so you should be able to open it in a separate window.

\”Boys can have earrings… \’cause Bart has earrings… and he\’s a boy\”

Second, Eli wanted to teach me to play the board game “Ticket to Ride”, so naturally, I started singing “She’s got a ticket to ride” and Isaac said “what’s that?” and I said “The Beatles!” and he said “What’s the beatles?” …..It was obvious that my obligation as a decent Aunt was to immediately pull up the video for the song on Youtube… this video was taken about 15 minutes later. I was in the office with Eli and Isaac was in the toy room, so we heard him singing from basically across the house 😛 Had to get it!

\”Shes got a ticket to ride\”

I promise that as soon as possible, I’ll figure out how to actually post a video on here (without having to upload it to Youtube, ’cause I’m not doin’ that!)

Anyway, I thought I should also update on the job situation.  I had two interviews on Friday.  The first one was at the company that Skylar works for and the interview was awesome.  The people there seem really awesome and I feel like I would be comfortable there.  Not out of place at least.  The pay is less than I’m used to and I’d have to start on swing shift (with the chance to move to days after maybe a few months) but still, seems like a fun place to work and I won’t lie… it’d be awesome to see Skylar every once in a while rather than only seeing him at Barney birthdays and such.  The second interview was in Spanish Fork and I honestly can’t remember the company’s name, but anyway, the position would pay more and it would be 8-5 Monday thru Friday and the interview went really well, everyone seems really nice, my only drawback was that for some reason, I felt a little out of place there.  Not necessarily because of the type of people or anything, I’m not entirely sure what it was… I just sorta felt out of place    But, I would be happy to take either of them if either are offered!  At this point I just need a job.  lol  Hopefully not cleaning toilets, but if that’s what I can get, I’ll take it.  (Still haven’t heard whether I qualify for unemployment or not, so as of right now, I have literally ZERO income.)

This past weekend (Friday night thru Sunday night) Bart and I stayed at Zack’s house and babysat all the animals.  Lisa went to Mesquite for the weekend (she had a Reba/George/LeAnn concert in Vegas or something) and she left Zala and Zack went to Seattle with JJ for her brother’s birthday party/”roast”, so… we had three horses, four dogs (Max, Zala, Taco and of course Gideon) and Simba.  I’d mention the three bunnies too, but that wouldn’t really be fair considering that they’re free roamers and you don’t DO anything for them.  The horses weren’t a big deal to take care of, but lets just say that Saturday was a nightmare.  Started by Friday night not getting ANY sleep because Gideon would not calm down.  He just wanted the other dogs to play with him ALL night.  I’d also like to add really quickly that every time we go to Zack’s, Gideon ends up having the runs because he eats horse crap and gets into the other dogs’ food (which is different from his, so it gives him diarrhea) anyway, the point of mentioning that is that on Saturday morning, when I finally gave up on sleep and got out of bed, the first thing I noticed when I got up was that I smelled shit.  So, I went upstairs and sure enough, there was crap all by the back door and into the kitchen.  I knew it was Gideon because 1. it was partially runny and like I said, every time we go there, he gets the runs and 2. it wasn’t in one spot and Gideon seemingly refuses to poop in ONE spot… he moves WHILE he’s pooping.  Lovely.  So, I started cleaning that up and I heard Bart get out of bed downstairs and asked what I was doing and I said I was cleaning up shit, basically.  A couple seconds go by and I hear him yell, followed by a few pretty strong gagging noises.  Apparently there was a pile of crap in the hallway downstairs and guess what?  Bart stepped in it.  Barefoot.  (Hence; the gagging noises)  So, after I finished cleaning up the kitchen, I walked around to make sure I hadn’t missed anywhere else.  Well, there was a pile in Zack’s room too by his door going outside.  So, I cleaned that up.  Meanwhile, I had put all the dogs in the back yard… I then went downstairs to find Bart scrubbing off his feet in the shower.  I figured I’d be nice and clean up THAT pile too since I’d already cleaned up a bunch upstairs and the fact that he has an extremely sensitive gag reflex and I didn’t want him to throw up smelling it LOL So, did that.  I think that was about it for all the shit things, so then we went outside and couldn’t find Max.  He has a bad habit of running away when he’s left unattended too long.  My fault.  So, we put Zala and Gideon inside and started the search.  I got in the car and drove around and Bart went on foot. Luckily it had snowed a little that morning, so he could SEE his tracks on the sidewalk.  The tracks wove all around the neighborhood in all crazy directions, so going back and forth up and down the blocks… we looked for over an hour and I finally found him just mozying up the sidewalk a few blocks away (he had gone ALL over though, so I’m betting he was on his way home when I found him)  So, we got him home, went inside and what’s the first thing we see?  A big pile/trail of crap pretty much in the same area that it had been in the kitchen.  Yuuuup.  I tried to be understanding because if Gideon had like borderline diarrhea, it was probably more difficult to control, but I swear he doesn’t even try.  What’s really frustrating about this is that the entire time we have had him, he’s NEVER pooped in our house.  Not even when we very first got him at 7 weeks old.  He’s never, ever pooped in our house.  So WHYYYY does he poop in Zack’s house?!  The only thing I can even consider as a possibility as to why is the fact that the floors are all wood or tile.  There are only three areas in the entire house that have carpet and they’re all off limits to him with the doors closed.  So, is it the fact that the floors aren’t carpeted?  Which I am grateful for, because cleaning up crap is bad enough, but would have been a million times worse if we’d had to clean it off CARPET.  *Sigh*  It was frustrating.  The rest of the day wasn’t as bad, because we basically didn’t go anywhere or leave him alone at all.  I ran to Burger King and got us breakfast and Bart stayed there (after the morning we’d had, neither of us felt like cooking anything!) but geez, Gideon is OBNOXIOUS when he’s around Zala.  He literally NEVER wants to stop playing and it gets really overwhelming.  He’s now bigger than all the other dogs, even Max, and it’s like a hurricane terrorizing through the house when they get at it.  Man, I’m exhausted just writing about it.  Yesterday wasn’t as bad.  At least we got a little more sleep Saturday night (after Bart decided to completely separate the three dogs – Taco just stays in his bed in Xoe’s room all the time LOL) and we didn’t have any shit incidents on Sunday, so that was good.  It’s still way overwhelming to deal with three playing dogs.  Big dogs.  If they were all cocker spaniels or something, it wouldn’t be as overwhelming, but Gideon and Max alone are like 180 lbs. combined, if not more, and Zala’s not tiny either.  (Ok, she probably only weighs like 40 lbs, but still… she’s not a “toy”)  Anyway, it was nice to get home last night.  And Gideon is so worn out, he’s STILL in bed as we speak.  I had to practically force him to get up this morning, take him outside and feed him and he was yawning and dragging his feet the entire time.  He’s usually the one waking me up at 6:30 to GO! lol  He’ll probably sleep all day today!  (Not complaining!)

Hopefully I hear back from one of the jobs I interviewed for.  It’d be uber cool to get a job this week.  If not either of those too, hopefully I’ll at least get some call backs on the hundreds of other companies I sent my resume too.  *Crossing my fingers*

Alright, well that’s enough time wasted for the morning.  I just realized that I’m starving, so I’ll go find something to eat and then get started on jobs searches.  *YAY!!!* 😀

Just sayin’

I’m flattered that “Viagra” is such a huge fan of my blog.  Truly.  I really would approve their five dozen per day comments, but decided some people might get offended, so I choose not to.  Just thought I’d throw out a public apology to “Viagra”.  Nothing against you, I just don’t want your comments on my blog. 

Ok, so being unemployed sucks.  Royally.  What sucks even more is that I’ve been at a certain level for so long now that it’s really hard to accept that I may have to start lower to get any higher.  I guess UNEMPLOYED is the lowest you can get, income wise.  I don’t know yet whether I’ll be approved to receive unemployment benefits or not, so as of right now, I literally have no monetary value.  lol  So, as of tonight, I’ve begun submitting my resume to lower paying jobs, now accepting that I probably won’t start out at my usual $15/hour. I have a really hard time being home so much and it affects me dramatically to sit at the computer searching for jobs for hours at a time… not only does it make my eyeballs throb and my neck hurt, but I find myself getting frustrated pretty easily.  Life would be so easy if I could just stay in my bed all the time (of course with allotted bathroom breaks and occasional food inserts.)  I keep trying to tell myself something will come up, things will work out, but it’s really hard to feel like things will work out when you feel SO down.  Why do people always say that, anyway?  How do you KNOW it’ll work out?  What if I NEVER find a job and we can’t pay our bills and we lose our house and Bart’s credit goes to shit and the world implodes?  You never know…  I sure miss the days when I didn’t have to worry about “real” things.  Boy, do I miss running around with my friends having our biggest concern be who’s house we’re having a sleepover at, or getting caught breaking curfew by our parents. *GASP!*  Yuuup.

I am also slowly coming to accept that at this point, it’s going to be nearly impossible for me to be able to afford my North Carolina trip this year.  Unless I get a job like THIS week and am able to pay bills and save money between now and the beginning of April… it’s not gonna happen.  I just have to accept that some things are more important… and that it requires money to travel across the country.

*Sigh*

Today is Jake’s birthday.  17 years old.  It’s funny how your brain stores memories selectively.  Either a significantly memorable event, or sometimes just random ones.  This one is definitely significant, but considering I was only 8 years old 17 years ago, it’s surprising that I remember it so clearly.  I remember being told he had been born when I woke up that morning, then I remember going to the Payson Hospital and got to hold my very first nephew.  I remember thinking he was the tiniest human being I had ever seen… ’cause really at that point in my life, I doubt I had ever held a baby before, let alone seen many of them.  *Shrug*  I wanted to be with him ALL the time.  Every opportunity I got, I’d beg Lena and Ryan to let me sleep over at their house so I could play with Jake.  Then, they moved back in with us and I got to be with him all the time.  Man, I sure miss those days.  He’s just as cool to be around now… just… bigger.  Aw Jake!!!  You’ll always be my baby!! :'(

Anyway, that’s about it for now.  Happy Birthday Jake =)  I LOVE YOU!

60-ish Day Update

I haven’t updated my blog for a while and so much has happened the past few months, it’s hard to even know where to start, so I guess I’ll just start rambling, like my brain is usually doing anyway, and hopefully it won’t come out as jibberish.

So, in September I lost my job at Mangrove.  Went three months without a job and then I was hired as a Payroll Specialist for a company on December 17th.  I absolutely loved the place, LOOOVED the people, etc. and yesterday, 1/24, I was let go.  This is the first time in my life I’d been “let go” from a job because I wasn’t good enough.  I’m having a hard time dealing with the word “Failure”, which is so clearly written on my Employment Termination Form.  “Failure to successfully pass probationary period.”  Long story short –  I made a few too many mistakes on people’s paychecks and the company didn’t have the patience to keep me past a month to help me learn the system.  It’s too long of a story and won’t change or fix anything to tell it, but I feel like I was completely set up for failure, particularly with last week’s payroll (which was the final straw).  Anyway, so I’m once again unemployed.  If I hadn’t just written it, it would almost be like it never happened since it’s been so long since I’ve written! lol

A lot happened in December as far as my personal life and I won’t go into too much detail, simply because those of you who know me well enough and would happen to read this, you already know what happened and what I’m talking about and out of respect for the people involved, I’m not gonna parade around my personal issues and deface those involved.  But the result being that things are better now than they ever have been.  I’m extremely happy with my personal life and feel like I’m the luckiest girl alive.

Dustin turned 9 years old a few weeks ago.  As usual, it was a difficult day, but I can honestly say that this year was probably the best ever.  Nothing “special” happened for his birthday in particular, but my emotional support system was so much stronger thanks to open communication and love, that I felt myself take a big step this year.  I miss him as I always do, and I ache (selfishly) to know what he looks like or how he’s doing in school, the normal every day things, but that isn’t something I can control.  One more year without an update, but at this point I’m used to that.  I’m ready to really move forward with my life and allow myself to believe that I deserve to be happy.  I do deserve to be happy and from this point on, I’m gonna do what I can to make that happen for myself.  No one controls my happiness, but me.

Harmony is pregnant and due the end (ish) of June and I’m super, extremely, immensely excited!!

Bart got a raise last week, because he’s just that awesome and although he still doesn’t make as much as I think he DESERVES to make, it was a good surprise that showed him a little that they do notice how hard he works and that he deserves it.

A couple weeks ago, I reconnected (IN PERSON) with a friend (Bubbles… AKA Brittany) whom I haven’t actually seen in about 9 years, and it felt amazing.  Like that’s about all I can say about that at the moment.  Amazing.  She’s pure awesomeness in a can.  Like Spaghetti-o’s.  Or tomato soup.  (mmm… I want grilled cheese)

Jimmy was released from prison the beginning of November and he’s doing really well.  We’re doing pretty good as friends and Bart’s the most amazingly supportive person ever.  Pretty much.

Lets see… I got Donkey Kong (Wii) for Christmas, because Bart’s about the coolest person alive.   I also got it from his mom, which was odd (clearly they didn’t coordinate gifts this year!) but they’re still awesome.  This Christmas really was just about the best Christmas I’ve had in  years.  Not gift wise, but family wise.  It was an amazing feeling to spend so much time with both our families this year and I’m extremely lucky to have the family that I have.  Including Bart’s.

Um, well I can’t really think of anything else to update at the moment, although I’m sure I’ll think of something later… Maybe I shouldn’t go so long between updates next time (?) So that’s all for now.  I think.  Yup… we’re good.

9 years old.

This past year has been… Well, interesting.  I don’t really know if there’s an adequate word in the English language to really describe what I want to portray, so that’s what I’ll use.

I feel like I’ve grown a lot, learned a lot of things about myself and accepted the way things are a little more, to the point where I can acknowledge that I have the same “lonely” feeling that I do every year on Dustin’s birthday, but I’m not allowing it to control me.  I still don’t hear from his parents (although in all fairness, I did receive a letter from them in May of 2009 as well as a few drawings from Dustin) so it’s difficult to know where I should and shouldn’t allow my emotions to surface or where to stop.  It’s not going to help me at all if I dwell on my pain, but at the same time I refuse to pretend it doesn’t exist.  It is very much a part of who I am.  It doesn’t define me, but that pain is part of me and always will be.

I don’t want this post to sound bad, or depressing, because that isn’t how I mean it.  Actually, this birthday has been the most healing one I’ve been through so far since Dustin’s been alive.  A lot of it has to do with Bart and me communicating better now than we ever have in our entire relationship and for the first time I really feel like I can be open with him and know that even though he doesn’t know what to say, that he cares.  I know that a lot of it has to do with Jimmy being out of prison and in my life.  I’m grateful that he’s in my life and that I’m able to talk to him about Dustin.  It’s been even more amazing that Bart is supportive of our friendship and accepts that Jimmy really is the only other person in the world that can possibly have that connection with me and can give me support in a way that no one else can.

I was proud that I was able to work through more than half the day, because I’ve never made it that far in the past.  My emotions got the better of me around 3:30 ish and I left early.  I got to have some time to myself and then a little time with Jimmy (nothing ‘special’, I just gave him a ride to the doctor LOL) but it was nice to talk to him… then really nice to go home and be with Bart and talk and just have him hold me.  I didn’t cry nearly as much as I thought I would, considering all the other emotional things that have been going on in my life the last few months LOL but it was good.  I feel like I took a big step today, even if there was nothing tangible to represent it.  Somehow, while talking to Bart about a lot of things, I felt myself let go of a little bit… knowing that I deserve to move forward with my life.  I deserve to be happy.  Maybe even be a Mother and not have to feel guilty about that desire.  I will always love Dustin more than any words can describe, but I’m finally feeling myself loosen my hold on those emotions.  Hopefully someday I’ll be able to talk to him about it in person.

Until next year.  Happy birthday baby boy.

Angel for Chad and Tina

Last night I was able to attend a baby shower for Chad and Tina Mortensen who welcomed new baby Aria into their family.  As a Birth Mother, this shower was unlike any I’d attended, simply because as I held beautiful little Aria, I looked down at her and couldn’t help but feel an overwhelming range of emotions.  I knew this baby came from another mother, just like me.  I imagined that just a couple days ago, Aria was in her birth mother’s arms and the amount of love a birth mother has for a child that she knows she won’t be raising on her own, no words can describe.

I couldn’t help but wonder if Magui had a baby shower just like this one after she was able to take Dustin home.   I also looked at Tina talking with all the people there at the shower and the only word to describe her was “glowing”.  I can’t pretend to fully understand how it must feel for adoptive parents who are unable to bear their own children, to have a new baby in their arms almost overnight. Tina and Chad had about as much “warning” as Magui and Geary did when I decided to place Dustin for adoption, which was not a lot, but clearly she was meant to be in this family and I doubt you’d say “no, we can’t afford it” if you got that call saying a baby was coming for you.  I know Chad and Tina have done and continue to do all they can to make it work.  I heard Tina say that she felt “complete” now and it warmed my heart.  If I had the funds, I’d fund the entire adoption myself, but I don’t, so we’re asking for as much help as possible.

Please come to the Concert/Fund raiser!

Time	Monday, December 13 · 6:30pm – 9:30pm
Location	C.S. Lewis Academy 364 N. State Road 198 Santaquin, UT

Chad and Tina have just adopted their second baby. They were chosen quickly and they still need to raise a significant amount to pay for the adoption. Baby Aria Evangeline was born November 15th. Come join us for a family night full of music and entertainment. Details are still pending, but save the date!

If you are unable to attend, but would still like to contribute to this wonderful family, you can donate by sending funds to the Paypal account under email: angel4chadtina@gmail.com or by clicking on the link below. ANY donation will help.

https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_donations&business=angel4chadtina%40gmail.com&lc=US&item_name=Adoption+fund+for+Chad+%26+Tina+Mortensen&currency_code=USD&bn=PP-DonationsBF%3Abtn_donateCC_LG.gif%3ANonHosted

Unemployed Life

So, the last few weeks have been kinda frustrating.  Mostly job related.  Lets just say the job I got really didn’t end up being what I expected or “wanted” it to be.  I felt like I was being lead on and being told a lot of things which later on ended up being not exactly straight forward.  I won’t get into it too much, simply because it isn’t mature or professional to talk trash about a company I wasn’t involved in long enough to form a solid opinion on the entire entity.  I should just say I don’t think it’s a BAD company to work for, it just isn’t for me.  That reminds me, I should be able to get $70 of my $100 back for the state background check…. hmmm…

Last time I was laid off from a job (in 2007) I was very fortunate that I found a job no more than a week after being laid off.  It really was like as good as it could be.  I didn’t even have time to file for unemployment at that time.  This time has been a little different.  I’m grateful that Mangrove gave me three weeks of severance, plus paid out my PTO, so we have been alright as far as bills go… but my severance ran out the first week of October (ish) and I started getting stressed by the second week and was forced to file for unemployment.  I got my first payment last week and we were able to pay our mortgage payment for November.  Thank god for Utah State Unemployment.    Not that I ENJOY receiving it, but it’s definitely a blessing.  Makes paying taxes a little less painful when I know I’ve received some help because of it.  I got my second payment today (technically tomorrow, but whatever) so I’m not worried about my car payment next week, or insurance the next week.  It’s only about $385 a week, but it’s enough to cover the bills and that’s all that matters.  I don’t need playing money right now!  lol

I really intended on spending my “free” time as an unemployed person working on my book.  Well, in the past month 1/2 ish that I’ve been unemployed, I’ve managed to finish one chapter.  Yup.  One.  Uno.  Ein.  Une.  You get my point.  Wow, horrible.  You’d think (or, at least I thought) I would have been able to get a FEW chapters done in that amount of time.  Granted I have been studying a lot, for a test I’ll never take… but I can’t even tell you what else I’ve been doing with my time, ’cause I don’t really know.  Sure, I’ve kept the house clean…ish… but still.  UGH!  I can see how people who are unemployed for a long time end up just sitting on their butts watching day-time TV and getting fat, mooching off the state to pay their bills.  It’s a hard funk to get out of.

Skipping ahead to today, because it’s easier and I won’t bore you with rambling about minute details… Of course I’ve been sending my resume off to companies every week because my Unemployment requires me to (and I like to keep my options open), so I sent my resume to a staffing company on Friday morning and about 45 minutes after sending it off, I got a call from them saying that the position I was applying for (a payroll specialist/processing position) was looking to hire someone asap and long story short, he set me up for an interview with THEM (the staffing company) first before they’d refer me to the actual company that is hiring.  So, I met with the staffing company this morning and the interview went really well.  They gave me the basics on the job description and it all went well, so she said they’d send me resume off to the company and they’d call me back to set up a face to face interview with them.  About twenty minutes after I left, I got a call from a guy from the company basically wanting to cover a few things and get more details about me.  We ended up talking for like half an hour and he just seemed WAY cool.  He kept saying “you sound so perfect for this position!” and stuff.  Anyway, long story short (’cause I’ve already told a dozen people, not to mention updated my Facebook status to say all of this same info) they just called me and set up the face to face interview for tomorrow at 2:00!  I’m WAY excited.  The job itself just sounds SO great and pretty close to what I’m used to.  The company is a freight/shipping company and they basically have locations all around the west coast and they need someone to do payrolls for all those locations.  I’m used to doing multi-state payrolls and particularly familiar with west coast states (as far as taxes, etc.) so I just feel REALLY good about it.  The BONUS to this is that they would start me off at $17-$18/hour and after 90 days, considering that they love me as much as I plan for them to, they’d raise me to anywhere from $19-$21/hour.  NO COMPLAINTS HERE!!!!  They also offer full benefits, that the COMPANY pays 100% of, plus 401k and 12% (yeah TWELVE percent) employer match.  WOAH!  The ONLY downside, if I had to list one, is that it’s in Draper.  It would end up being about an additional 20 minute drive than what I was used to driving to American Fork, but I just told the guy “what’s another few exits?”  I think it will be worth it if they offer it to me.  I’m definitely not gonna turn it down because of 20 extra driving minutes.  I’ll probably update tomorrow after the interview and let you all know how it goes!!!   *Crossing fingers*

10/9 – 10/14

ABC’s of me

A – Age: 25 (*gag*)

B – Bed size: King…I flop around too much for anything smaller.

C- Chore you hate: Folding laundry… which is why I have clothes flailed all around my bedroom.

D – Drive: 2006 Mazda 3.

E – Essential start your day item: Phone.

F – Favorite color: Purple.

G – Gold or Silver: Silver.

H – Height: 5’6″.

I – Instruments you play(ed): Used to play the Flute.  I’m not sure if I still CAN or not… hmmm.

J- Job title: Technically, I guess “Financial Adviser”.

K – Kid(s): Dustin.

L -Living arrangements: I live with Bart.  In a house.  In a town.

M – Mom’s name: Barbara/Bobbie/Babs

N – Nicknames: Dj.  Goob(ie/er)

O – Overnight hospital stay other than birth: None, believe it or not.  I know, for a fairly destructive person, it’s surprising I’ve never been hospitalized.

P – Pet Peeve: Inconsiderate/impatient/stupid drivers.

Q – Quote from a movie: “I do not think it means what you think it means”.

R – Right or left handed: Right.

S – Schools attended: N/A

T – Time you wake up: Between 6:15-7, depending on shithead Gideon.

U – Underwear: Yeeess…?  I’m wearing bright green underwear, currently.

V – Vegetable you dislike: Lima beans….?

W – Ways you run late: Uh, I usually don’t… I tend to start getting ready like HOURS before I need to, to avoid Bart having to wait for me forever.

X- X-ray – Last x-ray was of my hand, last year.

Y – Yummy food you make: Uh, macaroni and cheese?

Z – Zoo favorite: I started writing stuff and then it got too long… so, I will just say that I really don’t have a favorite… ’cause I basically want to take all of them home.

—Yeah, so I stole that off a friend’s blog, but that just proves how badly I’d like a break from studying right now.  Bleeeech.

I figured I should also probably give a little update of the past weekend and few days, ish.  So, we shall start with the weekend and move forward…. Here you go: (10/9 thru 101/14)

10/9/10 – Took Gideon for his final vaccinations and discovered he weighs 38 lbs.  Holy shit batman.  It’s amazing that he weighed 12.5 when we got him 2.75 months ago and now he’s a fatso… but I guess that’s good.  I’m just sad he’s not teeny anymore.  He is growing huge, of course… it’s not like we can expect a German shepherd/black lab to be SMALL or anything… Anyway, I feel better that his vaccinations are done.  Made me happy that they comment on how well behaved he is compared to most puppies his age, because sometimes I feel like I’m banging my head against the wall with him.  LOL  I guess all in all he is really well behaved and learns super fast, but I have to remind myself that he is still a puppy, so some things are just gonna take time to grow out of… like biting.  He can sit, shake, lay down and he ALMOST has “stay” down.  He’s improved a TON on coming to us when we call his name… still suffers from a little ADHD so he can’t seem to always focus on us long enough to actually come TO us… like la de da we’re walkin’, walkin’ OH LOOK, A FLOWER!  ………….. *Rolls eyes* oh and he also goes to his crate when you say “bed”.  That one’s pretty cool and he is 100% house trained 😀 another fav.

10/10/10 – earlier last week, Harmony and I arranged for me to hang out with David while she and Brian went to some meeting at their church… or something (I don’t always ask details, just know that I’m chillin’ with my nephew, so it’s all good!)  Well, on like Friday I think, Harmony mentioned that David wanted Bart to come with me ’cause he wanted to play a game with him or something… so ok, whatever, cool.  So, Sunday comes around and I told Harmony I’d be there by 5:0-5:15.  I was ready to go at 4:30 and Bart was still in the shower, so I was kinda sitting here, trying to focus on not being annoyed because there are always worse things in life than being a few minutes late and wasn’t worth an argument… so, I waited… he got done, and took his sweet time getting to the car, then pointed out that I forgot my glasses (I got out, went inside, got my glasses, came back to the car) then he said “I don’t remember if I locked the front door or not”… I got out, checked the door, came back to the car… at this point I’m thinking “ooook, lets GO!” but again, reminded myself it wasn’t worth being mean over.  So we’re going… we’re driving, driving along and finally I can’t hold it anymore and I very nicely say “babe, how fast are you going?”  He looks down “Oops.  65” (Speed limit is 75 and we usually go at least 80 :P) *Insert teeth grinding* so then he takes the back roads, which he insists are faster, and goes as slow as he can.  Ok, fast forward… we got to Harmony’s house, blah blah blah, I go to the front door and it’s locked, so I knock, Harmony answers and my entire family is in her livingroom yelling “HAPPY BIRTHDAY!”  Wow.  Suddenly Bart’s piddly around and taking his sweet time, makes perfect sense.  I was so shocked, I can’t even really describe it… and of course I started crying.  LOL  First of all, I’ve never had any type of “surprise party” before and secondly, I’m ABSOLUTELY AMAZED that it was kept a secret.  Apparently they’d been planning it for a few weeks.  Bart isn’t always the best at holding things in.  Like I just mean for example, I think he ALWAYS gives me my birthday present early every year, because he can’t wait to give it to me.  I’m surprised he kept this a secret and played it out SO well… not even a slight hint at it.  It was a lot of fun… the kids picked out a Spongebob Squarepants pinata for me (totally awesome LOL) and, well nothing super special, just that my whole family (minus Addie ) was there and it was just awesome.  AND Bart got me a new iPhone 4 😀  So, that was pretty spiffy too.

Ok, now I’m skipping ahead ’cause really nothing significant happened Monday.  Or Tuesday really, other than the fact that it was technically my birthday and I am now officially ancient.  *Sigh*  25 years old.  It’s weird.  Yes, it really is.  Normally people joke and ask you if you feel any older?  I’ve always answered “no” because obviously you don’t feel any different than you did the previous day… but this time, I really did.  I looked in the mirror and immediately felt OLDER.  25 is old.  I should look on the bright side though… our car insurance has now decreased another $35, putting it below $200 for the first time in YEARS.  So yay   Lisa stopped by on her lunch break and brought me a cute birthday card (that plays the chicken song and gets it stuck in your head all day) and $200.00 cash.  Sheesh.  She instructed me to spend the money on myself… not bills or anyone else.  What am I supposed to do with $200.00?  On myself??  So… yesterday, I went and got my nose pierced.  Yuuup!  I’ve always wanted to and have always resented the fact that I’ve had jobs that deny me having it, so now that I DON’T have a job that denies my desire, I went and did it.  So THERE!!!

*Insert*  I wrote a bunch of stuff, yada yada, Published it and it kicked me out.  So, I’m annoyed now and I’m not re-writing it… so this is where I’m stopping.  *Growl*

9/29 – 10/4

9/29:  For some reason, today is a “low” day.  I’ve been unemployed for a little over a week now and emotionally, I’ve been fairly fine up until today.  I at least got a few things done last week, or at least felt like I wasn’t JUST sitting on my butt doing nothing, so I guess the week went by fairly fast and I didn’t allow myself enough quite time to actually sit and dwell on my situation.  I’ve applied and searched jobs every day….Utah job board, Monster, KSL, even “work from home” jobs that always end up feeling like a scam… and I think the more I search, the more down I feel.  Not even necessarily down because I’m not working, which there’s a little of that, but mostly because I feel like I am never, ever going to progress in life.  I feel like I’m never going to do or have the things I want.  Specifically, I feel like we’re never going to be able to afford to have a baby because unless I work, it wouldn’t work and I have no stronger desire than to have a baby and US be the one raising her/him.  Sure, we could have a baby, both work full time jobs and let the day-care center down the street raise our child, but that isn’t what I want.  I didn’t place my first baby for adoption so that I could have another baby later on and do the exact same thing I would have had to do with him.  I want to feel like I earned the right to be a Mother and actually be the one physically taking care of my own child.  Alongside of all those feelings is the part of me that feels like I have no right to think I deserve all of that.  What makes me so special, to think I DESERVE to be a stay at home Mom?  To be a Mom at all?  Then I wonder if I’m being LAZY, actually desiring to not work?  I guess I just feel overly confused right now.  All I want to do is cry.  I’m turning 25 in a couple weeks (which I didn’t fully realize, or hasn’t sunk in until like… now) and I just feel like I am going NO where.  I’m accomplishing nothing with my life.  And I’m NOT talking about a career or degree or making millions of dollars and having fancy things.  Those things honestly are not what I consider “accomplishments” at the moment.  When I said goodbye to Dustin almost 9 years ago, I promised him that I would make myself better and earn the right to be a Mother for someone else because I failed to be able to for him.  I know that sounds silly, but I really did.  I’m not saying I mentally promised it.  I literally scooped him up to my chest, his head on my shoulder and I made that promise, right to him… out loud.  I feel like I’ve done nothing to get myself there.  I don’t know what I could or shouldn’t have done to help get me there, but regardless, I feel like I’m failing.  I’m not actually DOING anything that I want to do.  I told myself I’d write this book and I’m not even halfway done with it.  I’ve been writing it for over 2 years.  Am I ever going to finish it?

I’ll try to switch to a positive note.  I did have an interview yesterday for a company called “Primerica”, which went really well.  It sounds like a job I’d probably have fun with and I know I’d be good at it, simply because I know I can be good at anything I want to put effort into learning.  To make the definition simple, the job itself would basically be a Financial Planner/Advisor.  “Primerica” is the Nations top financial planning company and apparently they’re bursting at the seams and need help immediately.  This morning I got a voicemail from the guy I interviewed with and he had emailed me a video explaining a little bit about the company and some of the things that has been said (specifically from a highlight on “Mad Money”) and it was awesome to learn a little about how prestigious the company is and how fast it’s grown (and continues to grow).

—Insert update:

10/4:  So, I wrote the above text last Wednesday, which obviously ended up in my “drafts” folder because I got distracted, so a bit has happened since then.  First of all, Wednesday afternoon, while I was having lunch with Bart, the guy I interviewed with at Primerica (Nate) called and offered me the job.  So, I started work on Thursday morning.  Pretty much all I’m doing now is training and studying, which I don’t get paid for 😛 but I basically have to study and take the state test to get my insurance license through Utah.  Hopefully that won’t take too long (all depends on how fast I can study and pass the test) because right now, I don’t actually feel like I’m DOING anything and have this slight feeling of “is this for me??” but I’m trying to keep an open mind and remind myself that I really can’t make an educated opinion of something until I’ve given it time.  Since I’m not actually doing the JOB yet, I can’t judge it.  lol The people there seem totally awesome though, which is a huge plus, so at least they keep me smiling!

This past weekend I spent Friday night and the majority of Saturday at my parents’ house.  It was actually really fun and surprisingly relaxing.  Harmony (and David) and Lena (and her kids) were up there as well, so it was nice to have everyone around and I found myself really trying to take in the simple time with my parents, and of course (two of) my sister’s.  We painted most of Saturday and got the kitchen done really quickly and I had tons of fun I love painting.  Maybe ’cause it’s one of the few times I can openly get myself messy and not worry about it.  (I had paint on myself before I actually even had paint on the roller!)  Anyway, after we were done, I brought Jake and Jairus home so they wouldn’t miss Skylar’s concert, then Bart, Zack, Lisa and I went to Texas Road House for dinner, which was super fun.  It really felt like “old times”, before Zack and Lisa had their dumb falling-out, or whatever you wanna call it.  They talked (to each other) and everything just felt right.  It felt exactly like it used to when the four of us used to go out ALL the time (seriously like at least every other weekend!)  So, without holding my breath too much, I’m really hoping things will start to improve between the two.  It sure would make mine and Bart’s life a lot easier, not to mention I truly believe the two of them would be happier too.  *Here’s hopin’!*

Bart and I pretty much lounged all day yesterday, which was nice.  We watched a couple movies: “The Crazies”… Weird. and “The Last Song”, which, although it was Miley Cyrus (UGH!) it was actually a pretty cute movie.  And yes, I cried (silently, because I HATE when Bart teases me for crying)

Anyway, that’s about it for now.  I figured I’d just get this post out of my “Drafts”.

Day #1

This is the first day of “Unemployment” for me.  It’s a strange feeling to get up on Monday morning and not have to go to work.  It felt good to get up and do stuff though, even though I knew I didn’t have a job to be to.  I woke up at 6:30 (as usual) to let Gideon out, give him breakfast and of course, “Smurfs” is on at 7:00 😉 then got ready (and by “ready”, I mean I threw on my workout pants and a random t-shirt) and headed to Santaquin to go to Zumba with Harmony.  I’m SUPER proud of myself for going.  For one, most people know that I have a strange phobia of sorts, about going anywhere in Santaquin (or Payson, for that matter) other than my sister’s house, or Robin’s house.  I don’t usually like going anywhere else, because honestly, I am slightly paranoid about running into old “friends” from my past, which is something I’d rather just avoid all together if possible… so, the step I took to even GO to Zumba was big.  Then the pride that comes with working out at the beginning of the day, aligning the rest of my day for healthy choices (hopefully).  There really is a big difference to working out in the morning, rather than the evening.  Of course EITHER is good, but I think by working out in the morning, it’s out of your way and you feel good enough that good choices (as far as food, activity, etc.) are easier to make because you already feel good about yourself.  This was one thing I admit worried me when I found out I was getting laid off.  I was worried that if I’m not able to find a job quickly, I’d fall into a bad habit of sitting/laying around doing nothing and probably just get fatter and fatter.

So, other than the obvious goal of finding a job, my goals for being unemployed (at least making use of my time) is to work out every day so that I don’t allow myself to wallow in the despair of not having a job , followed by giving as much time as possible devoted to training Gideon.  I’m hoping for “stay” to sink in as quickly as possible.  Having him zipping around your ankles when you’re trying to get out the door to get him his breakfast is quite annoying, not to mention dangerous. LOL.  …If I wallow, I’m just going to feel even worse about myself and all in all, end up 500 lbs. and doing nothing but sitting on the couch eating chocolate chips.  (What? It’s possible!)  By the way, 9:00 is like the PERFECT time to work out.  Gives me time to wake up, eat breakfast, watch cartoons (which jump-starts my good mood ) and then be awake enough to actually accomplish an entire workout.    So, that’s one thing I’ll miss out on by returning to a 8-5 job :(.  Too bad money is such a necessity, otherwise I’d definitely just choose to stay home, work out, write and focus for a little while on training Gideon.

I’m at Harmony’s right now (waiting for her to get out of the shower) and she’s coming to my house with me ’til Brian gets off work.  So, hopefully I can accomplish some things at home (particularly laundry today) and have a little fun too And if I don’t get it done today, my next project is to de-junk our bedroom and hopefully just completely get rid of a good HALF of the clothes that are in the bin.  *Crossing fingers*  I sure wish we had a dresser 😛

Changes

“Change is inevitable – except from a vending machine.”  ~Robert C. Gallagher

Well, seems like a lot has changed over just the past few days.  Realistically, not a ton has happened, but I definitely feel like a lot has changed.  I’ll cut right to the chase… on Friday (the 10th) my co-worker and I were informed that Friday, September 17th will be our last day working here.  Neither of us were surprised, because when the new company took over last year, then the economy really started affecting a lot of our clients (and things got slower and slower around here) I knew it was only a matter of time until they laid us off.  And my exact prediction came true.  All clients and payrolls are being transferred to the Vegas office and the Utah office will no longer exist as far as payrolls go.  Kent will still be here, as well as Becky – doing what exactly, I’m not positive, but… not payrolls.  Most people immediately offer sympathy when I tell them, but honestly at this point, right this moment, I feel happier than I have in quite some time.  A lot of people know I’ve been slowly declining and have not fully enjoyed my job for a while.  Not because I don’t love my job and definitely not because I don’t love my clients, but because things have been so slow, that it seems like I spend more of my time sitting here doing nothing, than actually working.  Not because I choose to be lazy, but because I have NOTHING to do.  It hasn’t been good for me.  I’ve noticed myself getting more and more depressed as time went on.  So, not only was I NOT surprised when Kent informed us on Friday that we were being laid off, but I was actually relieved.  I had a few tears after I left the office, but I’m still not sure if those were tears because I’m worried about what to do, or if they were tears of relief.  Tension releasing from me.  I don’t love the idea of being unemployed and I do hope that I can find another job quickly, but really, not even that matters to me at the moment.  I just feel a little lighter, thinking of the possibilities ahead.  Not to mention I do have an “idea” on my mind that I hope to put into effect sometime this week and see what comes of it.  I’d rather not mention it at the moment though.  Cross your fingers that it’ll work for me

I don’t really know the details of what’s happening yet, as far as what my clients are going to do, who they’ll contact now instead of me, etc. but I definitely feel kinda uneasy about that.  I know it’s probably silly to most people that considering everything, my main concern right now is that my clients don’t suffer because of this change.  They’re not going to have very much notice and I hope it’s not difficult on them, as far as getting their payrolls done when they need to, having someone give them adequate help when they need it, etc.  I just don’t know, so I feel sad.  I’m definitely going to miss the people I work with.  A few of them in particular, I’ll be sure to keep contact info. for so we don’t lose touch.  It’s amazing how close you can get to people that you’re working with/for.  I’ve worked with these people for the past three years and it really does make me sad to know I won’t be talking to them every week anymore.  *Sigh*  Change is inevitable though.  And I’m reminding myself that with each job I’ve been laid off from in the past (yup, this makes #3) better opportunities and experiences have resulted from it.  I’m confident something good will come of this.  I’m also extremely lucky to have such a supportive boyfriend.  Bart doesn’t let me worry about money.  He tells me often that he knows we’ll be ok.  Everything works out.  It’s true too.  It always does, regardless of how little money we have sometimes.  It always works out and I love that my happiness is more important to him than the income.  I’m lucky in so many ways to have him, but this is just one of the many examples.  I also love knowing that if he had the means, he’d do everything he could to allow me to stay home and write.  It’s not an intelligent idea right now for me to completely not work and stay home and write, but I love that he wants that for me.  I love that he cares about my dreams.  Either way, maybe I’ll have more time to write now   I don’t think he ever reads my blog, but still… even though I tell him I love him every day and make a conscious effort to tell him I appreciate him… I hope he really knows how much he means to me.