Just the way it is

Posted by destiny on August 29, 2011 in 2011 Entries |

Skylar and Cassie got married on Saturday!  It was an awesome wedding.  I cried (not surprising), especially watching Skylar and Cassie take their first dance as a married couple, then even moreso when Cassie danced with her Dad.  LOL  I’m such a baby.  But she looked beautiful and it was one of the funnest, laid back weddings I’d been to (as far as weddings go…)  Everyone who knows me knows how I feel about weddings in general, so it was pretty good!  :)  Heidi flew down from Seattle to be here for it, which was awesome, although she flew back home again this morning.  It was cool to have her here though.  It’s not very often (ok, NEVER) that she comes to Utah twice in one year!  Here are a couple pictures:

Skylar & Cassie (Mr. & Mrs.!)

First Dance

My parents with ALL of their Grandchildren, including their newest :)

And now there are 12!

Of course since this was a Barney wedding, all the Barney-extensions were there.  We’ve been very close to Ryan’s family since Lena and he got married in ’93.  They may as well be my brothers and sisters and Aunts and Uncles.  Travis (Ryan’s youngest brother) was there with his son Sebastian.  Most people that would potentially read this will probably know who this is without explanation, but those of you who don’t – Sebastian and Dustin are about 2 weeks apart.  Laurie (Sebastian’s Mom) and I were pregnant together for our entire pregnancies other than the two weeks between when Sebastian was born until Dustin was.  They looked SO much alike when they were born, everyone commented on it.  As I received pictures while Dustin was growing up, it was almost eerie how much they looked alike.  They could easily be mistaken for at least brothers, if not twins.  It’s always a little difficult for me to see Sebastian, especially the past few years when more and more time goes by without me hearing from Dustin’s parents, or seeing a picture of him.  I don’t KNOW what Dustin looks like.  I haven’t seen a picture of him since he was 4 years old, so my mind automatically connects Dustin with Sebastian.  I see Sebastian and have to force myself to keep the tears from rushing down my face, mostly because I don’t want to freak him out and wonder why I’ve suddenly gone crazy.  lol  But really, I talked to him on Saturday and watched him and David playing together (it was kind of cute that David and Sebastian were basically inseparable the entire evening) and I can’t help but wonder if Dustin looks that way, or if he has the same mannerisms, or likes the same things.  It’s been a couple years since I’ve seen Sebastian in person (seeing pictures of him is even difficult sometimes) so it was sort of a shock to me to see this completely “grown up” little boy that talks like a normal person and does things independently, etc.  It’s strange that he’s not a little boy anymore and SEEING him not a little boy made me realize even more that Dustin is no longer a little boy either.  It’s really difficult for me to actually grasp that sometimes, considering that the last picture I have to look at is him as a 4 year old boy, so that’s how Dustin still is in my mind.  I can’t help it.  If I have no other image to put in my mind, he basically stays a little boy forever.

So… kind of on the same subject (and I’ve actually started to write about this quite a few times and haven’t been able to get the words out), but I dropped off a letter to Dustin’s parents a few weeks ago.  The 11th, to be exact.  It was a Thursday and almost 5:30 when I got there.  The lady that now handles all the correspondence at the agency leaves at 5:30.  I was fortunate enough that she happened to still be there, although her door was already closed and she basically took the letter just to save me another trip, but she informed me that she didn’t work on Friday’s, so she wouldn’t be calling the adoptive parents until Monday (the 15th).  Of course I didn’t argue… not like I have any choice since I have no other options of communicating with them! 😛 Well, in this letter, I offered them my email address as a possible form of communication, thinking maybe it’s a little too difficult for them to get to the agency (I know that it’s fairly difficult for me, so I just thought maybe it is for them too… I don’t know where they live or how often they’re over that way).  I’ve been a little anxious about it… for some reason this time I have a different feeling.  I always get my hopes up when I send a letter off, thinking maybe *this time* they’ll respond and I’ll get a letter.  Obviously that hasn’t happened since 2006, so I don’t really know what’s different about this letter, but I really have been feeling like maybe they’ll answer this time.  It’s stronger than I’ve ever felt before.  I fully accept that it’s possible that my hope has just built too high this time, that for whatever reason, my subconscious is allowing it to go past the point of no return… it’s very possible (and in all reality – pretty likely) that they won’t respond, that it’ll be no different than the past hundred letters I’ve written (ok, not a hundred, but still…) so I don’t know.  Anyway, I got a little overly anxious last week, so I called the agency (on the 23rd) to confirm that the letter had been picked up.  It hadn’t.  The second she said “It’s still here”, my heart sank.  I felt like I was going to throw up, it hit me that fast.  I built up enough to ask if she could tell me whether the last letters I’d dropped off (months ago) had ever been picked up.  She quickly confirmed that ALL letters I’ve written in the past have been picked up and signed for, so not to worry that far.  I asked when they called them and she said “we called them on the 18th”.  ….the 18th?  So, it sat there for an ENTIRE week before they even called to tell them they had a letter waiting?  Then she informs me that they don’t make another attempt to contact until like 3-4 weeks after the first attempt.  There’s nothing I can do about it, so I just said “thank you” and that was that.  I have no control over contacting them, so this is what I have to do.  Well, I tried to be patient, but it didn’t work as well as I thought… I called again today.  I asked the lady if they had picked up the letter.  She said “No, they haven’t.”  I immediately started crying.  I apologized over and over.  I really felt frustrated that I couldn’t control my emotions and that this poor woman was the one caught in the crossfire.  I apologized more and tried to explain that I’m feeling anxious about this particular letter and blah blah blah and she said “normally I only call a couple once a month if they have a letter waiting, but I’ll set aside everything else right now and call all three numbers that I have for them.  Would that help?”  …I think I said “Thank you, thank you, thank you” at least 20 times.  Cried some more.  “Thank you” some more.  Said it would really mean a lot, yada yada yada.  I really do appreciate the agency.  It isn’t their fault when I feel overly frustrated.  It isn’t their fault that Dustin’s parents haven’t written, or that they haven’t picked up their letter.  *Sigh*  Just sometimes it’s frustrating not knowing where to direct my emotions when no one, including myself, can control this situation.  I do hope they pick it up… but I don’t think I should call to ask again.  It won’t help me.  If they’re contacted twice, they’ll obviously know it’s there… it’s up to them whether they pick it up or not….  All I can do is hope.




Posted by destiny on August 26, 2011 in 2011 Entries |

Growing up in Santaquin, our “front” bathroom (we called it that because it was toward the “front” of the house and the second bathroom was the “back” of the house…) was a narrow, fairly small bathroom with no windows other than a sky-light.  The hallway through our house was very narrow as well, which prevented said bathroom from having a normal swinging door, so it had a sliding door, very much like the average sliding closet door.  I had this memory pop into my head this morning, completely randomly, but I smiled thinking about the good memories.

I loved growing up in that drafty, creaky old house.  My mentioning the front bathroom has a purpose, because it was the start of my memory this morning.  My siblings and I used to go in there with a bouncy-ball, close the toilet lid, plug the sink, close the cabinets and sliding door and throw that bouncy-ball as hard as we could at a wall, or sometimes up into the sky-light and watch it bounce hell-crazy all around the bathroom until it either got caught somewhere, or hit one of us in the head.  This was hilarious and we’d do it over and over and laugh hysterically.  And we did it often.

My happiest childhood memories consist of us coming up with the most random ways to entertain ourselves.  We never sat around and did “nothing”, or watched TV, or played Video Games (Video Games were something we rented once or twice a year (along with the console) – particularly Thanksgiving vacation, but never did we OWN one).  We created games like “Roof-to-roof”, which was played on rainy days and was played by us running between the different awnings around our house trying to see who could stay the driest, and spent a lot of time climbing the trees in our back yard, convinced that we could see all the way to Provo if we climbed to the VERY top (realistically, it was probably just Payson -MAYBE Spanish Fork- we were seeing, but that’s ok…)  All throughout the summers, we would sleep on the roof of the carport, or sometimes the roof of the house, as often as we could.  For this very reason, I’ve told Bart that the next house that we buy (or if we’re able – BUILD) I want to have at least one section of the house that has a flat roof, so we can sleep on the roof on warm nights.  We played “night-games”, which for one reason or another were 10 times funner at night than during the day, even though most of the games we played were easily “day-games” too 😛  NIGHT games, that had to be played at night, were mostly “Ghost in the Graveyard”, or even “Hide-and-seek” was funner at night, because we’d all dress in our darkest clothes and make it way harder for the person who was “it” to find us hiding.  Sometimes we’d simply lay flat on the ground in Grandma-Mary’s (next door neighbor) huge back  yard.  When it was dark enough, you could potentially trip over someone “hiding” on the ground before you ever saw them.  I miss the days when playing “Night-games” wasn’t considered dangerous and our parents didn’t really think about us getting kidnapped or murdered…  I wish there was a way to keep certain things sacred, even to psychos.  If kids want to enjoy playing games with their friends at night, it should just be universally untouchable by all bad people.  LOL

My sisters and I used to put tights on our heads and pretend we had long flowing hair, or we’d crawl around gracefully on the back of the couches and pretend we were cats (often resulted in me falling off the back of the couch and getting bruises, but I never minded).  I miss cushion “forts” and times when we would string bed sheets all around the living room to create HUGE clubhouses that basically prevented the living room from being used properly at all.  I’m glad our parents never seemed to care.  I don’t remember ever being scolded for pulling all the cushions off the couch, or COVERING the room with sheets.  I do remember our Mom being a little paranoid about us sleeping on the roof and expressing her discomfort about it, but she still never forbid us from doing it.  I always wanted to tie bed sheets around my neck so that I could run around with the biggest flowing “cape” there was.

I love the smell of tools, car grease and Home Improvement/Hardware stores, because they remind me of my Dad.  Him taking me with him on service calls/jobs and letting me hand him tools.  Once, while driving on the freeway heading to a job, he told me that you should never, ever “drink and drive”.  On another drive, I saw him took a big long drink out of his water jug and I stared at him and said “YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO DRINK AND DRIVE!” and he laughed.  I didn’t see how doing something so dangerous could be so funny.  Feeling SO cool riding in the “Jolly Green Giant” (My dad’s work truck that was dark forest green).  His hands drumming/BEATING on the steering wheel while listening to “The Moody Blues”.  Until I was at least 12 or so years old, in order to talk into my Dad’s “good” ear (he is completely deaf in his left ear) I had to hold out both of my hands, turn around so that I was facing the same direction he was and consciously think of which ear matched my left hand… once that was figured out, I could turn around and talk to the correct side.  I love the creases next to my Dad’s eyes, which have been there as long as I have memory of, because he’s always smiling or laughing.  I used to rub my fingers against those “laugh lines” and he’d say that I put them there because I was so funny.

Whether I see it, or simply smell it, “Oil of Olay” face cream makes me think of my Mom (I’m pretty sure she still uses it…).  Every night before bed, she’d ask us if we brushed our teeth and when we said “yes”, she’d make us blow in her face so she could smell the toothpaste.  Sometimes I lied and she’d make a twisted, exaggerated “EW” face that made me giggle myself purple (then she’d make me REALLY go brush my teeth!) She used to lightly rub my arms with her fingertips to make me fall asleep and I’d make request for songs for her to sing.  My favorite song was “Our House”.  Once, I had failed to complete my chores for the day (dishes) and she came home from work late that evening and saw the dishes still piled in the sink.  I had already played all day, which I knew very well I wasn’t supposed to do without having done my “job”.  She told me I had to wash the dishes before I went to bed and proceeded to sit at the kitchen table, patiently waiting, not saying anything, and stared at me while I stood at the sink crying about how tired I was and that I was probably going to die if I was forced to do ALL of the dishes before bed.  I’m pretty sure I ended up falling asleep at the sink and to this day, I’m not sure if I finished those dishes, or if she did after I went to bed.  Either way, every time I tell myself that I’m gonna do the dishes “tomorrow”, I have flash backs of that night.

My dad gave us a huge REAL chalk board and Heidi and I had it in our room.  I was once REALLY angry at my Mom (for what, I have no idea) and she had made me stay in my bedroom.  I wrote “I Hate Mommy” in big, huge writing on that chalk board and a little while later, Daddy came in to talk to me about whatever horrible thing I had done (and was for sure guilty of) and he asked me who wrote that on the chalk board.  I lost all my fury and strength instantly and said “Heidi did!”

Wanting to tag along with Lena everywhere she went – sometimes she’d let me go, even if she was going to hang out with her super cool teenage friends.  I admired everything about her from the way she walked, to her super frizzy 5 inch-high bangs to her faded frayed jeans with holes in the butt (she wore black stretch pants underneath).

Christopher teaching me to play basketball.  Him shooting me in the leg (by accident) with a BB gun and the awe-inspiring speech about how guns were not meant to play with and he would protect his sisters by any means necessary if there ever came a time where he had to shoot someone with his BB gun.  Christopher spraining my ankle the day before third grade; by swinging me around in circles (by holding onto only my ankle) and letting go, then the indescribable guilt he had as he stayed by me when I lay on my death bed from said ankle sprain.

Harmony forbidding me from touching her dolls or coloring in her coloring books, then every once in a while, she’d let touch her dolls with supervision and letting me have ONE page in her coloring book.  Harmony teaching me to outline every picture before coloring it in, and coloring with light swoops, keeping your crayon/colored pencil going the same direction the whole time.  Breaking/shattering (and ripping the toenail completely off) Harmony’s big toe by smashing the kitchen bench on it -while she was sweeping, I sat on the bench rocking it back and forth and her nicely saying over and over “stop swinging the bench, it’s gonna fall over!”

Sharing a bedroom with Heidi and her telling me not to touch her side of the room.  I don’t remember how that worked out since we pretty much always had bunk-beds.  Sometimes I thought Heidi had died in her sleep because she didn’t move or make any sounds.  Once, when I was maybe 7-8 years old (which made Heidi 10-11), we were riding our bikes up and down the block and for reasons I don’t remember, she called me a Bitch.  I screamed at the top of my lungs that I was going straight home and telling Mommy, which resulted in the most intense bike-race home that you can imagine.  I FLEW down the street with her close at my heels, flailed off my bike the second I reached our house before my wheels even had a chance to stop spinning, RAN into the house, into my Mom’s bedroom where she and her friend sat talking and as loud and as strongly as I could muster, interrupting whatever conversation they were in the middle of, screamed “HEIDI CALLED ME A BIIIIIIITCH!!!”  I don’t even remember what happened or what our punishment was (’cause I’m sure she punished us both… she never just punished ONE person because there was always at least a little fault on both sides).  …Falling off the top bunk bed in my sleep… on numerous occasions… and I still wanted the top bunk.  …Eventually my Mom made me take the bottom bunk – the way of convincing was telling me it would be easier for her to sing to me and rub my arms if I was on the bottom bed.

A few earlier memories (really, my EARLIEST) happened in our Genola house.  We would play “butt bumpers” by sitting on the top of the stairs and gradually “bumping” our way down to the bottom on our butts.  It’s no wonder we didn’t all have bruised/broken tail bones at one point or another… My Dad built my sisters and me a HUGE doll house with multiple levels and tons of rooms.  When I say HUGE, I mean it was really huge.  Heidi and I could fit in one of the rooms together if we curled up in a ball together.  We still have that doll house.  It’s currently at Lena’s house (disassembled, but still there!) I don’t actually remember ever playing with dolls in it (although I’m sure we did…) but I remember playing with the house itself ALL the time.

You know… as sappy as it may sound, I couldn’t be more grateful to my parents for the memories I have as a child.  I have very few “bad” memories.  I love that I still have close relationships with all of my siblings and that most of us (excluding Heidi, who lives in Washington :( ) live close enough that we can see each other often.  Regardless of distance, I’m glad that we have close enough relationships to know what’s going on in each other’s lives and talk to each other often throughout the week to know even the smallest details.  It’s sad to me that kids growing up right now don’t have the same freedoms I did when I was young, because the world is becoming a more and more unsafe, scary place.  I hope that people raising small children right now can at least try their hardest to keep some of that innocence alive.


1 Year Later

Posted by destiny on August 4, 2011 in 2011 Entries |

This morning after Gideon and I came in from playing outside for a bit, I asked if he wanted a treat and of course he ran straight for his “bed” – where his crate used to be and he still knows that the area where it used to be is “bed”.  I wanted to take a picture of him, as I do often, and after I took it, I realized it was almost exactly the same as a picture I took of him a year ago, just a couple weeks after we took him home.  I can’t believe how much he’s grown, and it’s funny that most of the time, I don’t even notice how big he is until I look at little pictures of him.


August 24, 2010


August 4, 2011

He weighed about 9 lbs. when we took him home for the first time.  He now weighs 93.5 lbs.  WOW, babies grow fast! 😛 but look how handsome :)


Busy, happy week.

Posted by destiny on June 30, 2011 in 2011 Entries |

This past week, (starting Thursday, June 23rd) has been pretty busy.  In a good way.  First of all, Thursday morning started with going to the hospital to hang out with David while Harmony and Brian went in for a c-section.  A few hours later (around 10:55 AM) Lydia Avigael was born.  8 lbs. 11 oz. and 20-1/2 inches long.  She is beautiful and I am oh-so in love (as are her parents and BIG BROTHER!)  :)

Most of the morning, while Harmony was getting prepped and everything, David and I played in the hallway, walked around, etc. and he kept talking about how life-altering this day was.  Of course, he’s 5, so he didn’t use those exact words, but kept saying “I’m turning into a different person today!” and how great being a big brother was going to be.  He talked about how everything he had was now “theirs” instead of just his… I actually tried to convince him that *his* things were in fact still HIS, but he wouldn’t agree – kept saying “No, big brothers share everything”, so… I wasn’t gonna argue.  LOL  My mom had sent them with a present for David to open and he kept saying it was for him AND Goldfish.  There was no convincing him otherwise, so we basically said “oh, well ok!”  After Harmony was brought back into the room; tummy significantly smaller 😉 she informed David he had a little sister.  YAY!  He was quite impatient and couldn’t wait to see her, so I brought him downstairs (after he made SURE Harmony was ok) to look through the nursery window.  Brian was in there and was grinning from ear to ear as he held up his PINK wrist band.  David could see Lydia through the window and was in awe.  He kept trying to climb up higher so he could see her.  He kept saying things like “being a big brother is the best feeling in the world!” and when he heard her crying through the glass, he was concerned and said “she wants her big brother!”  Of course we couldn’t go IN there, so we had to wait like a full 5 minutes before they brought her out so he could see her.  He loved her chubby cheeks (and still, a week later, tells everyone that her cheeks are his favorite part of her).  She had a significantly high heart beat when she was born (which quickly corrected itself – no concern), so just to be cautious, they brought her to the NICU for 24 hours for observation.  I was sad about this, mostly because it meant that Harmony would not get a lot of one-on-one time with her baby girl.  This happened when David was born because of his extremely low blood-sugar and I think the lack of physical contact was hurtful to Harmony at the beginning.  But even with the 24 hours in the NICU, they are doing great and Harmony glows with a huge grin every time she looks at her.  I was also very proud of Brian for insisting that before the nurses whisked Lydia off to the NICU, that they bring her to Harmony at least for a few minutes.  He was insistent on that and I definitely think it helped.  She got at least 10-15 minutes with her before they took her.  10 very important minutes.  I firmly believe that the physical contact between mother and child as early as possible are very important.   Later, Brian and I went downstairs to the cafeteria to get lunch and I kept laughing when I looked at him because he was so giddy, he looked like a little boy on Christmas morning.  He kept randomly breaking silence with “hehe, I have a little girl” and at one point started laughing out of nowhere and said “I have two kids!”  He even told the two children (couldn’t have been any older than 10 years old) in the elevator on the way back upstairs that he had a new baby girl.  To say that he’s totally and completely “smitten” by this little girl is an enormous understatement.  LOL  Anyway… she is beautiful, she and Harmony are both doing wonderfully and they were released Monday morning and are now home.

Our annual family camping trip started the next morning.  So, we all went up to Timp. Campground and the majority of the family is still up there as we speak.  Harmony actually came up Monday morning after being released just to spend a little time with the family and finally give Pa his chance to hold his Grand daughter for the first time (no one was allowed to hold her in the NICU :( ) I spent most of the weekend going from the campsite down to the hospital as often as I could, so I was grateful that we camped locally this year.  It’s been really fun, just to relax up in the mountains, play games, sit around and talk and just not think about all the other stresses that have been on my mind.  Bart wasn’t able to come up until Saturday afternoon and had to go home Sunday because he had to work Monday, but I was really happy he got to come up at all.  Gideon stayed the night as well and I was pretty impressed with how well he did, considering he’s never been camping before.  Of course there was the initial spazzing when we got there and he had to make everyone say “hi” to him, but all in all, I was happy he was up there too and got the experience.  I actually got to be completely alone up there for a few hours on Monday while everyone went to the cave and I was amazed at how relaxed I felt.  I read my book most of the time, but just sitting in almost complete silence, other than the birds chirping and the few seconds of my face-to-face with a deer (lol), it was very relaxing and was surprised at how easily I let go of all the other things that have been weighing on my mind lately.  Heidi and Matty are visiting from Washington as well, so it’s been nice to spend time with them (and see Matty getting to know our family.  He fits right in!)  (I have lots of camping pictures on Facebook, if you want to check them out.)

Isaac, Nevaeh, Kaitlyn, Eli

Marshmallow Wars

Brian wanted to camp, but really didn’t want to leave Harmony alone at home, so I stayed at her house with her and Lydia Tuesday night.  I loved every minute of it, even being woken up 4+ times throughout the night.  I helped feed her (Harmony is pumping so even when she isn’t breast feeding, Lydia is still getting her milk instead of formula) and change her, which included one slightly explosive diaper that went halfway up her back LOL and rocked her and sang to her.  If you have to be ridiculously physically tired the next day, that’s gotta be the best reason.  Even though at least one of the times I woke up, I could hardly keep my eyes open, looking at her and having her open her eyes and look straight at me, was the best feeling in the world.

The past couple weeks, David has periodically asked me “what’s it feel like to be an Aunt?” and the only answer I could really come up with is “it’s the best feeling in the world!”  I’m sure most of you who know me, know that I still have that piece of me that aches every time I hold (or see) a new baby, because I can’t help but relive the brief moment that I was a Mother, holding my newborn son, but the only feeling that can even remotely measure up to that moment in my life, is holding my nieces and nephews and knowing that I’ll be able to hold them the rest of my life.


Posted by destiny on June 20, 2011 in 2011 Entries |

First of all, the job interview I mentioned in the previous post… well, I doubt that’s gonna happen.  For one, when they called me, they told me they were interviewing myself and one other person that they had previously interviewed months ago.  Then I called back a couple days later and was told by a different person that they were interviewing TONS of people and it would be “a while” before they made a decision.  Basically eliminated my hopes to Zero.  The End.

I’ve been having a really hard time thinking straight lately.  I don’t know what I want to do.  I don’t know what I can do and it seems that no one’s willing to give me a  chance either way.  I feel trapped.  I feel useless.  I’m trying really hard not to constantly be a huge downer, (I really do try and most of the time I’m able to pull of a fairly content front so people aren’t constantly asking me how I’m doing…) but still, I just feel like I’m standing still in life.  I see hardly anything happening in my future and I feel like I’m gonna die without having accomplished anything, or done anything.  -This thinking may be what lead me to the current craziness that everyone seems to be against.  I applied for a (seasonal) job in Alaska, working at some fishing lodges.  I’m acquainted with the man that owns said lodges and we had a really good professional relationship, so unless he is just completely fully staffed, which is possible considering the season actually started a month ago, but I think there’s a chance he might be willing to give me a job.  Room and board basically included.  Bart is always great and his response to me telling him about this was “if it’s something you want to do, go for it.”  On the inside, I know he thinks I’m insane and maybe there’s even part of him that thinks I can’t do it.  I don’t really care much.  I’m not saying I don’t care what he thinks, but in general, all that matters to me is that he’s supportive (even if it’s fake support) and kisses me goodbye when I go.  Their season only goes until mid September and honestly, I think it would be good for me to get away from here without doing something completely irresponsible and possibly damaging things permanently.  I figure I can’t really afford to just run away somewhere just to take time for myself, so the next best thing would be to run away and WORK while I’m at it.  I think it’d be good for me.  For a lot of reasons.  Honestly though, with my luck, it won’t happen anyway, so it won’t hurt anything to have tried.  I know everyone is laughing at me about it, (other than maybe Michelle, Harmony and Robin, who actually agreed that it would be good for me…) but honestly that actually motivates me even more to see if it’s possible.  I simply feel like with every person that tells me that’s crazy, it’s one more person telling me that I “can’t”, which is what motivates me to try for it.  It’s nice to know that people in my life don’t think I can survive on my own… and without Bart “taking care” of me, I’d be nothing.  Comforting feeling, really….   *Thumbs up*  …Don’t get me wrong.  Bart DOES take care of me and I appreciate his hard work more than anything.  I appreciate him more than anything right now, because without him, I’d probably just never get out of bed.  But what I’m struggling with is the fact that people seem to think I CAN’T survive without him taking care of me.  I’m referring to a comment like “you think you could live without Bart for three months?”  Would I miss him?  Absolutely.  Could I physically breathe in and out and feed myself and bathe myself and go to the bathroom and go from point A. to point B.?  Yeah, actually, I think I probably could.  Thanks.

On a happier note – I’m down 8 lbs.  Woot.


There’s light at the end!!!

Posted by destiny on June 3, 2011 in 2011 Entries |

This week has been pretty eventful!  I haven’t had any luck on jobs for WEEKS and then I had an interview on Wednesday at a place in Spanish Fork (Administrative Assistant for a Real Estate company), which went really well and they said they’d call me to let me know… then that same day, I got a call from a company that I interviewed with like back in February or March or so for a Payroll Processing position, (which at that time they’d decided they weren’t ready to hire someone) saying that I was in their top 3 favorites and out of the three, they were only able to get a hold of me and one other, so asked me to come back in for an interview.  I just got home from said interview and it went AWESOME!  Out of all the interviews I’ve had over the past 5 months, this was definitely my favorite place and I love the people.  The first time I interviewed, it was with three people from their payroll team and today when I interviewed, it was 4 people (new people, not the same ones as last time).  On my way home, I stopped by Bart’s office to tell him about the interview and stuff and then as I was leaving, they called me to ask if I could come back around 3:00 to meet with more of their team members.  (Of course I said yes!)  I wonder if they’re having like everyone in the team meet with the candidates to get everyone’s opinion.  LOL  Which is pretty cool, if you ask me, since they’re the ones that get to be stuck with whoever Management hires…  I have a good feeling about it.  It’s definitely a good sign that they want me to come twice in one day, but of course there’s always the chance that the other person might be more qualified than me or something, so as much as I want this job, I won’t cross my fingers too tightly, because it’s just kinda been my experience over the last few months how easy you can lose a position by just a hair difference from someone else.  I have to believe that if it’s what’s right for me, it’ll happen.  If not, something will happen for me sooner or later.  :)  We’ll see!

So, tomorrow is Harmony’s baby shower (due in like three weeks!) and technically I’M in charge of it.  I’ve never thrown a baby shower, nor do I really know HOW to.  Sure, I’ve BEEN to baby showers, but it’s never really been my type of thing.  I’m not very creative with that type of stuff and I’m not super good at the girly things, so we’ll see how it goes.  I’m glad Megan’s going with me though.  We’re sleeping over at my Mom’s house tonight (since that’s where it is) and she’s gonna help me.  Phew.

Tomorrow is also Kaitlyn’s “Little Miss Santaquin” pageant.  It’s at 6:00, so depending on when the shower is over, I’m pretty much gonna drop Megan off at home and head down to Santaquin.  Fun, busy day ahead!

I’ve restarted my workout schedule and been trying really hard to stay on track.  I haven’t missed a day, other than Monday, since last Thursday, so I’m pretty proud of myself so far :)  I’m even more proud of myself for working out this morning before I got ready for my interview and stuff.  Normally, I probably wouldn’t, even knowing that I wouldn’t do it later.  So, that’s a big step for me.  MAKING time to work out even when I know I have things to do.  Hopefully if I get this job, I’ll be able to make myself wake up early every day to work out before I leave.  I admit I’m kinda worried about a new job affecting my work out.  Sounds silly, I know, but I REALLY can’t let it affect me this time, because I NEEEEED to lose the weight I want to.  I’ve been more unhappy with my body lately than like EVER before and it’s affecting me a lot.  So, I hope I have the strength to not give up!


The Hunt continues…

Posted by destiny on May 25, 2011 in 2011 Entries |

Well?  The past few weeks have been pretty skimpy on the job search.  After my discussion with the Unemployment Office and them describing to me the massive decrease in job listings, at least now I know it’s not just me.  It’s Novell.  When the whole story about Novell laying off 800+ employees circulated, it was just same old same old to me, hearing about another company that got bought out and a bunch of people lost their jobs.  I thought about all those people who were thrown into the same position I am and how I know how it feels.  I imagine a lot of those people have families to support, maybe even on their own without a spouse or significant other to help.  Not once did I think “well that’s gonna hurt MY chances of finding a job”.  It didn’t even cross my mind… until I talked to the Unemployment Office.  I’ve spent the past 5 months (it’s been 5 months yesterday since I was laid off from Nexeo) trying as hard as I can to find a job.  I’d get a few interviews a week, most weeks, and at least have “leads” to follow up on.  The past few weeks, not only have I not had any interviews, but there have been VERY little, some days Zero, new job listings on the DWS website.  I called that day to find out about filing extensions and through random conversation, the guy mentioned that he understood how hard I was trying, they could see record of what I apply for, etc. (same thing the lady said to me the day I whailed on the phone for 15 minutes) and then he started telling me how since the Novell lay offs, the county’s available jobs have almost disappeared overnight.  He said something along the lines of “We’re not talking a small little blip, I’m saying a significant blow”.  Meaning, there are SO many people unemployed in Utah County right now, that the jobs that WERE available are all taken and any new jobs that may become available have SO many people applying for them, that employers aren’t even remotely considering someone that they aren’t “sure” about.  He was nice about it, but told me I’m in that group where I don’t have enough experience to seriously be considered for most of the jobs I would be going for.  I don’t even care about that anymore.  Yes, I’d like to stay in the same area as I have been for the past 8 ish years.  I’m good working in an office, but at this point, I don’t even care if that’s what I get.  He more or less (without actually saying it, because I’m SURE they’re not allowed to say it) implied that I should keep doing what I’m doing, but just collect unemployment until I can’t anymore and hopefully jobs will become more available at that point.

So, this is where I sit, currently:  My unemployment benefits expire this week.  I got a payment yesterday, but my remaining available balance to be used is $1.00.  (Seriously.  $1.00.  Couldn’t they have just given me that $1.00?  Whatever.)  So, on Sunday when I would normally file my weekly claim, I have to reopen/file a NEW claim.  I’ve been told now by two state employees that I will “automatically be approved for a 20 week extension”, but there may or may not be a lapse in payment while that’s being approved.  I don’t know what “automatically” is supposed to mean in this instance.  So, I’m prepared to possibly not have a payment next week.  It’ll be fine, but I can’t help but feel stressed about it.



Thanks Marilee!

Posted by destiny on May 23, 2011 in 2011 Entries |

So many of these made me laugh, like pathetically a lot… so I had to share:


1. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.

2. More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.

3. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

4. I don’t understand the purpose of the line, “I don’t need to drink to have fun.” Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they’ve invented the lighter?

5. Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you’re going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you’re crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

6. That’s enough, Nickelback.

7. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

8. Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the “people you may know” feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?

9. Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn’t work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ’s. We just figured it out. Today’s kids are soft.

10. There is a great need for sarcasm font.

11. Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f was going on when I first saw it.

12. I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I’ll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone’s laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I’m still the only one who really, really gets it.

13. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

14. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

15. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

16. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.

17. A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

18. Was learning cursive really necessary?

19. Lol has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say”.

20. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

21. Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

22. My brother’s Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, “Cuz we beat you, and you hate us.” Classy, bro.

23. Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”.

24. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?

25. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

26. Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using ‘as in’ examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss’s last name to an attorney and said “Yes that’s G as in…(10 second lapse)..ummm…Goonies”

27. What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

28. While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it…thanks Mario Kart.

29. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

30. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

31. I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

32. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

33. I would like to officially coin the phrase ‘catching the swine flu’ to be used as a way to make fun of a friend for hooking up with an overweight woman. Example: “Dave caught the swine flu last night.”

34. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.

35. Bad decisions make good stories

36. Whenever I’m Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don’t mind if I do!

37. Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

38. If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

39. Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I’m from, this shouldn’t be a problem….

40. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

41. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t want to have to restart my collection.

42. There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

43. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

44. “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this ever.

45. I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV.. There’s so much pressure. ‘I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching this. It’s only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?’

46. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What’d you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?

47. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

48. When I meet a new girl, I’m terrified of mentioning something she hasn’t already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

49. I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it’s on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

50. Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles…

51. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

52. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

53. It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

54. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

55. Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn’t know what do to with it.

56. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time…

57. It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

58. I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

59. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

60. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.



Posted by destiny on May 9, 2011 in 2011 Entries |

Not only has it been a long while since I’ve written on here, but a lot of people have noticed that I haven’t been “around” much.  I’ve definitely had a lot of things going on in my mind the past few months, but the good news is, I can feel myself coming out of it.

I still don’t have a job.  I apply for as many jobs a day that I can physically do, yet still no job and my unemployment expires in about 2 weeks left.  Fortunately, after stressing myself sick, I built up the courage to call the Unemployment office and ask about extensions.  I had heard from someone that Utah wasn’t doing extensions on claims, so it really freaked me out.  I was worried that if I called and asked about it, they would perceive that as “obviously I have no intention of getting a job, so I’m just gonna ask about extending it 4 weeks early to make sure I can keep collecting money.”  Something like that.  So I felt horrible calling.  The second the woman answered the phone, I burst into tears.  I’m thinking maybe the tears helped (LOL) because she was immediately sympathetic and very nice to me.  The people that work at the unemployment office are usually not so nice.  Can’t really blame them, though.  I can only imagine the type of people they talk to all day… anyway, I told her my situation and that I’ve been unemployed since January and I feel like I’m working as hard as I physically and emotionally can stand to find a job and still nothing good has come of it.  She made me feel better by saying that they could SEE how many jobs I apply for each day (and that’s JUST from the DWS website… that doesn’t factor in jobs I apply for listed in local Newspapers, Monster.com, Indeed.com, Jobs.com, etc. etc. etc..) and she said that I apply for more jobs in one day than most people do in a whole week.  Whether she was saying that just to cheer me up, or not, it made me feel better.  She also said that if I haven’t found a job by the time my benefits expire, I’d immediately be granted a 20 week extension.  I said something along the lines of “I hope to God I don’t have to use that, because I think if I’m unemployed for 20 MORE weeks, I’ll go insane.”  *Sigh*  I’m trying SO hard to believe that something good is out there for me.  I constantly feel guilty watching Bart go off to work every day and working all day, paying our bills, taking care of everything, while I basically do nothing.  That’s how it feels.  I’ve focused very hard lately on paying as MUCH attention as I can to how lucky I am to have him.  The small things he does, all the way to the biggest things, like going to work every day and NOT making me feel guilty of the fact that I am not working.  I’m so grateful for him.

This past week, we started on (and finished!) our fence.  It’s funny, because when we bought this house, we SWORE that fencing in the back yard would be the very first thing we did.  Well, obviously now that we’ve been here almost two years, that clearly wasn’t the first thing we did.  Main factor being that fence supplies cost MONEY (Gasp!  Really!?)  Yeah… well, we finally just did it.  We’ve been trying for a WHILE now to get a good weekend (weather wise) to start it.  Last weekend was sunny, so we just up and decided “Lets do it NOW!”  So, we did.  Nick and Megan were over here every single day for the past week, helping with the fence and hanging out.  Last week, I think, is what gave me a push to get out of my slump.  It might sound pathetic, or just really weird, but having Megan here every day REALLY helped me in a lot of ways.  For one, I was motivated to get dressed every day.  LOL  That might sound reeeaally dumb, but seriously, when all you do all day every day is get up, search for jobs online, make phone calls, etc. etc. etc.  What’s the point in getting dressed?  It’s not like you SEE anyone!  I did, however, shower and get dressed on interview days, but you get my point.  Plus, having someone to talk to (other than Gideon… no offense pup) was really good.  Sometimes I feel like I’m so closed off from the outside world.  So, without blabbing too much about it… it was really nice to have her around and I’m grateful for her putting up with me.  I dropped her off at the airport Friday afternoon and literally laughed at myself because as I was leaving the airport after giving her a hug and watching her struggle into the airport with a baby stroller AND luggage cart, I felt like I already missed her.  Just simply that I’ve enjoyed having a woman around that listens and can relate to me.  And I won’t lie, having baby Jacklynn around has does amazing things for my soul.  She’ll be gone for 18 days visiting her family back east.  Hopefully Nick doesn’t spend all his time cooped up in the basement while she’s gone 😛 lol  Sooo… the fence is done.  And I love it.  And I love that Bart is such a hard worker and spent extra time to make it as perfect as possible.  It’s so beautiful and straight and level and perfectly spaced.  lol  I love his “perfectionist” tendencies.  Gideon loves the yard and I love that he can run around without being tied to a rope in the front yard.  Now the next project will be making a lawn back there.  *Sigh*  (Btw, there are tons of pictures posted on Facebook if you haven’t seen it already.  I’m not posting them here too 😛 )

I’m surprised I even want to talk about this, because honestly I didn’t plan to, nor did I think that I could talk about it… but… *Shrug*  A couple weeks ago, Jimmy told me that his girlfriend is pregnant.  We were talking (texting) normally… casually, as normal friends do (asked him how his camping trip went, etc. blah blah) and he said “I have something to tell you”.  At this point, I was cutting vegetables and preparing dinner to put in the crock pot for that night.  The second I read it, my mind immediately said “Please don’t tell me she’s pregnant”.  I knew.  Then the next text… “Emily is pregnant.”  This is the part that I hate to admit anywhere that I know there’s a chance people are gonna read it…. but to say that my responding reaction was “unexpected”, is a large understatement.  I SO did not expect my reaction, that I think it was even more extreme than it would have been.  At first (for a few seconds) I read the statement, then turned to continue cutting vegetables.  Focused on cutting them and getting it done… then out of no where I started hyperventilating, followed quickly by sobbing.  I ended up on the kitchen floor with my knees pulled up to my forehead, just sobbing uncontrollably.  Why?  No idea.  I certainly had no clue what to say to him, because I didn’t even know what I was doing or why.  After a few minutes of this, I decided I needed someone to talk sense into me.  Help me figure out WHY it was affecting me at all.  I started feeling angry that it was affecting me and didn’t understand why I cared at all.  I called Michelle.  The only person I could think to call, really.  LOL  Poor girl.  But it’s things like this that act as a small reminder to me of how great of a friend she is.  I barely had to say anything (couldn’t really, because I could hardly breathe) and she sat and calmly told me to take deep breaths and to calm down.  We talked for a while and got to a point where I was breathing normally and not fully sobbing anymore.  Enough to let her return to her work LOL.  I love knowing that if she hadn’t been at work, she probably would have stayed on the phone with me all afternoon.  Actually, work or not, she probably would have.  I’m blessed to have such a great friend.  ANYWAY… now, like 2 weeks later… I’ve finally been able to sort through most of my feelings and figure out WHY I feel the way I do.  SO many things went through my head that day and at least the whole week following, it really affected me poorly NOT knowing why I felt the way I did.  I won’t go into everything, detailing what was going through my mind, but the conclusion was this:  I struggle with the fact that MY son is going to have a sibling… and the fact that it isn’t going to be from me.  Not that Jimmy is having a child and it isn’t with me… just simply that my (our) child is going to have a sibling that isn’t coming from me.  I don’t know if that makes sense.  Well, it does to me.  I admit there’s part of me that thinks “he’ll be there for her the way he wasn’t for me”, but I’ll just get over that.  But Dustin having a biological sibling will be forever.  It’s also frustrating to me that a lot of people in my family, and some of my friends, disagree with how I feel about it.  Meaning that I WANT Dustin to know as much as he can about his biological families.  As it is, he knows everything about me, Bart, my family, my nieces and nephews and so forth.  So WHY would I NOT tell him about this?  I’ve had people say “it isn’t your news to tell”.  Well, for one, Jimmy isn’t going to write him.  He never has, so I don’t see why he would now JUST to tell him “hey, I’m having another kid.”  …Doubtful.  Secondly… Jimmy and I are friends.  No matter what my temporary emotions are, Jimmy still is one of my best friends, so when he shared his information with me, I don’t see why I can’t tell OUR son.  Not to mention that I would MUCH rather he just grow up knowing about his biological families, rather than him possibly decide he wants to find/meet us one day and THEN find out he has biological siblings.  I just think it’d be a lot better for him to know these things before hand.  I’ve already made a very strong effort throughout the last 9 years to eliminate as many questions as possible.  That doesn’t guarantee how he’ll feel about me (or “us”) in 10-15 years, but at least I know I tried all I could to make sure he doesn’t suffer in any way, shape, or form.  So, that’s that.  I’m going to tell him when Jimmy is comfortable with me telling him.  (Also keep in mind that these letters go through his parents, so it’s at THEIR discretion when or IF he knows these things…)

Ok, so that aside…

Mother’s Day.  I almost wish that was all I had to say.  LOL  …”Mother’s Day.  The End.”  This year has been strange for me.  I always know I’m going to struggle at least a little on and around Mother’s Day.  This year has been hard.  I had a really hard time dealing with the fact that I could not make it to the event in North Carolina this year.  I just couldn’t afford it.  Not only did ticket prices more than double from what they were last year, but not having a job made me feel like I shouldn’t be spending money at all.  And to be perfectly honest, I didn’t think it was going to affect me that much.  SURE I was sad that I wasn’t gonna see Coley and Lani and all my friends that I have come to love so much, but I didn’t think missing the “event” itself was going to affect me as badly as it did.  As that weekend crept up, I felt myself feel more and more sad, then to the day where I would have been arriving if I’d gone.  I cried pretty much the whole day, off and on.  I got a call that night from Coley and got to talk to Ali as well.  It really brightened my mood.  I definitely missed them and I wish I had been able to go, but them calling me made my day.  Made my weekend.  At least I knew someone else thought of me.

Birth Mother’s Day (the day before Mother’s Day; for those of you who don’t know) kind of came and went.  I thought about it the whole day, but at least had working on the fence to distract me a little.  Bart and I spent most of the morning between Home Depot and building/putting together the gate kits (more like he put them together and I sat holding things when he asked) and then Zack, Xoe and Nick came over and we had a BBQ and played “Bullshit” and it was fun.  The hardest part about the day for me, oddly, was every time I got a notification from Facebook from “Birthmothers Oasis”, I would have a wave of emotions.  I’m not exactly sure how I became a part of that group… I imagine I must have “Liked” it or something at some point, but I really don’t know.  But basically a group of Birth Mothers commenting on how their day was going, and so on… but I struggled a LOT with reading posts from women saying how their day was made when their child’s adoptive parents sent them a card, or an email, or pictures, or something.  Don’t get me wrong… I AM happy for birth mother’s that receive correspondence from their child’s parents.  I really am.  But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t HURT me when I’m reminded over and over of what I DON’T have.  What I DON’T receive.  What I wouldn’t give for a letter from them right now.  Or even better; a picture.  What I wouldn’t give…

I received a text from Heather, wishing me a Happy Birthmother’s Day and once again confirming how wonderful of a sister (“in-law”) she is.  As usual, she’s one of the very few who go out of their way to acknowledge me as a Mother… and acknowledge Dustin.  She always says something on his birthday too.  She’s one of the few people I can be completely open with about how I feel about this particular topic and not feel like I’m “boring” her, or that she doesn’t care to hear it.  I know that sounds mean, but it’s true… that’s how I feel with most people when I try to talk about him.  Anyway, it meant a lot.

Something strange went through my mind yesterday.  I mean, I’m USED to Mother’s Day being a difficult day.  And I’ll admit that when I woke up yesterday, I almost immediately had tears in my eyes.  I tend to try to avoid it, but I just let myself cry for a bit.  In between those tears, I had a feeling that was new.  I sat there on my bed and cried and found myself thinking… Am I crying because of the baby I let go of 9 years ago?  Because I missed out on him growing up and the milestones in his life?  That’s I’m sort of in “limbo” when it comes to this celebrated holiday because I gave birth to a child, but am not raising him?  ……or am I crying because I so badly ache to BE a Mother and I’m not. ….?  This is the first Mother’s Day since Dustin was born that I actually found myself aching for the fact that I WANT to be a Mother and I’m not.  The more time that goes on, the easier I find it to talk about this particular topic.  I used to intentionally hide how I felt about this, but I’m just not going to anymore.  I think almost everyone knows now and won’t be surprised when I say that the past few months, maybe even a year, I’ve become more and more “ready” to be a Mom.  It’s something I think about every single day and something Bart and I talk about.  I won’t go into detail and obviously it isn’t happening right now (I say “obviously” because OBVIOUSLY I’m NOT pregnant…) but my point is simply that this is the first Mother’s Day that I’ve found myself crying for a different reason OTHER than simply aching for the child I wasn’t able to raise.  It was a strange change of emotions for me.  Either way, yesterday was an ok day.  I felt “down” most of the day, but it didn’t consume me… and I got to spend almost the entire day cuddled up next to my love, even though we didn’t do anything special, it was just right.  Again, I don’t think I’d ever be able to say it enough times…  I am so grateful for him.  He may not always understand me, or my emotions, or agree with me… but he’s as supportive as he can be when he doesn’t fully understand the reasons behind it.

I feel really jumbled today, like I have so many things on my mind and can’t straighten all of them out… but as for right now, I need to get back to my job search.  *YAY*!  (::Insert eye roll here::)


Posted by destiny on February 17, 2011 in 2011 Entries |

Today was a good day.  The past few days, actually, have been pretty good.  No, I still don’t have a job, but I’m applying for jobs every day and I’m confident that the right job will come to me if I keep trying.  I actually had a pretty awesome interview yesterday (I was there for over an hour!) and I’m trying not to get my hopes up too high, but I really want this job.  Hell, my hopes are already up, so who am I kidding?  It just sounds so perfect and the people seemed really nice.  I was grinning when I left, so that’s a good sign, right?  I should know by tomorrow or Monday whether they want me back for a second interview and he said he wanted to make a final decision by Tuesday or Wednesday of next week and have someone start right away.  A huge plus to this job would be that it’s right next door to Bart’s work and the hours seem to be the same, so we could drive together every day and save a lot in gas.  Anyway, I shouldn’t talk about it too much ’cause the more I do, the more I want it!

I feel like I’ve gone shopping like every day this week.  Oh, wait… it’s ’cause I have!  I’m not very good at grocery shopping by myself, ’cause I forget things. LOL  Or I get frustrated that I can’t find things and give up and then I have to go back the next day, or to a different store, to find it.  At least I feel useful though.  One less thing for Bart to have to do!

Today, out of no where, I felt the need to write Dustin a letter.  I don’t really talk about it much to other people, so it’s not really something that you would know, but I haven’t written to Dustin in probably 8-9 months.  This past year, particularly the past few months, have been really difficult for me emotionally and for some reason every time I would sit down and start to write to him, I’d get maybe one line in and go blank.  Not even necessarily go “blank”, but what I wanted to say wouldn’t come out.  It’s very frustrating, because I WANT to write so badly, but I also don’t want to send a robotic, generic “Hi how are you?  I’m fine.” type of letter.  It just isn’t my style.  So, today when I just started writing out of no where, I was surprised.  It felt good.  Before I knew it, I had written almost  6 pages and it felt like a relief.  There has been so much I’ve wanted to write for so long and to finally get it all out just felt amazing.  I cried for probably ten minutes afterward and I felt like a weight had been lifted.  I also called my case worker (although it was after 5 and I knew she wouldn’t be there), but I left a voicemail and basically asked if she could either call Dustin’s parents, or talk to their case worker, and see how they would feel about us transferring our correspondence to the Springville agency.  Until a couple weeks ago, I didn’t even know there was a location in Springville (only discovered it because I brought Jake to a counseling appointment there).  In my defense, I learned that it hasn’t been there very long.  They just built it recently.  How recently, I’m not sure (coulda been there the entire time I’ve lived in Springville, but that’s not the point!) Since I don’t know where Magui and Geary live, I don’t know if it’ll be convenient for them, but I’m hoping that we can transfer everything there because not only would it be extremely convenient for me, but I don’t have any emotional “trauma” tied to that building, so maybe I wouldn’t have such a hard time dropping letters and gifts off.  I tend to put off sending things for way too long because I hate going to the building itself.  I literally have anxiety attacks, regardless of my mood at the moment of arriving.  I walk into that building and feel like my chest may cave in and I can’t breathe properly.  It’s not even a conscious thing, I just know that my subconscious ties every step I take in there to the steps I took the last day that I saw Dustin.  The last day that I held him, or kissed him, or said “I love you”.  It ties the most painful time in my life and I just flat out don’t enjoy going there.  Not to mention that Sandy isn’t even there full time anymore (fairly certain she transferred to the American Fork location) so I pretty much have no reason to WANT to go there.  At least seeing her every once in a while before made it bearable, but now that she’s never there when I do go there, I just don’t want to be there at all.  So, I’m really hoping that they’ll agree to the Springville location.  Side note – I know a lot of people have asked me “why don’t you just mail your correspondence to the agency?”  Well, it’s not even an option in my mind, so don’t try to suggest it.  That causes even more of an anxiety attack than me going there.  I know it’s probably like borderline unhealthy, but I’m so worried that if I mail it, that it won’t get there, then I’ll never know whether they got it or not.  I ALREADY don’t KNOW for certain whether they get my letters and gifts, but at least if I physically bring it there, I know that I got it there.  Whether they pick it up or not is out of my control.  So… that is why I don’t mail stuff there.  No discussion.  :)

I took Jake to counseling this morning and then brought him back to Santaquin.  While I was there I stopped at Harmony’s to look through a bunch of stuff she’s getting rid of to make room for the baby and I am starting to get even more excited for the baby now, because Harmony has a VERY visible “baby bump” that’s so cute.  I can’t wait for this baby to get here.  It might ease my baby hunger temporarily.  LOL  Only 4 more months!!

Last night Bart’s friend Russell called him saying that his brother was having trouble with his computer and asked Bart if he could help.  Well, he couldn’t really diagnose it over the phone, so we decided to go over there and since we were going there anyway, we brought Gideon with us.  Russell is who we got Gideon from, and he has Gideon’s brother, Duke.  Russell’s PARENTS have Gideon’s Mom (Sage) and his sister (Piper), so when we got there and had the three siblings (all big black dogs) and their Mom, it was a pretty cool thing to me.  They had a blast together too.  Piper was really funny and totally snapping at Duke and Gideon to leave her alone (PMSy sister! LOL) so Duke and Gideon pretty much played and played until Duke was worn out and Gideon had no one to play with.  We need to get them together more often.  It was so cool to see how similar they are, but have such different personalities.  It was also really sweet, for me at least, to see Gideon with his Momma.

Oh, by the way, I did finally receive correspondence from DWS and I was APPROVED for unemployment benefits, so I at least have a little bit of money coming in now.  Not that I enjoy being on unemployment, but I do enjoy being able to pay my bills and not having Bart stressed about everything.  Even better, I got my Federal tax refund last week (way unexpected… it was super fast!) and then the same day I got my unemployment deposit, I got my 401k money that I requested, so for a brief time, I had over $2600 in my account and it looked ever so pretty.  Since I was approved for unemployment and no longer NEED the 401k money, I put that into my savings, along with the Federal refund, so for the first time in like… ever… I have over $1700 in my SAVINGS account.  (W0000000T!!!)  Such a good feeling.  Now….. hopefully I get that job! :)

Copyright © 2007-2023 Destiny Grace All rights reserved.
This site is using the Desk Mess Mirrored theme, v2.4, from BuyNowShop.com.