This past year has been… Well, interesting. I don’t really know if there’s an adequate word in the English language to really describe what I want to portray, so that’s what I’ll use.
I feel like I’ve grown a lot, learned a lot of things about myself and accepted the way things are a little more, to the point where I can acknowledge that I have the same “lonely” feeling that I do every year on Dustin’s birthday, but I’m not allowing it to control me. I still don’t hear from his parents (although in all fairness, I did receive a letter from them in May of 2009 as well as a few drawings from Dustin) so it’s difficult to know where I should and shouldn’t allow my emotions to surface or where to stop. It’s not going to help me at all if I dwell on my pain, but at the same time I refuse to pretend it doesn’t exist. It is very much a part of who I am. It doesn’t define me, but that pain is part of me and always will be.
I don’t want this post to sound bad, or depressing, because that isn’t how I mean it. Actually, this birthday has been the most healing one I’ve been through so far since Dustin’s been alive. A lot of it has to do with Bart and me communicating better now than we ever have in our entire relationship and for the first time I really feel like I can be open with him and know that even though he doesn’t know what to say, that he cares. I know that a lot of it has to do with Jimmy being out of prison and in my life. I’m grateful that he’s in my life and that I’m able to talk to him about Dustin. It’s been even more amazing that Bart is supportive of our friendship and accepts that Jimmy really is the only other person in the world that can possibly have that connection with me and can give me support in a way that no one else can.
I was proud that I was able to work through more than half the day, because I’ve never made it that far in the past. My emotions got the better of me around 3:30 ish and I left early. I got to have some time to myself and then a little time with Jimmy (nothing ‘special’, I just gave him a ride to the doctor LOL) but it was nice to talk to him… then really nice to go home and be with Bart and talk and just have him hold me. I didn’t cry nearly as much as I thought I would, considering all the other emotional things that have been going on in my life the last few months LOL but it was good. I feel like I took a big step today, even if there was nothing tangible to represent it. Somehow, while talking to Bart about a lot of things, I felt myself let go of a little bit… knowing that I deserve to move forward with my life. I deserve to be happy. Maybe even be a Mother and not have to feel guilty about that desire. I will always love Dustin more than any words can describe, but I’m finally feeling myself loosen my hold on those emotions. Hopefully someday I’ll be able to talk to him about it in person.
Until next year. Happy birthday baby boy.