9/29 – 10/4

9/29:  For some reason, today is a “low” day.  I’ve been unemployed for a little over a week now and emotionally, I’ve been fairly fine up until today.  I at least got a few things done last week, or at least felt like I wasn’t JUST sitting on my butt doing nothing, so I guess the week went by fairly fast and I didn’t allow myself enough quite time to actually sit and dwell on my situation.  I’ve applied and searched jobs every day….Utah job board, Monster, KSL, even “work from home” jobs that always end up feeling like a scam… and I think the more I search, the more down I feel.  Not even necessarily down because I’m not working, which there’s a little of that, but mostly because I feel like I am never, ever going to progress in life.  I feel like I’m never going to do or have the things I want.  Specifically, I feel like we’re never going to be able to afford to have a baby because unless I work, it wouldn’t work and I have no stronger desire than to have a baby and US be the one raising her/him.  Sure, we could have a baby, both work full time jobs and let the day-care center down the street raise our child, but that isn’t what I want.  I didn’t place my first baby for adoption so that I could have another baby later on and do the exact same thing I would have had to do with him.  I want to feel like I earned the right to be a Mother and actually be the one physically taking care of my own child.  Alongside of all those feelings is the part of me that feels like I have no right to think I deserve all of that.  What makes me so special, to think I DESERVE to be a stay at home Mom?  To be a Mom at all?  Then I wonder if I’m being LAZY, actually desiring to not work?  I guess I just feel overly confused right now.  All I want to do is cry.  I’m turning 25 in a couple weeks (which I didn’t fully realize, or hasn’t sunk in until like… now) and I just feel like I am going NO where.  I’m accomplishing nothing with my life.  And I’m NOT talking about a career or degree or making millions of dollars and having fancy things.  Those things honestly are not what I consider “accomplishments” at the moment.  When I said goodbye to Dustin almost 9 years ago, I promised him that I would make myself better and earn the right to be a Mother for someone else because I failed to be able to for him.  I know that sounds silly, but I really did.  I’m not saying I mentally promised it.  I literally scooped him up to my chest, his head on my shoulder and I made that promise, right to him… out loud.  I feel like I’ve done nothing to get myself there.  I don’t know what I could or shouldn’t have done to help get me there, but regardless, I feel like I’m failing.  I’m not actually DOING anything that I want to do.  I told myself I’d write this book and I’m not even halfway done with it.  I’ve been writing it for over 2 years.  Am I ever going to finish it?

I’ll try to switch to a positive note.  I did have an interview yesterday for a company called “Primerica”, which went really well.  It sounds like a job I’d probably have fun with and I know I’d be good at it, simply because I know I can be good at anything I want to put effort into learning.  To make the definition simple, the job itself would basically be a Financial Planner/Advisor.  “Primerica” is the Nations top financial planning company and apparently they’re bursting at the seams and need help immediately.  This morning I got a voicemail from the guy I interviewed with and he had emailed me a video explaining a little bit about the company and some of the things that has been said (specifically from a highlight on “Mad Money”) and it was awesome to learn a little about how prestigious the company is and how fast it’s grown (and continues to grow).

—Insert update:

10/4:  So, I wrote the above text last Wednesday, which obviously ended up in my “drafts” folder because I got distracted, so a bit has happened since then.  First of all, Wednesday afternoon, while I was having lunch with Bart, the guy I interviewed with at Primerica (Nate) called and offered me the job.  So, I started work on Thursday morning.  Pretty much all I’m doing now is training and studying, which I don’t get paid for 😛 but I basically have to study and take the state test to get my insurance license through Utah.  Hopefully that won’t take too long (all depends on how fast I can study and pass the test) because right now, I don’t actually feel like I’m DOING anything and have this slight feeling of “is this for me??” but I’m trying to keep an open mind and remind myself that I really can’t make an educated opinion of something until I’ve given it time.  Since I’m not actually doing the JOB yet, I can’t judge it.  lol The people there seem totally awesome though, which is a huge plus, so at least they keep me smiling!

This past weekend I spent Friday night and the majority of Saturday at my parents’ house.  It was actually really fun and surprisingly relaxing.  Harmony (and David) and Lena (and her kids) were up there as well, so it was nice to have everyone around and I found myself really trying to take in the simple time with my parents, and of course (two of) my sister’s.  We painted most of Saturday and got the kitchen done really quickly and I had tons of fun I love painting.  Maybe ’cause it’s one of the few times I can openly get myself messy and not worry about it.  (I had paint on myself before I actually even had paint on the roller!)  Anyway, after we were done, I brought Jake and Jairus home so they wouldn’t miss Skylar’s concert, then Bart, Zack, Lisa and I went to Texas Road House for dinner, which was super fun.  It really felt like “old times”, before Zack and Lisa had their dumb falling-out, or whatever you wanna call it.  They talked (to each other) and everything just felt right.  It felt exactly like it used to when the four of us used to go out ALL the time (seriously like at least every other weekend!)  So, without holding my breath too much, I’m really hoping things will start to improve between the two.  It sure would make mine and Bart’s life a lot easier, not to mention I truly believe the two of them would be happier too.  *Here’s hopin’!*

Bart and I pretty much lounged all day yesterday, which was nice.  We watched a couple movies: “The Crazies”… Weird. and “The Last Song”, which, although it was Miley Cyrus (UGH!) it was actually a pretty cute movie.  And yes, I cried (silently, because I HATE when Bart teases me for crying)

Anyway, that’s about it for now.  I figured I’d just get this post out of my “Drafts”.