Venting

So, for a fairly outgoing person, I’ve been having an unusually difficult time expressing my thoughts/emotions lately. I don’t know why and it’s starting to get to me. Up until last month, I REALLY thought that I have grown a ton the past 6 years. I’m a birthmother, it’s just who I am and I deal with it the same as any person deals with anything in their life, but the past month or so, I feel like I’m falling fast.

It’s been 2 years since I’ve heard from my son’s adoptive parents and the more time that goes on, the more my mind is thinking up random stuff. I guess I’m trying to convince myself of a REASON. Why would they just STOP writing me? Our “agreement” was that after 2 years, they’d send me a picture and/or letter on or around Dustin’s birthday every year. At least that’s what I understood, so maybe I need to ask my social worker if I’m making stuff up… So, I think once a YEAR isn’t that difficult!

I’ve tried to convince myself of the generic reasons: They have a family, busy lives, they probably want to move on with their lives, etc. etc. etc. but I’m just starting to get so frustrated and depressed about it that I’m throwing the NICE reasons out the window. I’m starting to dread the thoughts of: Maybe they don’t want him to know about me, what if they aren’t even keeping my letters and the pictures I send him, what if they don’t want me to be involved at ALL? I don’t know what I’d do. I feel TERRIBLE for thinking these things because I love them so much. Other than this, I’ve never felt anything negative toward them. I just don’t know what to DO! I’ve tried twice now to call my social worker just to ask her what she suggests or what I can do, but she hasn’t returned my calls so far and now that’s really getting to me. I brought a present, card and letter to the agency for Dustin’s birthday in January and I’m wondering if they even went and got it….

Am I being psycho? I mean… am I honestly losing my mind? Should I back off and try to forget about trying?

Ok… well, I don’t feel much better after ranting, but at least I’m not holding it in anymore.

Support

I may have told some of you that I joined an adoption forum last month and I just have to express how amazed I am with how much it’s helped me.  I’ve already gone through 6 years alone (of course I’m not ALONE, but hopefully you know what I mean) and now after 6 years, I finally feel like people really, truly understand me.  Last night especially…  A couple weeks ago a girl started a thread in the forum basically describing how she has a hard time remembering things that happened during the birth and placement of her child and she wanted to know if anyone else felt that way.  By reading this topic, I suddenly felt very comforted in some of the things I’ve had to deal with.  She had first said:

“There is very little I remember about before and after the adoption of my daughter. What I mean is it almost felt as if I went into a world of my own. I do remember bits and peices. I remember the day I made the decision (at least the few minutes surrounding this), I remember going to the hospital, hearing “it’s a girl”, crying in a high back chair in the evening but I have no memory of anyone coming into my room to take vitals. I do remember telling my Pastor what I was doing because he thought I was having my appendix out.  But, that’s really about it. I sorta zoned out and went on auto pilot afterward.

I think back especially to the day that I signed her away. I remember the caseworker coming to my mom and dads and sitting on our couch. She handed me an envelope with her pictures and my asking her to hold the pictures until after I signed. Signing the papers and opening the envelope to see the pictures. But that is all I remember of that day. I have no idea what happened after opening the envelope. ”

I can’t say my experience was the same as hers, but I can definitely relate to the “auto pilot” feeling.  Other birth moms responded:

“I went numb for years afterward too.  I think it’s a defense mechanism our body has for us because it’s just too painful. Our bodies just deal with pain differently than others. That may be why other girls can recall things that we can’t about our pregnancy and child birth. I definitely understand!”

“Gosh ladies…   I thought i was the only one that couldn’t remember much at all…. I feel so guilty about everything anyway and not being able to remember much about when Jason was born was making it even worse..  I guess this is the way the good Lord makes it, so we can survive…  My prayers are with all of you….”

I had describe the way I experienced it as: It’s not that I don’t remember the experiences, but sometimes it’s as if I’m just watching a movie from someone elses view.  The things that I remember feel so far away that it’s as if it didn’t happen almost.  I think all our experiences are different in some ways, but I think giving away something so attached to your heart… you mind blurs it to make it less painful in a way.  I will say that now, 6 years later, I can remember some things that I couldn’t before.  I think as time goes by, my mind is releasing some of the memories that were maybe too painful for me before.

Other people have said:

“It felt like I was watching a movie of some other girl the whole time. ”

So, I guess it has just really helped me to know that I’m not the only person that feels this way and has viewed my past in this way.  I don’t feel as crazy anymore!  I wish I had found this site and forum a few years ago.

Groove

Today is such a beautifully wonderful day.  By the time I got out of the shower this morning and started getting ready for work, the sun was shining and POURING through my windows.  It’s so wonderful.  I’ve been craving the sun really badly this week and I’m really soaking it in now.  We have all the blinds open in the office and just letting it soak in.  I feel like I can breathe better and just want to jump and dance around.

Harmony just came by to visit me :).  She brought me brownies!  David is going through a hat phase (usually it’s beanies, but today he was wearing a baseball cap) and it’s just adorable.  He also got a new pair of sunglasses (which he calls “eyes”).  That just made my day even better :).  Becky and I decided that today should be a milkshake day, since it’s so sunny.  So, Dianna is gonna get milkshakes this afternoon!

To make things a little better, I got paid today and it was more than expected.  I also got my quarterly bonus and noticed that my Federal tax refund was also deposited this morning.  I should be able to put a good chunk in savings and that makes me happy.  Even though it’ll all go toward paying bills, but that’s ok.  I can’t wait to pay things off so I don’t have to worry about debt.

Anyway, I’m gonna get to work and decide what flavor milk shake I want!

Lemons

Every once in a while I just have “one of those days”.  To most people when you say that, it means you’re having a really bad day and everything is going wrong, etc. etc. etc.  To me… “just one of those days”, is when I wake up and the first thing I think about is Dustin.  If my day starts out that way, it tends to be that I think about him the entire day.  It consumes my thoughts so pretty much anything else has very little meaning or matter.  I don’t know why and usually it seems a little more specific.  I usually feel this way on a birthday or holiday, etc. but today is just… Monday.

Yesterday was Jake’s birthday party (14 years old) and I found myself looking at him wondering how I missed him growing up!  I’ve always been around, I’ve watched all the kids grow from the day they were born, but I don’t think people really pay attention (myself included) and then one day you take a closer look at the baby you’ve been loving all these years, isn’t a baby anymore.  I was 8 years old when Jake was born and he has just always been special in that way.  Just simply because he was my FIRST nephew.  Ryan’s side of the family came over and Amy (Ryan’s sister) had her kids there and I haven’t seen them for a few years, so looking at them was a weird slap in the face.  If THEY are that big… wait… that means my nephews are that big too!  Weeeeird.   I just don’t notice it until I have something to compare to.  Kayden and Jake are the same age and Kayden walked in and I was thinking “holy crap he’s HUGE!” and that’s when I looked at Jake and thought “holy crap………….. he’s huge.”  *Sigh*

I really think I’m going to call my social worker this week and ask her advice on what I should do.  I don’t know why it’s bothering me so much that I havent’ gotten anything from them.  I haven’t gotten a letter or picture since Dustin was 4 years old.  At this point, I think I would rather them just send me a letter TELLING me that they don’t plan on sending anything anymore… that way I won’t sit and wait every year.  Waiting and hoping.  Seems like a waste of my energy and tears, but I just can’t seem to get it through my head.  I just can’t accept it.  I have to be told.

“A Piece Of Me”

A piece of Me
By Amy Walkup

Forget? How could I,
These marks wont wash away.
You will always be apart of me,
I think of you each day.

Flooooood

Our office flooded last night.  Well, not the whole office, just the whole back of the office.  Apparently the toilet pipe (which is in the back area of the building) leaked or something and now the whole back is flooded.  There have been cleanup people here all morning with huge hoses and vacuums getting rid of the water, so of course we have loud vacuums going, those huge loud fans to dry out and all our stuff is strewn everywhere so we’re kind of tripping over wet boxes, plants, files, etc.  Niiiice.  They put this chemical stuff down and it smells really bad.  I’ve been sneezing like crazy since they put it down and now it hurts to inhale.  It’s similar to the feeling you get when you take a deep breath outside in freezing weather and inhale freezing cold air.  It hurts like that… and now I’ve got a headache and I feel like headed.  It’s making me nauseous.  The doors are open and the fans going, but still… bleeeeh. 

I just developed a really annoying case of hiccups a few minutes ago (I’m sure unrelated to the rest of the stuff) and it’s driving me nuts!  I can’t stand hiccups.  Especially mine… they’re always really dumb abnormal hiccups and they either hurt really bad or make me feel like I’m gonna choke.  I can’t explain.  lol.  Whatever. 

Grump

I’m amazingly grumpy today.  For the first time since I started working here, my alarm didn’t go off and I didn’t wake up ’til like 7:50.  It took me a second to realize what time it was (I usually get up between 6:50 – 7:10… 7:20 is the latest I can get up without being late).  So… I got out of bed at about 7:50, immediately being annoyed at the day because I knew if I showered, I’d be WAY late.  So, I didn’t take a shower (which most people know is pretty much a guarnatee for a grumpy day).  Long, frustrating story short, I was surprisingly only 2 minutes late for work, but that’s still annoying to me.  I am trying to ignore the fact that I haven’t showered, but it’s going to bother me all day.

I did end up going home early yesterday (left work around 1:00).  I figured if I felt like crap yesterday, that it would only get BETTER the day after… well I was wrong.  I’m wishing now that I had stayed yesterday so I could go home today.

I feel like total CRAP today and it’s frustrating me.  I was feeling better yesterday evening.  I went to dinner with Emily and Sam and went home and cleaned a little, blah blah blah… I went to bed thinking I felt well enough that I was pretty sure I’d be almost completely better today and that I could go through the day with no problem.  I feel worse than I did yesterday.  I’m sick of being sick.  It’s aggravating me.  I’m pretty sure I got Bart sick too… so this whole week is probably just gonna be miserable regardless.

I am trying not to be grumpy, but even if I concentrate and pretend to be in a good mood, the grumpiness is leaking out.  Everyone’s pissing me off (even though it’s not their fault) and I just would prefer if everyone would leave me alone today, let me finish the day so I can go home and take a shower and go back to sleep.  GRRRRRRR!  I think I’m gonna go insane if someone doesn’t stop tapping their freaking foot!

Sudafed

I don’t really know if I can say I feel better today or not.  I’ve had a few people ask “do you feel any better?” and I’m just kinda thinkin… “uuuh… I’m not sure”.  One thing that’s nice (compared to Friday/Saturday) is that I can swallow today.  That’s a major improvement.  It’s extremely frustrating not being able to swallow… but my ears, nose and throat still hurt (ears and nose are just stuffy and clogged… I feel like I’m in a plane) and my whole body is just… bleeeeeh.  I have no physical energy at all.  Even typing feels like I’m working really hard and getting up and down from my chair is draining.  I do have a new (not appreciated) symptom… chills.  I’m fine right now, but every few minutes I get kind of prickly, stabbing freezing chills and it feels like I’m freezing from the inside of my body out. 

I basically slept all weekend (mostly), yet I still feel completely drained as if I haven’t slept in days.  I think maybe the Nyquil, Sudafed and Theraflu might be contributing to that “listless” feeling.  I was very much considering calling in sick today, but I just hate that.  I hate when other people do it, so I won’t do it either.  I would much rather come in and do as much as I can possibly do and go home early if it’s necessary… but not going in at all is just stupid (unless you physically can’t move, or like that fun time last year when I literally couldn’t leave the bathroom).  Heh.  I think if I can just concentrate on working today I should be able to make it through the whole day and stay at the office.  It would be a lot easier if I had more to do, but it’s fairly slow today, so that doesn’t really help.

Sam, Emily and I (oh, and Emily’s friend/roommate Mari) are going to dinner tonight.  I don’t know where we’re going yet, but I’m looking forward to it.  I feel like I need to “get out” and do something with them and I’m really hoping that I’m not this droopy and blah when we meet up later.  I’m gonna try to muster some energy and at least fake it, especially since I’ve never met Mari before and I don’t want her first impression of me to be “wow, blaaaaaaaaah”.  Ya know?  Anyway, we’ll see.  I hope I’m not totally drained by the end of the day. 

I do hope I’m better by tomorrow though.  I want to go see Eli and Isaac and play with them while Heather goes to a church thing (I think…) but I really don’t want to get the boys sick.  I hate the thought of them feeling the way I do right now.  I would imagine it’s probably harder for a 3 year and 1 year old to deal with feeling mleh than it is for me.  Not to mention that Heather would have to take care of them.   Sigh… so, we’ll see.

Kent is so nice.  heh.  He keeps asking how I’m doing and saying if I don’t feel well enough to be here I can go home.  I love that he cares, but I just don’t want to go home when I have stuff to do.  Everything I have set to do today will end up carrying onto another day so I’d rather just get it done now and not have more to do later.  If I can finish everything that needs to be done today, that’s a different story… heh.

Alive

Well… I’m alive.  I feel like I’ve been run over by a truck, or just punched a lot.  My whole body hurts and my face hurts.  lol.  Throat, nose, eyes… I hurt.  I think I maybe got 3 or so hours of sleep last night and I really wish I could just go back to bed.  I just can’t bring myself to call in sick to work when I can still physically move.  Although I may end up leaving early if the clients I need to get done with today call early enough.  I really only have 3 payrolls for today, but knowing some of them, they probably won’t call ’til like 3:00.  Blah.  I feel kind of bad because I really don’t want to get everyone here sick, but I also don’t want to make Becky do my payrolls when she’s got stuff of her own to do.

I’m kind of hoping as the day progresses, maybe I’ll feel a little better.  I planned on going to the gym tonight (still am planning to), but if I feel any WORSE than I do right now, I’d probably pass out if I strained myself too much.  I feel so light headed.  I should just go on my lunch break and buy some medicine that can hold me out for the rest of the day and then some Nyquil so I can maybe sleep tonight.  Anyway… I’m done talking.

Tired… :(

I’m kind of annoyed, mostly because I’m tired and I get frustrated (and sometimes weepy) when I can’t sleep. I haven’t been up like this in a long time, but right now I can barely breathe, my throat is so sore. I started feeling sick earlier today (well, I guess yesterday – Thursday) and I’ve been sneezing a TOOOON the past couple days and it’s been drying my head out. lol. Sneezing a lot leads to blowing my nose a lot and I think blowing my nose a lot dries my throat out… so now it’s so dry I can barley swallow and in return, I feel like I can’t breathe. I don’t really have anything to take (medicine) so I think I’m just up and about until I get tired enough to plop back down and try again. I just feel like craaaap. I went to bed around 9:30 (yeah… seriously), although I didn’t fall asleep until about 10:30, so we’ll say 10:30… I’ve woken up at least 8 times and it’s only 1:30 now. *Sigh* I don’t really know what else I can do but wait until my body is tired enough to just fall asleep regardless. (I AM tired, but apparently not tired enough to just fall asleep!) Coincidentally, this seems to be one of the rare nights that Bart has actually decided to SLEEP, so… he’s asleep now and it’s too quiet in here. …Usually writing helps me relax a little and maybe after I decide to finish writing this, I’ll go lay down again.

I wish I had tea. Well, I do have tea, but nothing that would significantly help my throat… I’ve tried drinking like two glasses of water (well, I did drink them, I didn’t just “try”), but even after drinking two glasses of water, I don’t feel like I drank anything at all. It’s as if it went straight down my throat, but didn’t touch anything on the way down. It almost feels the same as the beginning of croupe, which I’ve been lucky enough to skip the past two years, but other than that, I’ve had it at least once a winter for every year of my life (at least as long as I can personally remember… you’d have to ask my mom), but my chest isn’t congested and so far my throat doesn’t feel closed, just severely, amazingly, gaggingly dry and scratchy. It doesn’t sound like much, but believe me, it hurts! It’s frustrating to not be able to swallow and it really, really hurts when I try to force a swallow down. Uuuuuugh. I feel like I have to sneeze again. Even sneezing hurts now. You know… we live by the dumbest Walgreens… it closes at 10:00. If it wasn’t closed, I’d go buy some Nyquil just so I can get some sleep. I’m not desperate enough to drive all the way to Walmart though… Walgreens is across the street.

Well, I think I possibly feel tired enough to try to sleep again. I’m at least going to lay down and see what happens and if I don’t fall asleep, I’m gonna find something else to occupy my time… I guess only about 6 more hours and I’ll be up getting ready for work anyway…