Lemons

Every once in a while I just have “one of those days”.  To most people when you say that, it means you’re having a really bad day and everything is going wrong, etc. etc. etc.  To me… “just one of those days”, is when I wake up and the first thing I think about is Dustin.  If my day starts out that way, it tends to be that I think about him the entire day.  It consumes my thoughts so pretty much anything else has very little meaning or matter.  I don’t know why and usually it seems a little more specific.  I usually feel this way on a birthday or holiday, etc. but today is just… Monday.

Yesterday was Jake’s birthday party (14 years old) and I found myself looking at him wondering how I missed him growing up!  I’ve always been around, I’ve watched all the kids grow from the day they were born, but I don’t think people really pay attention (myself included) and then one day you take a closer look at the baby you’ve been loving all these years, isn’t a baby anymore.  I was 8 years old when Jake was born and he has just always been special in that way.  Just simply because he was my FIRST nephew.  Ryan’s side of the family came over and Amy (Ryan’s sister) had her kids there and I haven’t seen them for a few years, so looking at them was a weird slap in the face.  If THEY are that big… wait… that means my nephews are that big too!  Weeeeird.   I just don’t notice it until I have something to compare to.  Kayden and Jake are the same age and Kayden walked in and I was thinking “holy crap he’s HUGE!” and that’s when I looked at Jake and thought “holy crap………….. he’s huge.”  *Sigh*

I really think I’m going to call my social worker this week and ask her advice on what I should do.  I don’t know why it’s bothering me so much that I havent’ gotten anything from them.  I haven’t gotten a letter or picture since Dustin was 4 years old.  At this point, I think I would rather them just send me a letter TELLING me that they don’t plan on sending anything anymore… that way I won’t sit and wait every year.  Waiting and hoping.  Seems like a waste of my energy and tears, but I just can’t seem to get it through my head.  I just can’t accept it.  I have to be told.