6 Years Old
I always feel a small sense of accomplishment when I’ve made it through another one of Dustin’s birthdays. It’s kind of hard to describe the feeling I have and the easiest way is maybe lonely? It just doesn’t seem like the right word.
I think it’s amazing that 6 years has gone by and I still see and feel him as a new born tiny little baby. I can still feel him in my arms and breathing against my chest. I remember staying awake all night the night before I brought him to meet his new parents and I sang to him and held him for hours. I talked to him about all the things that he could look forward to in his life and that if I did what I wanted, I would be there for all those things, but someday he would understand why I couldn’t choose what I wanted. I remember holding him and hugging him probably just a little too tight and smelling his hair. I don’t think I took my lips off of his hair. The night went too fast and I didn’t realize that the sun was coming up. Sometimes I find myself in that night and a lot of times I dream about that as if I’m reading a book or watching a movie. All I have to do it put it on again and I can see it again and again. I probably don’t make any sense at all, but I don’t care. I don’t know how to organize words or thoughts right now. I just need to talk. How does 6 years go by so quickly?
I think people get the wrong impression and think I’m sad (which is understandable because I’m usually pretty touchy and sensitive on and around his birthday), but just try to imagine that a piece of your heart is missing and no matter what you do for the rest of your life, that piece is always going to be gone. You can live without it, you’ll still breathe in and out and the rest of your heart is still fully functional, but it’s a wound that just hurts every once in a while.
I love Dustin and I’m amazingly blessed that he is a part of me. I’m grateful that he’s as happy as he is and that he has everything that he needs. That boy will never be lacking in love. His mom and dad are wonderful to him in every way and give him all the things he needs and wants… and he has a big brother that looks out for him. It gives me a lot of comfort to know that no matter how much I hurt, he will never have to feel it.
I would be lying if I said I don’t wonder. I wonder what he looks like and what kinds of things he likes to do. I wonder if he likes barbeque sauce on his macaroni and cheese the way I do and if he likes mint chocolate chip ice cream. I wonder if he gets any “traits” from me and if we have things in common. I wonder if he likes animals and if he likes to write and draw. I wonder if he has learned how to read yet and if he can spell his name or if he’s learned the alphabet. I wonder if he’s lost his front teeth and has a classic kindergartener’s smile. Haha. I laugh to think about things like that. There are just so many little things that I wish I knew, but I know that I don’t get to choose that.
My biggest problem around this time of year is that no matter how hard I try to convince myself to acknowledge it… I still end up silently “hoping” that I will get something from them this year. I said the same thing last year and I always do, but I don’t think I will be getting anything from them anymore. I find that every time my phone rings, my stomach flutters and my heart beats a little faster, just for a moment… wondering if I’m getting a call to say that I have something waiting for me. I just can’t help it! I have a hard time explaining the feelings I have about this subject because I feel guilty about most of those feelings. I shouldn’t feel the way I do, but no matter how hard I try to convince myself otherwise, I just can’t. I WANT to get a letter. I WANT to get a picture. When it all comes down to it… all I really WANT to know is that he’s healthy and alright. I know deep down that he is, but I can’t help that my imagination goes wild. I haven’t heard from them in two years. So many things can happen in two years and I just wish I knew. There are so many things I wish I knew. I just really need to focus on the “big picture” and that what I WANT isn’t important, because it’s not. I have to remind myself of the good things. The things I’m grateful for and the things that are good. I can also still honestly say that no matter what feelings or thoughts go through me, I have never, do not and will never have any regrets.
I made it through another year. Happy Birthday to my baby.
New
I guess I should probably be glad that the “recurring” dream hasn’t really come back for a while (since the last time I wrote about it), but as of last night… there’s a new one. Pain wise, I think it’s about a hundred times worse than the previous one. This one actually seems to have an ending too, where as the other one kind of just… stops. A dream having an ENDING, as if it were a movie, is even worse. It feels final. Like… that’s it. There ya go. That’s what happens and I just showed it to you from beginning to end.I really wish there was someway to get rid of these. It’s the same overall idea, but now the scene, the people (other than myself and the other person that is always in it) are changing, so it isn’t the same people that were in the other one… The one thing that I’ll say is better (trying to be optimistic here) is that the person that replaced the regular accomplice someone that I know would never hurt me in a million years, so it makes it just a little UN-realistic and gives me a small piece of hope for my sanity.It’s hard to shake off something like that after I wake up. I can’t stop thinking about it and the more I think about it, the more I feel like crawling in a hole and dying. I just want everything to stop. The whole world to stop and everyone be silent so no one will hear me scream. How can something so insignificant have such a terrible impact on me? It’s just a dream… I just really, really can’t help but think that the more this happens… what if the overall outcome IS going to happen? Maybe not as dramatic and hurtful as it is in the dreams, but all in all……….. what if it’s meant to end that way?
I couldn’t help it… I did a google search and am trying to put things together…….
“Recurring dreams are quite common and are often triggered by a certain life situation or a problem that keeps coming back again and again. These dreams may recur daily, once a week, or once a month, but whatever the frequency, there is little variation in the dream content itself. It usually points to a personal weakness, fear, or your inability to cope with something in your life – past or present. “
“To dream that you are in pain, signifies that you are being too hard on yourself with regards to a situation that was out of your control. It may also be a true reflection of real pain that exists somewhere in your body.”
“To dream that you are sad, signifies a positive turn of events. It is generally a good dream foretelling good things are about to happen in your near future.”
“To dream that you are feeling much anger, forewarns that you will be involved in a terrible and tense situation. Your loved ones will let your down and disappoint you. It also forewarns that once solid ties will be broken. Being angry in your dream may have been carried over from your waking life. In your dream, you may have a safe outlet to express such emotions. You may have some suppressed anger and aggression that you have not consciously acknowledged.”
“To dream that you are experiencing some anxiety in some affair, is a reflection of what you may be feeling during your waking life. You may have repressed thoughts, unexpressed emotions, resentment, and hostility that are triggering your anxiety dream.”
“To dream that you have been betrayed, represents your suspicions about a particular person, relationship or situation. This dream often occurs when you are having feelings of insecurity and are faced with major commitments in your life at the same time.”
“Dreaming that you are abandoned, may stem from a recent loss or a fear of losing a loved one. The fear of abandonment may manifest itself into your dream and is part of the healing process of dealing with losing a loved one. It may also stem from unresolved feelings or problems from childhood.”
Horoscope
“Someone isn’t being totally honest with you now and may even be working against your good intentions. If you do discover that a friend isn’t being supportive, don’t lash out. Take what you learn in stride. Making others feel guilty will only worsen your cause. Be thankful that you know what’s going on, for what you don’t know can hurt you.”
Hmmm… what do you suppose THAT means? Heh.
Subconscious?
I don’t know what I think about recurring nightmares, but at this point I think it may drive me insane. It’s now the exact same dream every time, but the same thing happens… the same outcome, the same “thought”. If it were ten different movies that were all different… they all have the same story outline and plot. It’s not every night and sometimes I even go weeks without it, but then it randomly comes back.I woke up this morning around 6 (which for a Saturday, is way too damn early) basically almost crying because I had the dream yet again. I got angry and frustrated and went out into the livingroom where Bart sleeps on the floor and laid down out there. I laid there for at least an hour just awake, trying to decide whether to just get up and start my day at 7 on a Saturday, or try to fall asleep… well, I fell asleep… and I regret it. The same dream, same thing, just different scenery. I always wake up around the same “time” of the dream… where something specific is always happening or about to happen and this time when I woke up, I was yelling. Not screaming because it hurt or I was scared like I usually am, but because I was mad. Mad that I’m having the dream this often and mad that it’s even in my mind. I hate it.
I don’t think I believe that if you have the same dream over and over, it will come true. I really don’t think that’s logical or possible, but I get angry trying to figure out what in my subconscious is causing me to dream this? WHY am I thinking it? I don’t think it when I’m awake, so why? I’m sick of it. I wish I didn’t have dreams at all. I don’t recall ever having good dreams. They’re either horrible, or I don’t recall dreaming at all. Bad, or blank. Don’t normal people have good dreams? Dreams about wishes or things they want or happiness…?? Isn’t that normal? I don’t know… Maybe I need to start seriously focusing on sun-shiney days and fluffy clouds and skipping and laughter right before I got to bed. Maybe that way the dream will at least be in nice setting before it tries to rip my heart out.
Life Lessons Learned…
Here is a small compilation of our lessons learned. Full version available soon:
-Don’t Eat Yellow Snow-
Chapter I: Stay away from Sprint. They suck.
Chapter II: Don’t sign anything without reading it IN full and then reading it again and then asking questions about every section.
Chapter III: Golds Gym is Satan. (Goes well with Chapter II.)
Chapter IV: Don’t get a joint checking accounts.
Chapter V: Pleasant Grove will always smell like poop and it gets you nowhere to get angry about it.
Chapter VI: Utah drivers are idiots. There’s nothing you can do about it other than never leave your house.
Chapter VII: Most people are dishonest. You should assume that everyone is going to screw you over unless they’ve proven themselves trustworthy.
Chapter VIII: If someone wrecks your car and says they’ll pay for it, get it in writing. It doesn’t matter if it’s your best friend or your mother. Get it in writing.
Chapter IX: If you get a ticket for any reason (speeding, not making a complete 3 second stop at a stop sign, failure to signal, etc.) make sure you read the ticket before you sign it – Even Police Officers will screw you over if they think it will benefit them (like saying your ticket is for failure to signal and they write you up for speeding too – even though you were at a red stop light.)
That’s all for now, but more will come soon…
B.O.L.O.G.N.AAAAAAA
Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday were really busy… now it’s Thursday and I’ve baaasically finished my work for the day and it’s only 12:30. Heh. So, I’m kinda bored, it’s kinda quiet ’cause Becky went to lunch and Sheri is… well I’m not sure what she’s doing, but she’s at her desk concentrating on something quietly.So, last night Bart, Zack, Xoe, Lisa and I went to dinner to Mi Ranchito (it was Lisa’s birthday) and it was really good. Good food, nice service and fun place… unfortunately I had a migraine ALL day and it hadn’t gone away by the time we got there, then on top of the migraine, I ate way too much and felt like I was going to throw up. Literally. There were a few times that I thought I was going to burp and nothing came out, but tasted like puke. lol. I realize that’s information I don’t HAVE to share, but… this is my website, so I can do what I want! I ended up taking a Zantac as soon as I got home because lately if I “over” eat, I end up getting heartburn in the middle of the night. It’s happened more frequently lately and it worries me. This year I’ve had heartburn probably 5-6 times and before this year, I had heartburn maybe a TOTAL of 2-3 times, ever. Plah. Maybe I’m just getting old and can’t eat the same way I used to. lol.
I’m glad tonight is Bart’s night off. I feel like I need hugs and kisses. I’m just in a lovely cuddly mood and just want to snuggle up with him. I realize that probably won’t happen though because he’s usually busy with his game… but I can just imagine in and maybe it’ll make me feel better. lol.
I have a doctors appointment tomorrow and I’m kind of dreading how much the visit is going to cost now that I don’t have insurance… I’m also dreading to find out how much my medications are going to be without insurance…. sigh…. We’ll see. Luckily I have some extra money put aside so hopefull it’ll cover all of it without having to be BILLED. I don’t want more “bills”. Stupid debt.
I just remembered something I could be working on… so, I’m gonna go do that. 😉
Dance, Dance, Dance….
I just have the song in my head… that’s all.
Things are a little slower today since pay days are today and MOST everyone submitted times yesterday or before. I’m waiting for two clients to get a hold of me to enter times for today, but until I hear from them, I basically have nothing to do! So… la de da de da.
So I’ve been at the new job for about 2 1/2 weeks (ish) and I am still loving it! It’s amazing how a job can contribute so much to your every day life. Being done with and away from ProStar has been the best thing for me. I’ve noticed a lot of changes, happening almost immediately the moment I left there. I’m not tense, stressed, overwhelmed or depressed. I’ve basically stopped taking my Celexa and I’m doing just fine without it! 
This job is so laid back even when it’s hecticly busy. Everyone is still smiling and laughing and joking around and we’re all still able to get everything we need done, done. I love the fact that we’re off at 5:00 and that’s it! They leave AT 5:00! I really like having a set schedule, not being forced to come in early or stay super super late and I don’t have to worry about being bothered at home about work related issues. So I’m just happier all around!
I’ve been making time to eat breakfast every day, do my makeup and actually have a little bit of time to breathe in the morning before I head off to work. It makes me feel a lot better that I can care about myself more and that I can WEAR makeup because I don’t CRY every day from being overwhelmed. lol. My days go a lot faster too. Even on slow days where there is barely anything to do, it’s still a nice environment to BE in, so I’m not anxious to leave and the clock doesn’t tick as slowly. I love it.
Anyway… I really have nothing to say, so I’m gonna start studying the tax book!! Yay!!! lol
Weeeell….
Well, I’m just writing ’cause I’m a little frustrated right now, I don’t have anything else to do and well… writing calms me.
I’m not gonna whine about things I’m frustrated about, instead I’m gonna write about things I’m currently happy about and do my best to counter-act the frustration.
So, I’ve been at my new job for 4 days (I’ve WORKED 4 days) and I am really liking it. I really like the people I’m working with and the job is surprisingly fun. Who would have thought that payroll and timekeeping would be FUN? lol. I think I’m just having a lot of fun because it’s a completely new experience, I’m LEARNING new (and useful) things and all my co-workers are just so nice and fun to be around. Kent (the owner) and his wife Sheri (currently training me) own the business (hence: the owner) lol and they’re both just totally awesome. They’re my parents age :p. Then Becky is the other girl that works with me (we do the same thing) then there Ron, Phil (I think??) aaaand… Bill. I think. They do sales and company accounting, so I haven’t really gotten to know them very well yet. The sales guys are rarely IN the office, so yeah… but, there are 7 of us total. I like that it’s a small company because it makes all the employees really close. So… I like it and I’m hoping that I’ll still like it in 6 months, or a year, and on… etc. etc.
K, I am currently reading “The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands”, which is a book written by Dr. Laura (Radio talk show host), given to me by my mom. I think it’s interesting how much the book grabs my attention. If it weren’t for me saving my place and putting it down to spend time with Bart, I probably would have finished it in an hour or two the night she gave it to me. I feel like I’m learning things and there are a lot of useful “tips” and information about relationships. It’s not that I really NEEEEED to read those types of books, but I find them interesting and I figure it can NEVER hurt to do more to strengthen your relationship. I’m sure that I do things that I don’t even notice, unless someone were to point it out or in this case when I’m reading this book and find myself going “Hmmm… I do that sometimes”. Anyway, it’s really interesting. lol.
I’ve decided since I don’t have anything else to do tonight since my previous plans fell through, I’m gonna go to a couple stores and see if I can find myself some pants or maybe a shirt or two. It’d be nice to have clothes that aren’t too big or too small for me. So, toodaloo.
Migraine
I feel like today was a really hectic day. It probably started feeling that way because I could barely sleep last night and was amazingly tired all day today. Usually if I keep myself busy enough, I can ignore being tired, but my eyes were literally trying to close all day.
I had an interview this morning at 10, which I was fairly early to (I make a habit to leave early when I have an interview), but discovered that it was literally like 5 minutes away from here so I ended up being like 25 minutes early. I guess that’s not a bad thing! It went really well and I really like the people there. It’s was a pretty small company that does Payroll for other companies around the country (direct deposit, etc.) and the guy that interviewed me sat me down at a computer and showed me a bit of their programs to get an idea of whether I could learn it quickly or not. He showed me once and then asked me to do it myself the second time and I did it faster than the first time! It’s definitely a job I could do well and a place I wouldn’t mind working… friendly atmosphere and quiet offices, but the main thing (well, two things) that I was thinking badly about was 1. It only starts at like $11.50/hour and 2. He said that almost half of the month is so slow that they don’t have anything to do. I guess that wouldn’t be TOO bad as long as I had people around to talk to and really the $11.50 isn’t too bad either, but a lot less than I’m used to. He said he had another interviewee on Friday and then they’d make their decision by Monday and let me know.
I have another interview tomorrow with a company in Orem (L.J Cooper & Associates) for an Executive Office Assistant and unless their job listing is wrong, it said it starts between $14-$16/hour depending on experience. I have a life of experience in office work, so it would be awesome if I could get a job paying $16/hour! Either way, I feel a little more encouraged with these two interviews. The ones I had earlier this week were just really blah and I had no real excitement about them at all.
After my interview this morning, I went to ProStar to bring my Golds Gym payment to Becky, stayed and talked to her for a bit and then went and had lunch with Lacey. While I was eating lunch with her, Lena called me and said that Ryan had run out of gas in Provo and he said he was going to walk from Provo to College Terrace in Orem because he had no money on him to get gas. After I was done with lunch, I went up and down University Parkway to try to find him. I finally found him right about by Best Buy (only had about two blocks to go until he got to College Terrace), but he had his shirt off, sweating like crazy and had walked from Provo in his huge rubber working boots! He was limping (I’m sure it’s not easy to walk that far in those kind of boots) and looked like he was gonna pass out from the heat. So… we went and got money from Lena, then I brought him to a gas station to get gas and we had to buy a gas can ($10!!) and I was annoyed… simply because I remember the good old days when gas stations let you BORROW a gas can if you ran out of gas… anyway, brought him to the van which was at the McDonalds on the corner of Freedom and Bulldog… If you have any idea where that is and where College Terrace is… you’ll know how far he walked. Damn.
I was gonna go visit Melissa in the hospital after that, especially since I was already right there, but apparently they released her to go home this afternoon. So I went and hung out with Jairus (babysitting David at Harmony’s) for a bit and then came home. I just feel exhausted, like I said, I’ve just been tired since I woke up this morning, so I feel like I’m about ready for bed.
I have clean clothes sitting on the floor from days ago, so I think I should put those away…
Nauseous
Today is Jairus’ 11th birthday!!! I can’t believe he’s already 11 years old. Geez. I still look at all my nephews and nieces as LITTLE kids… Skylar is gonna be 18 (EIGHTEEN!!!!) next Friday and I’ve found that I still view him as 12 years old. No reason that 12 sticks in my mind, but that’s how old I think he is in my mind. lol. They’re all getting so big and when I really concentrate, it makes me realize how fast time flies and how quickly life passes by.
Well, I can’t say that I’m surprised, but Katie has already quit College Terrace. I didn’t go into work on Monday and I was talking to her through MSN most of the afternoon and she was saying how terrible it was and she didn’t understand how I could do it, etc. because it’s so stressful and MESSY there. All I could really say was “um… duh. Why do you think I’m looking for a new job?” So… yesterday she asked if I even cared if she came in the rest of the week and I told her I would really appreciate if she WOULD come in for at least the rest of this week so I could try to get projects done while she was still there to cover the office and… well… she didn’t come in today, so I’m guessing she’s just done! lol.
Keira has given “notice” (she said she’ll finish this week) so I will no longer have someone to cover the evening 6-8 shift on Wednesdays and 10-4 on Saturdays. I’m really not sure what we’re gonna do about that yet, because I WON’T work Saturdays and Camilla really doesn’t want to either… I dunno. Holly’s last day (Courtside) is this coming Friday too. So that leaves ALL our offices combined with 3 full time employees and Scott who works the Wednesday and Saturday shifts at Courtside, but clearly he can’t cover two offices at once. haha. Maaan, it’s starting to suck. On top of that, I’m looking for another job and if I can find something better or am offered something good, I’ll have to take it, which will leave them down to TWO full time employees and no one to cover those other shifts. lol. Meh.
I’ve been disgustingly nauseous the past few days. I’m pretty sure it’s the new medication I’ve been put on. I started taking it on Saturday and have basically been nauseous every since. Emily called me tonight and suggested I cut them in half and see if it makes a difference. It’s so terrible. I feel like throwing up all the time. It’s not so bad if I can stay sitting down all the time, but if I even move slightly, I feel light headed and nauseous. I get the lump feeling in my throat as if I’m GOING to throw up… but really don’t end up throwing up. Blah. Unless it gradually becomes less of a problem, I’m gonna end up going back to Dr. Taylor and tell him I need something different, because this is almost unbearable. Gag. I had a REALLY hard time sleeping Sunday and Monday night. On Monday night, Bart ended up coming into bed around 3 am (I think) and trying to help me fall asleep, and even then, I didn’t fall asleep for like 2 hours. It was terrible. Yesterday (Tuesday) I felt SO nauseous at work that I ended up leaving around like 1:15 and came home. Bart was asleep in the livingroom, so I laid down next to him and ended up sleeping until about 4:45 when his alarm for work went off. He left for work and then around 8 I laid on the couch to watch a movie and fell asleep about 30-45 minutes into it and BASICALLY was out for the rest of the night… so basically 8pm to 7am and I only recall waking up once to pee and then plopped immediately back in bed. I felt significantly better this morning and was able to work a full day of work. I still feel a little nauseous, but it’s small enough that I can just kind of ignore it.
Anyway… I really don’t have anything to say. I’m just home and Bart’s at work, so I don’t really have anything in particular to do :p lol. I do need to start laundry though… so… that’s what I’ll do.