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Venting

Posted by destiny on February 26, 2008 in 2008 Entries |

So, for a fairly outgoing person, I’ve been having an unusually difficult time expressing my thoughts/emotions lately. I don’t know why and it’s starting to get to me. Up until last month, I REALLY thought that I have grown a ton the past 6 years. I’m a birthmother, it’s just who I am and I deal with it the same as any person deals with anything in their life, but the past month or so, I feel like I’m falling fast.

It’s been 2 years since I’ve heard from my son’s adoptive parents and the more time that goes on, the more my mind is thinking up random stuff. I guess I’m trying to convince myself of a REASON. Why would they just STOP writing me? Our “agreement” was that after 2 years, they’d send me a picture and/or letter on or around Dustin’s birthday every year. At least that’s what I understood, so maybe I need to ask my social worker if I’m making stuff up… So, I think once a YEAR isn’t that difficult!

I’ve tried to convince myself of the generic reasons: They have a family, busy lives, they probably want to move on with their lives, etc. etc. etc. but I’m just starting to get so frustrated and depressed about it that I’m throwing the NICE reasons out the window. I’m starting to dread the thoughts of: Maybe they don’t want him to know about me, what if they aren’t even keeping my letters and the pictures I send him, what if they don’t want me to be involved at ALL? I don’t know what I’d do. I feel TERRIBLE for thinking these things because I love them so much. Other than this, I’ve never felt anything negative toward them. I just don’t know what to DO! I’ve tried twice now to call my social worker just to ask her what she suggests or what I can do, but she hasn’t returned my calls so far and now that’s really getting to me. I brought a present, card and letter to the agency for Dustin’s birthday in January and I’m wondering if they even went and got it….

Am I being psycho? I mean… am I honestly losing my mind? Should I back off and try to forget about trying?

Ok… well, I don’t feel much better after ranting, but at least I’m not holding it in anymore.

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