I may have told some of you that I joined an adoption forum last month and I just have to express how amazed I am with how much it’s helped me. I’ve already gone through 6 years alone (of course I’m not ALONE, but hopefully you know what I mean) and now after 6 years, I finally feel like people really, truly understand me. Last night especially… A couple weeks ago a girl started a thread in the forum basically describing how she has a hard time remembering things that happened during the birth and placement of her child and she wanted to know if anyone else felt that way. By reading this topic, I suddenly felt very comforted in some of the things I’ve had to deal with. She had first said:
“There is very little I remember about before and after the adoption of my daughter. What I mean is it almost felt as if I went into a world of my own. I do remember bits and peices. I remember the day I made the decision (at least the few minutes surrounding this), I remember going to the hospital, hearing “it’s a girl”, crying in a high back chair in the evening but I have no memory of anyone coming into my room to take vitals. I do remember telling my Pastor what I was doing because he thought I was having my appendix out. But, that’s really about it. I sorta zoned out and went on auto pilot afterward.
I think back especially to the day that I signed her away. I remember the caseworker coming to my mom and dads and sitting on our couch. She handed me an envelope with her pictures and my asking her to hold the pictures until after I signed. Signing the papers and opening the envelope to see the pictures. But that is all I remember of that day. I have no idea what happened after opening the envelope. ”
I can’t say my experience was the same as hers, but I can definitely relate to the “auto pilot” feeling. Other birth moms responded:
“I went numb for years afterward too. I think it’s a defense mechanism our body has for us because it’s just too painful. Our bodies just deal with pain differently than others. That may be why other girls can recall things that we can’t about our pregnancy and child birth. I definitely understand!”
“Gosh ladies… I thought i was the only one that couldn’t remember much at all…. I feel so guilty about everything anyway and not being able to remember much about when Jason was born was making it even worse.. I guess this is the way the good Lord makes it, so we can survive… My prayers are with all of you….”
I had describe the way I experienced it as: It’s not that I don’t remember the experiences, but sometimes it’s as if I’m just watching a movie from someone elses view. The things that I remember feel so far away that it’s as if it didn’t happen almost. I think all our experiences are different in some ways, but I think giving away something so attached to your heart… you mind blurs it to make it less painful in a way. I will say that now, 6 years later, I can remember some things that I couldn’t before. I think as time goes by, my mind is releasing some of the memories that were maybe too painful for me before.
Other people have said:
“It felt like I was watching a movie of some other girl the whole time. ”
So, I guess it has just really helped me to know that I’m not the only person that feels this way and has viewed my past in this way. I don’t feel as crazy anymore! I wish I had found this site and forum a few years ago.