I always feel a small sense of accomplishment when I’ve made it through another one of Dustin’s birthdays. It’s kind of hard to describe the feeling I have and the easiest way is maybe lonely? It just doesn’t seem like the right word.
I think it’s amazing that 6 years has gone by and I still see and feel him as a new born tiny little baby. I can still feel him in my arms and breathing against my chest. I remember staying awake all night the night before I brought him to meet his new parents and I sang to him and held him for hours. I talked to him about all the things that he could look forward to in his life and that if I did what I wanted, I would be there for all those things, but someday he would understand why I couldn’t choose what I wanted. I remember holding him and hugging him probably just a little too tight and smelling his hair. I don’t think I took my lips off of his hair. The night went too fast and I didn’t realize that the sun was coming up. Sometimes I find myself in that night and a lot of times I dream about that as if I’m reading a book or watching a movie. All I have to do it put it on again and I can see it again and again. I probably don’t make any sense at all, but I don’t care. I don’t know how to organize words or thoughts right now. I just need to talk. How does 6 years go by so quickly?
I think people get the wrong impression and think I’m sad (which is understandable because I’m usually pretty touchy and sensitive on and around his birthday), but just try to imagine that a piece of your heart is missing and no matter what you do for the rest of your life, that piece is always going to be gone. You can live without it, you’ll still breathe in and out and the rest of your heart is still fully functional, but it’s a wound that just hurts every once in a while.
I love Dustin and I’m amazingly blessed that he is a part of me. I’m grateful that he’s as happy as he is and that he has everything that he needs. That boy will never be lacking in love. His mom and dad are wonderful to him in every way and give him all the things he needs and wants… and he has a big brother that looks out for him. It gives me a lot of comfort to know that no matter how much I hurt, he will never have to feel it.
I would be lying if I said I don’t wonder. I wonder what he looks like and what kinds of things he likes to do. I wonder if he likes barbeque sauce on his macaroni and cheese the way I do and if he likes mint chocolate chip ice cream. I wonder if he gets any “traits” from me and if we have things in common. I wonder if he likes animals and if he likes to write and draw. I wonder if he has learned how to read yet and if he can spell his name or if he’s learned the alphabet. I wonder if he’s lost his front teeth and has a classic kindergartener’s smile. Haha. I laugh to think about things like that. There are just so many little things that I wish I knew, but I know that I don’t get to choose that.
My biggest problem around this time of year is that no matter how hard I try to convince myself to acknowledge it… I still end up silently “hoping” that I will get something from them this year. I said the same thing last year and I always do, but I don’t think I will be getting anything from them anymore. I find that every time my phone rings, my stomach flutters and my heart beats a little faster, just for a moment… wondering if I’m getting a call to say that I have something waiting for me. I just can’t help it! I have a hard time explaining the feelings I have about this subject because I feel guilty about most of those feelings. I shouldn’t feel the way I do, but no matter how hard I try to convince myself otherwise, I just can’t. I WANT to get a letter. I WANT to get a picture. When it all comes down to it… all I really WANT to know is that he’s healthy and alright. I know deep down that he is, but I can’t help that my imagination goes wild. I haven’t heard from them in two years. So many things can happen in two years and I just wish I knew. There are so many things I wish I knew. I just really need to focus on the “big picture” and that what I WANT isn’t important, because it’s not. I have to remind myself of the good things. The things I’m grateful for and the things that are good. I can also still honestly say that no matter what feelings or thoughts go through me, I have never, do not and will never have any regrets.
I made it through another year. Happy Birthday to my baby.