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Subconscious?

Posted by destiny on December 15, 2007 in 2007 Entries |

I don’t know what I think about recurring nightmares, but at this point I think it may drive me insane. It’s now the exact same dream every time, but the same thing happens… the same outcome, the same “thought”. If it were ten different movies that were all different… they all have the same story outline and plot. It’s not every night and sometimes I even go weeks without it, but then it randomly comes back.I woke up this morning around 6 (which for a Saturday, is way too damn early) basically almost crying because I had the dream yet again. I got angry and frustrated and went out into the livingroom where Bart sleeps on the floor and laid down out there. I laid there for at least an hour just awake, trying to decide whether to just get up and start my day at 7 on a Saturday, or try to fall asleep… well, I fell asleep… and I regret it. The same dream, same thing, just different scenery. I always wake up around the same “time” of the dream… where something specific is always happening or about to happen and this time when I woke up, I was yelling. Not screaming because it hurt or I was scared like I usually am, but because I was mad. Mad that I’m having the dream this often and mad that it’s even in my mind. I hate it.

I don’t think I believe that if you have the same dream over and over, it will come true. I really don’t think that’s logical or possible, but I get angry trying to figure out what in my subconscious is causing me to dream this? WHY am I thinking it? I don’t think it when I’m awake, so why? I’m sick of it. I wish I didn’t have dreams at all. I don’t recall ever having good dreams. They’re either horrible, or I don’t recall dreaming at all. Bad, or blank. Don’t normal people have good dreams? Dreams about wishes or things they want or happiness…?? Isn’t that normal? I don’t know… Maybe I need to start seriously focusing on sun-shiney days and fluffy clouds and skipping and laughter right before I got to bed. Maybe that way the dream will at least be in nice setting before it tries to rip my heart out.

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