I have a doctors appointment in Springville today at 3:50, so I’m leaving here around 2:30 ish to make sure I get there on time. Hopefully he can prescribe me something else for ADD (I don’t think the Ritalin is helping much) and maybe something for this depression. Even if it’s just something I can take every once in a while. Sigh.

So, I am going camping this weekend with my family. I’m probably going to stay at my parents house tonight to hang out with Heidi and Sage… I’ve seen Heidi twice this year already, but haven’t seen Sage for like over a year… so yeah… then go to Timp tomorrow and Sunday and come home Sunday night so I can go to work on time Monday. We’ll see how 2 whole days with them goes. :p I’m glad Heather is going because sometimes I feel like she’s the only one in the entire family (other than Christopher) that doesn’t judge me and make me feel “low”. I really wish Christopher was going to be there too. I miss him a lot and I wish now that I had taken advantage of them moving so close and spent more time with him before he had to leave. I just pray that he will come home safely. I know he will :). I shouldn’t think anything different.

This morning was strange to me… I got up, showered, got dressed as I do every day… same routine… and as I was heading out the door, I looked at Bart asleep on the livingroom floor and had the sudden urge to throw my arms around him and hug him as tight as I could. Of course I refrained from doing that because I didn’t want to wake him up, but I feel somehow like I haven’t seen him for a long time. It’s like the feeling of missing someone, but they’re right in front of you. I can’t really explain it, but every once in a while I will look at him and wonder if he really knows how much I love him. If it’s possible for him to imagine how much I love him, but I don’t think I show him enough. Saying “I love you” every day sometimes isn’t clear enough and I need to show him more often how much I appreciate him and everything he does for me.

Bart’s birthday is next Sunday and if he doesn’t have to work, I’m going to try to take that day to spoil him as much as I can. I’m really excited to give him his present and am quite proud of the fact that I’ve had it so long and haven’t spoiled it and given it to him before his birthday. I’m going to keep it hidden and hold onto it until next Sunday, although it’s kind of difficult, because I really want to give it to him. I hope he likes it. He doesn’t like to get attention on his birthday and doesn’t even like to announce that it is his birthday, so hopefully he can handle that I AM going to make him know that it’s his birthday, I’m glad he was born and I want to celebrate him. Hopefully after this weekend, things will be better.

I don’t have anything to do here… it’s quiet and organized (deep sigh of relief). This is a happy relief from the chaotic jumble of a mess at College Terrace. No piles of files, no scrambles of papers flying everywhere and no stupid ceiling windows with the sun beating down on me. I think I will just sit back and enjoy the silence.

I got to work with my “replacement” (Katie) today and found that I actually really like her. She seems to have the same work “ethics” and habits as I do, which I like. She’s forward, upfront, firm and fast paced. She’s a quick learner, which I REALLY like because I don’t have to repeat myself over and over. It’s kind of sad that she’s replacing me though, because I would probably enjoy working with her every day. I decided that the reason today was such a good day was because I actually had someone working with me that was accomplishing things. This was basically her first work day and all I did was basically plop a huge stack of files in front of her and say “do this” (of course gave a quick explanation of what “this” was) and she just started doing it without any further question! I just feel SO amazingly overwhelmed every day when I’ve got this enormous “To Do” list and it’s physically impossible for me to do it all myself within the time frame I need it done. So, hopefully by the end of the week we will be in much better shape than we were a few days ago.

It was fairly amusing that almost everyone at College Terrace decided to renew their contracts TODAY (considering they were supposed to be renewed by the 15th), so that’s basically what we did at least 6 of the 8 hour work day. It makes me feel a little better though, maybe occupancy won’t completely plummet in August. The office is slowly getting a little more organized and I’ve found that the more organized it gets, the less it bothers me, but hey… I no longer really have the option of staying even if I wanted to, so I’m kinda out of luck either way. Meh.

Over the past few days… weeks… month ish… I’ve just been extremely depressed and bitchy. I have nothing to blame it on and I can’t explain it, but I wish I had more self control to not let things affect me. It’s starting to affect mine and Bart’s relationship because at this point, I don’t even think he wants to be around me… and who can blame him? I don’t even want to be around me. It’s annoying how the smallest things make me depressed, even if I try to laugh about it. Like Bart’s pill box being full this morning. I looked at it and felt almost… sad. I normally fill it for him and last night he filled it himself. That’s ridiculous that something like that would make me feel sad. I think I’m semi-insane. It just bothers me that I wake up every morning not wanting to even move out of bed. I make myself get out of bed and get ready for work. I make myself GO to work and once I’m there, every moment that goes by, I need to force myself to STAY there and ignore the depressing thoughts and concentrate on working. I work every day just begging for the weekend to come and then the weekend comes and all I’m doing it reminding myself that Monday is only a couple days away and there’s not even a point in the weekend. I dread every day that comes my way. I’m starting to feel extremely discouraged that maybe there isn’t a pill in the world that can cure my problems, but… I’m going to the doctor on Friday and that’s one thing I’m definitely going to bring up with him. I know that this isn’t normal and I haven’t always been like this, so theoredically, there’s something wrong with me, right? I just hope I have enough money to cover this doctors visit because I don’t need another bill making me more depressed. I hate how expensive health care is. It doesn’t make sense to me. If people want to be taken care of, it shoudn’t be so expensive!

I’m going to concentrate on cleaning the house tonight. I’ve decided I’m going to force myself to go camping this weekend with my family. I’ll go Saturday and Sunday, but I’m not taking time off work to camp the rest of the week (well, Monday thru Wednesday) because I can’t afford to take days off. I think it’ll be a good break and hopefully not too long. My goal is to be at least 50% “better” by Monday morning. I know that’s stretching it, but… I just need to make it happen. If my moods and attitude continue the way it has been, I can see myself losing a lot that I would rather not live without.

There’s a part of me that is somewhat resentful of having to deal with mounds of filing when it was someone elses job to do MONTHS ago. Why can’t people just do what they’re supposed to do without someone listing out a “To Do” list every single day? I definitely get a better picture of what Ashley always complained about… about the office being so busy that it left practically no time to do anything extra, but… that’s why she was scheduled 9-5 instead of office hours of 10-6. That’s a whole hour that you could spend filing. (yeah and I’m saying this while I’m sitting here wasting time on the internet when I could be filing as well)… Blah.

Ok, I’ll do it. I miss my old job.

This is one of those days where I’m in a “good” mood, but just really want the day to go quickly. I’ve seemed to be in a better mood on the days that I don’t take the medication, so I’m just not going to take it anymore. If they can find something else for me that won’t affect my moods so bad, then I’ll take something else, but yeah. I would rather be stupid and ditsy than grumpy and bitchy all the time.

Yeah so I’ve been writing this for like an hour :p so I’ll just stop. lol

I got a call this morning from one of the companies I submitted my resume to yesterday (sent my resume to about 15 different places) and I have an interview on Monday at 12:30 in Provo, so I’m just gonna take a lunch and go do that. I couldn’t tell you what the position is or how much it pays, because I sent my resume to so many places that I’m not sure which one this is! But that’s ok.

I’m starting to feel excited about the thought of getting a new job, having a change of scenery and moving on with things. I wanna have new experiences and opportunities and although the whole process of getting and starting a new job isn’t all that great, I’m still excited for the thought of it. I actually find myself feeling bad just thinking “what the hell is the company gonna do when I leave?” Ashley’s last day is Tuesday, Camilla is brand new, Jessica hasn’t been in her new position long enough to know what to do and so I’m wondering how difficult it will be for them once I leave. Logically… that’s not my problem and I shouldn’t be concerned, but I love these girls and I don’t want to make things harder for them.

On Monday when I start over at College Terrace, I’m going to focus on training Camilla with being more comfortable with running the office. I figure if I can train her as much as possible between now and the time that I leave to start a new job, hopefully she’ll be ok on her own. I’m not sure who they’d put in my place, but… again… shouldn’t be my concern.

Today is another day where I’m kind of feeling a little useless. I’m still in my office, yet this isn’t my JOB anymore, so I’m basically not doing anything. I’m gonna start cleaning out my desk and straighten up the office sometime before I leave today so I just don’t have to come back. I have so much stuff in here, I’m not totally sure I can do it all today though, so we’ll see.

I’m going to Heather’s again tonight to hang out with her and the boys… I’ll probably try to talk her into going out by herself though so she can have some alone time. With Christopher gone, she just gets NO break from the boys and I can’t imagine how hard that is…

I’m looking forward to sleeping in tomorrow and just spending the day lounging at home. I really want to clean ’cause the house is dirty, so I’ll probably do that too, but that is actually relaxing to me. Cleaning is a good way to get out frustrations or just think by yourself. I’m gonna get Bart to help me finish this page too :p since it’s still not “secure”.

I’m trying really hard not to be depressed about this job “change”, but I can’t help it. I am sad and I’m disappointed, so all I can do from here is try to make the best of it until I can find a better job. I know it’s time to move on, but it’s kind of a hard thing to face when you’ve been with a company for so long. I hate the whole process of looking, applying for and starting a new job. In a way it can be exciting to start something new, but then again, it’s just starting back at the bottom, like you’ve reset your life.

I’m starting my new position at College Terrace/Remington on Monday (it’s either that or be completely unemployed, and I just can’t do that) and in a way I’m excited to go back to working in the office, but I can’t help but feel a bit insignificant considering I already did that job for 1+ year(s) and I’m moving backwards. You think that you’re supposed to move forward in life… but I just feel like I’m going backwards and not accomplishing anything.

My biggest problem right now isn’t the thought of looking for a new job… it’s the thought of not knowing what I want to do with my life (career wise). I’ve been thinking about going back to school, but realistically I just don’t know if that’s possible financially. I hate the thought of having to pay back student loans the rest of my life. I wish I could just pay for it upfront and just get a degree and move on with my life. I’m paying student loans right now for a degree I didn’t even finish. Every time I think about going back to school, I feel cornered. I have no idea what I want to do and no matter what I decide to do, I’m going to have to be able to maintain a full time job AND go to school and it’ll probably take me double the time to complete a degree because I need to keep working. Ugh. Why can’t people just go into a career and be taught THERE… What’s the point of a degree? Stupid.