Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Today’s horoscope:

Libra (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

Instead of thinking about everyone else’s needs, put yourself first for a change. This is not about being unconsciously selfish. It’s about acknowledging that love of others begins with developing your self-esteem. If you don’t take adequate care of yourself, then you won’t have very much to give anyone else.

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Today has been fairly depressing.  Really it’s just the mentality I’ve been stuck in since last week when I realized that we really aren’t going to be able to get a house anytime really soon.  It’s frustrating and depressing that my credit is what causes us to not be able to have a house.  I’m tired of living in an apartment and throwing away $900 every month.  Hopefully we can try again soon.

Today was the weigh in and I’ve gained 2 lbs.  Extremely depressing.  I haven’t GAINED weight for quite a while and it’s really depressing to see numbers go up.  I’m sure it’s got to be because of this mental slump I’m in.  Even when I work out, I don’t feel like I’ve accomplished anything “inside”.  Usually I would feel really good and energetic and happy after a tough workout and now it’s just “Blah”.  Well, I shouldn’t say that as if it’s all the time… it’s just been the past week ish.  I’m so happy for Lena, who has finally hit her goal weigh of 125 and looks amazing, and Heather has lost weight too and the other day Heidi posted “before” pictures and then current pictures and she looks awesome too.  I don’t look any different at all.  Obviously they must be working harder than me and I can’t make excuses for myself.  I just feel like I’m doing all the same things everyone else is, but I’m not losing the weight they are.  *Sigh*.  I am happy for them though.  The Biggest Loser Challenge #8 starts on October 7th and I’m definitely returning to that challenge.  This time my ribs aren’t broken and I won’t have excuses!

I’m going to Heather and Christopher’s tonight to watch the boys and am hoping I can get some type of exercise in there, even if it’s just a walk or running around the yard with them.

I’ve been balancing quarterlies this week since I’ll need to start actually running them next week.  Hopefully this quarter goes smoothly. 

Monday, September 22, 2008

Yes, it’s Monday.  Almost every single Monday, I end up having the “Just another manic Monday” song stuck in my head.  Seriously, like every Monday.  lol

I had a really good weekend and so far it’s carrying over to this week.  Today’s been fairly slow at work, although I’ve already got quite a bit done.  Slow “work” wise, but the day is going by fast.

Friday was Lisa’s birthday and to celebrate, we (Zack, Xoe, Bart, Lisa and me) went to Park City and had dinner at the “Wasatch Brewery”.  I’d never been to Park City before, which everyone thinks is just insane.  lol.  I love it there.  It just seems like a completely different world from the Norm of Utah.  The second we pulled into town, it reminded me of being in Seattle and I felt so at home.  I wish I could afford to live up there!!!  Everything is so close together, but it feels so secluded.  Seriously, just like it’s own little world!  So, we had dinner and tried a couple fancy (to me anyway) beers and then walked up and down the streets and looked at all the cool shops, although at only 9:30, almost all of them were closed!  That’s probably a good thing though, because there was so much cool stuff, I probably would have spent money that I don’t have.  I’m not even a shopper and even I would shop there!  I’ll have to go up there with Lisa sometime and go to the Outlet malls where apparently they have really good deals on stuff.  Woohoo!

Saturday was Robin’s 23rd Birthday and she invited Bart and me to stay up at the cabin with them (Russell’s uncle has a nice cabin up Loafer Canyon).  We all had a lot to drink, me, much more than I’m used to.  I very rarely drink and when I do, it’s an occasional glass or two of wine or even a beer (most recent discovery… some beers aren’t that bad!!)  It was a lot of fun though and was SO nice to be with Robin and her family again.  Jake, Angie and Chad were there, then Jake’s wife Tracy and Angie’s boyfriend Shawn… and of course Robin and Russell, then Bart and me.  I haven’t seen any of her siblings for almost 7 years and I was surprised at how comfortable it was being around them.  It literally felt like that 7 years never happened and we’ve never been apart.  I was even more thrilled that Bart actually liked them.  Not so much Tracy, but he really likes Russell and Jake and Angie, although he and Angie didn’t talk that much, so I’m not totally sure if he was able to form a full opinion of her.  It would be really nice to hang out with all of them again.  Robin and I were talking about possibly getting together for the weekend of my birthday and at least play games or something.  It’s just so nice to have that family back in my life.  People that really know me and know my past and don’t judge me for it.  They were always my second family.

Yesterday we got home around 10am and had breakfast, then pretty much laid around, took naps and “recovered” from the night before.  lol.  It was nice to actually just kick back and not do anything for almost a whole day.  We went to Zack’s around 4 or so and Bart helped him cut logs, then we had dinner and Lisa cut Bart’s hair, then we went home. 

So, the next “Biggest Loser Challenge” starts on October 8th and I’ve committed to coming back for another challenge.  I didn’t get anywhere near my original goal for the 12 week challenge, but have to consider that for about 6-7 of those weeks, I had broken ribs and could barely move, let alone exercise.  Since I don’t have any “handicaps” working against me this time around, I’m going to start again for this challenge and work as hard as I possibly can.  Realistically, I only have about 12 more lbs. until I reach my first “mini” goal of losing 30 lbs. by my birthday of this year.  I’m not sure if I can lose 12 lbs before my birthday, considering my birthday is in 3 weeks, but at least I’ll be fairly close to the goal I made back in May.

I still have 3 more hours of work and I decided that I could at least get the few things I have in my bin filed, just so I don’t have to worry about them later in the week when it will be busier.  Heh.

Rant

Ever notice how the government really only has room to help people who aren’t able (or should I say “willing”) to work full time jobs?  I definitely don’t intend to offend anyone who may read this… but what I mean is that it’s frustrating that people who work full time and work hard to “get ahead” aren’t able to get a small amount of help, but I know many people who live in low income housing  for free, (which are usually NICER homes and apartments than “regular” income housing) and live off the government even though they’re fully able to work, but choose not to, and still get approved for financial assistance for rent, food stamps and social security to pay their bills…  I think that’s a great program for those people who really DO need that, like the single parents doing all they can to support their children and make ends meet, or those people who really are unable to work because of an illness, disability or injury, etc.  I’m just saying it’s widely abused, at least in our area.  We simply want a little extra help to get into a home and after that, we’d be able to do it on our own.

For example, my sister and her husband tried to apply for state assistance so they could get health insurance for their son, who’s currently 2 1/2 years old.  They were denied for the reason that they “have too much income”… At that point, they were bringing HOME approximately $900 a month… yes, a MONTH.  And they make too much??  Oooook!  Yeah, so they were denied for that reason, yet could barely, BARELY make their rent, let alone buy groceries so they certainly couldn’t afford health insurance for the family, not even insurance JUST for their son.  They are hard working people.  They’re good parents and good citizens.  My brother in-law was trying to go to school to get a degree at the same time, working full time.  My sister was staying home to raise their son and working part time when and where she could… so it’s not like they were looking for a free hand out.  They just wanted what’s best for their son and a little generosity from our fine state and government so their son could have adequate health insurance.

The point for my rant is this:  The people for this grant thing called Bart yesterday and basically informed him of two things:  We make too much money to get the “good” government assistance to put a down payment on a home.  My credit score is too low (right now I have a 580 credit score and they require at least a 600) for us to get any decent assistance on even PARTIAL help with a down payment and/or closing costs.  With everything the way it is right now, and if we went off of Bart’s credit ALONE (he has a 780 credit score) we could get approved for about a $90,000 home.  I don’t know about other areas, but in Utah… that barely buys a mobile home.  If we were to put one of the vehicles we have in MY name (they’re currently both in Bart’s name because we traded in mine for his new WRX) then we could get a $146,000 home.  Much better, but still would barely get us a MAYBE 1 bedroom home (in which case we prefer to stay in our 3 bedroom apartment).

It’s depressing.  I knew I got my hopes up too high, but I kind of feel like the guy that came and talked to us sort of did that on purpose.  Maybe he figured if we got our hopes up high enough, we’d go with them anyway and try to desperately make our way into a home, regardless of the type or size or interest.  I don’t want to get stuck with a home that we’re going to regret buying and certainly not one that is smaller than the apartment we already are in.  We’re trying to get ahead, we have reasonable income, but we can’t get ahead because of the rent we’re paying, therefore it’s pretty much impossible to save money for a down payment.  We’re seemingly stuck in a never-ending cycle and will never get out of renting.  I feel like we’re literally throwing away $900 a month in rent, where if that were a $900 house payment, it’d be coming back to us tax wise, and investment wise.

Ok, so my rambling has gone on long enough.  Bottom line, we’re not going to get a house, at least not any time soon, unless we have a brilliant epiphany that drives us toward a miracle.  *Sigh*

Overwrought

Yeah.  I like that word today.

This has felt like a really frustrating week.  I don’t know if it really has been, or if today just makes it feel like my entire week has.

Last weekend, we helped with Grandma and Grandpa Moorman’s yard sale in the morning, then afternoon/evening we had a BBQ and hung out with Nick and his wife, Megan, down in Spanish Fork at his parents house.  Sunday we went to the cabin, had lunch/dinner (linner?) there and played some games.  Monday, Lance moved in, then Tuesday at work was INSANE having Monday and Tuesday basically combined in one day since we didn’t work Monday.  Wednesday was about the same work wise and then Emily, Sam, Christian and I went to the Nine Inch Nails concert, which was something I REALLY needed.  It was so much fun.  We danced and sang and screamed at the top of our lungs for 2 hours straight and it felt great.  Yesterday I felt like crap all day, had majorly mad painful cramps and felt like crap all evening.

Today, I get to work and Becky isn’t coming in (she also went home early) because she’s sick.  She really is sick and I feel bad for her :(.  I’ve been feeling kind of overwhelmed with her clients needing help today though.  Mostly when it comes to something I have no idea about (like someone asking me “well did the check get mailed?”  I HAVE NO IDEA!! *Sigh*)  I also got an email this morning from my dad saying he lost his job yesterday, which infuriates me beyond belief.  I already vented for like an hour straight to Jessica and Lance, so I’ll save the strength and not express it again.  I will simply say: I honestly hope that company tanks to hell and he learns that maybe his employees ARE important to him.  Whatever.  I’m stressed at the thought that it’s very possible that my dad could now get a job as a Temple Engineer (which I’d be thrilled about because it’s basically his “dream” job), but if he did, there would be the very real possibility that my parents could move out of state… even out of the COUNTRY if it was needed.  I know he would.  I need to just not think about things unless or until they happen.

Tomorrow Bart and I have an appointment at Subaru to have something done with his car (protecting the seats or something?  I don’t know) but it’s at 8:30 in the morning, which I’m trying to not be a baby about.  It’s Saaaaaturday :(.  *Sob*.  Then Ki has a game in Heber, still don’t know what TIME, but I know we’re going, so we’ll probably be in Heber all day.  I’m hoping that I’ll have some downtime on Sunday so I can at least sit still… possibly drive down to Payson and see Robin.  I hope.

I just want this week to end I think.  As for right now, I’m hungry.

Word of the Day… “Naif”

I use dictionary.com a lot when I want to confirm that I’m spelling something correctly… anyway, my point is that every day on their main page, there’s a “Word of the day” and I think it’s funny.  Today’s word was “Naif”.  What a weird word.  I’m sure people could often use that word to describe me. LOL

A while ago I started fondly referring to every other Tuesday as “Busy Tuesday”.  Every other Tuesday is the day that Sheri comes in to run her big client and it’s also the same day that I run mine.  It’s always a way busy day, FedEx packages fill the entire desk in the front office and there’s rarely time to just sit.  It always goes fast though.  Sometimes too fast.  By the time 5:00 came around yesterday, I had no idea it was 5:00.  I didn’t realize it until Dianna was headed out the door and said “See you guys tomorrow!”  Ha.  Today should be slower, although today I will get the “big one” from Idaho.  It’s just a pain to enter all the stuff…

Yesterday was my Weigh in for the challenge and I was really happy that I’m down one more pound.  The past week 1/2 I’ve slacked severely on exercising.  I need to figure out a “schedule” or routine for my workouts.  I’ve had a hard time with this since Bart started working the same hours as me.  When he gets home, I’d just rather spend time with him than work out and I have proved that I’m not being strong enough to just make myself do it.  I really wish we had a house that I could dedicate one room to be the workout room.  I REALLY think it would help me!  A lot of the time when I’m exercising at home, I feel like if I put in all my energy, the people below us are going to be bothered by me jumping around.  So far I’ve lost 18 lbs. though and that feels good enough that it really shows me that I NEED to keep going because it IS possible for me to reach my goal.

I’ve had fun with my “new” car :).  I’ve had it for a week now and I think it finally feels like it’s mine.  Last night Bart and I went to Walmart after dinner and I drove… something about him sitting in the passenger seat and me driving made it really feel like it was officially my car.  LOL!  I’ll get to make the payment in a few weeks (Woohoo!… yeah) so I’m sure it’ll feel even more like mine once that starts.  Heh.  I’ll admit I’m kind of nervous about that payment (it’s $85.00 more than I was paying on the Suzuki and $120.00 more than the required payment on the Suzuki).  We’ll see how it goes.  I just worry too much.  *Sigh*

I was kindly reminded yesterday (by a client) that Labor Day is Monday and my office will be closed!  HA!  Yeah… I totally didn’t know that, or just didn’t realize it… whatever.  So YAY!  Long weekend!    Bart said Nick is coming up this weekend, so we may hang out with him (and probably his wife?  I assume she’d come with him?) on Saturday night and then Sunday night I think we’re going to stay the night at the Cabin with Bart’s mom, maybe Mary (?) Cody and Lila… I’m not sure who else, but it’s nice up there and I’m looking forward to the cool air, mountains and shady grass.  Aaaaaw relaxation   I can’t wait

Today was Kaitlyn’s first day of Kindergarten!!!  Lena just sent me a picture and she said she’ll upload more later.  She’s soooooooooooo cute!!!! *Squeal* hehehehe

New

Last night Bart and I went up to Larry H. Miller Subaru and about 3 1/2 hours and $30,000 later… Bart now has his dream car.  I can’t even describe how happy it makes me to see him in that.  I know it just sounds like a cliche “dream car”, but no… I mean DREAM.  He’s been dreaming about this car, researching it, learning everything there is to know about it, for seriously like 10 years.  “Subaru Blue” 2008 WRX.    We traded in my Suzuki, which the dealership gave us $3500.00 for (I only owed $3000.00, so that made me happy) so not only does Bart have a new car, but now I do too!  I get his Mazda 3.  hehehehehe  Yay!  I’m excited and feel cool in that car!  It hasn’t completely sunk in yet though… at this point I sort of feel like I don’t have a car and that Bart just now has 2 cars.  You know?  I’m sure I won’t always feel that way… at least when I start making the payments on the Mazda it’ll probably feel more like “mine”, but right now it doesn’t really.  I KIND of miss my car already, but I don’t think I actually miss the car… it was just my first car really.  lol.  I mean, I had the Tempo when I was 17 and then the corsica after that, but those were both sorta junkers and both of them were practically given to me.  The Suzuki, I worked hard for, I paid for myself and it was in my name.  lol.  I guess it’s just a little bit of nostalgia :P.

Here it is!:

Kroeber’s

I always want to put pictures on here and I just never do… Here will be my first.  (I actually took these from Heather’s blog because I haven’t uploaded mine yet.)

In Uniform

Salute

Christopher Hall, Kenneth Hall, Elijah Hall & Donald Hall Kroeber

Slow down!

Today has been CRAZY!  I guess I just didn’t really think about how busy it was going to be.  I knew tomorrow would be busy, but yeah… wasn’t prepared for it to be slammed today.  Today has flown by really fast and then about ten minutes ago, came to a screetching halt.  I don’t even know how many payrolls I’ve done but it feels like a hundred. lol.  Whew.

We went camping Friday thru Sunday down at the Palisades with Bart’s dad, step mom and sisters.  Julie’s parents came as well and then on Saturday night, Grandma and Grandpa Moorman came as well  (then shortly after, uncle Rick and random kids showed up).  The weekend was fun though and I’m THRILLED that I didn’t get sunburnt :).  Woohoo!  We ended up leaving early (around 9am) Sunday morning so we could make it back with enough time to go to lunch at Christopher’s.  Bart didn’t end up coming with me, which was fine and I didn’t really expect him to, but then I got there and no one even showed up!  My parents, of course along with Don and Brenda (and Jairus came with them), but other than them, it was just Heather’s, Christopher and me.  Lena’s family didn’t come and neither did Harmony!    I was disappointed, but it was ok.  They seemed kind of rushed because they were heading down to Bryce Canyon and wanted to get on the road.  So, I think I was there for maybe an hour 1/2 total and then they left, so I went home.  I decided that I really like Brenda.  She’s really nice and she reminds me of Emily and Sam’s mom in a way.  Heh.  I still just feel like I don’t know Don at all.  I don’t DISlike him, I just don’t know him.  Meh.

So, I was able to work up the courage to talk to Bart about Jimmy writing.  I’ve felt so guilty for not telling him for the longest time because I felt like I was “keeping” something from him.  The only reason I hadn’t talked to him about it before is because the last time Jimmy wrote (like 2 years ago), Bart really seemed to not want anything to do with it and I felt bad for bringing it up.  The bad thing is, I am really glad that Jimmy is seemingly doing well.  He seems to be opening his eyes to life around him and realizing maybe he doesn’t want to live the way he is.  Maybe he doesn’t want to spend the rest of his life in prison and he doesn’t want his son to be ashamed of the person he chose to be.  Jimmy is a good person, I just wish he’d mature enough to accept the facts of life and maybe make some better choices for himself!  This morning Emily told me that she got 2 more letters for me from him.  In a way, I feel like I should tell Bart when I get letters, but at the same time, I feel like he doesn’t want to know.  I just don’t know if I DON’T tell him, will he feel alienated about it later on?  *Sigh*  I just don’t know.  I guess I’ll just take it as it comes.  I just didn’t want Bart to feel uncomfortable or threatened by the fact that I am writing Jimmy BACK.  …Yeah.  Plooie.

I’ve had a migraine from my waste to my brain all day today.  I was fine this morning and then basically the second I got to work, it hit me pretty hard.  So hard that I seriously wonder if I twisted wrong or messed up something small when I sat down… I don’t know, but I’ve been feeling like I want to throw up all day so far.  I slept surprisingly well last night too!  Even with Bart playing games or whatever he was doing on his phone last night :p  LOL!

Lisa lent me “Breaking Dawn” on Friday and I was planning on reading it over the weekend, then Kent brought to my attention that my 1 year evaluation is this week and I need to turn in Chapter 1 thru 9 quizzes of “The Payroll Source”.  I tried studying while we were at the Palisades, but I only got like half of Chapter 3 test on paper.  It just wasn’t very successful with people running around and then someone trying to talk to me every five minutes.  Heh.  Lately I’ve been having books piling up on my “To Read” list!  I’m still not done with “The Last Witness” although I’m pretty close to done, then I need to read Breaking Dawn, although I’ve considered starting back at the first one and re-reading them… I also have “B-Mother” that I’ve been wanting to read, although I bought it, so I’m not in too much of a hurry on that one.  Then Brie (from my bmombuds group) suggested a book called “Next Thing On My List” that sounded really good and probably an emotional one from the sounds of it.  lol.  I still haven’t read the book my mom gave me called “The Marvelous Journey Home”.  She even had the Author autograph it!   Anyway… definitely a list of books I want to read.  Now that Bart works days and is home at night, I don’t read nearly as much as I’d like to!  I always feel like I’m ignoring him or something if I sit and read instead of hanging out with him.

Alright, well it was a pretty good and enjoyed break in between the swamp of clients, but now it’s back… so, back to work I go!

Grandfather…?

So… today I went to lunch with my whole family because my Dad’s father has come into town.  He (and his wife) live in Florida and to make a long story short, I’ve met them once in my entire life and I was about 3 years old.  I don’t remember him at all.  He’s never really made any attempt at a relationship with myself or any of my siblings and for the 23 years that I’ve been alive, has never ONCE come to visit us, no matter where we lived.  Other than a Birthday card (that is very clearly from his wife… not from him) and a $15.00 check every year, I have nothing from him other than my Dad.  The one attempt I made at getting to know him was when I was about 14 years old and was going through my rebel teenage phase (in which I shortly afterward became pregnant!) and I was causing so much trouble for my parents that they decided it would be good for me to spend a summer away from home and away from the trouble.  My dad sent his dad a letter explaining the situation and asking if I could come stay with them for a summer… well, he wrote back to my dad giving a 2 page (2 pages, no joke) list of reasons why it wouldn’t be convenient for them to have me around.  (I ended up spending the summer in Nebraska with my Mom’s sister instead).  But, that just gives you an idea.

We found out this year that he has prostate cancer along with a million other problems… God only knows… I have no idea.. anyway, he knows he’s dying and we know he’s dying.  He will probably die this year and if he doesn’t, I’ll be really surprised.   I think BECAUSE he knows he’s dying, he’s starting to realize that maybe he should have been more involved with his family… his SON for one.  He’s never been there for my dad.  He (dad’s dad) was in the Air Force so they lived in Japan for many years while my dad was younger and moved around a lot… so he wasn’t around very much as is… then, my dad’s mother died when he was 15 years old from a brain Aneurism and after that, they really had no relationship.  The only thing I can see that was good out of it was that because his dad wasn’t around his whole life, my dad WAY over compensated by being the most amazing dad you can imagine.  I imagine he knew how it felt to not have a dad that cared, so when my parents had us, my dad gave every bit of his being to be a good dad to us.  So, I have his dad to thank for THAT I guess.  lol

Anyway, they’re visiting for like a week I guess… staying with my parents… and my dad wanted all of us to go out to lunch today.  Needless to say, I felt extremely uncomfortable about it and the ONLY reason I agreed to do it is so I can be there as support to my dad.  I imagine it was probably fairly hard for him too… probably way more, considering I don’t even KNOW the guy.  My parents got upset at me because Bart and I are going camping this weekend with HIS dad’s side of the family, which has been planned for months, and my parents think that since this is the only time I’ll have to get to know my “Grandpa”, that I should take it.  Well, I don’t care if I’m a bitch, but I’m not going to cancel plans on Bart’s family.. MY family… just because some guy decided to come visit.  Maybe I’m blinded by my resentment… do you think I’m being completely unreasonable?  Should I give him a chance?  I don’t have a problem going and I’ll probably even talk to him, but I have no desire to try to build a relationship with a man that has had 23 years to be in my life and then he picks NOW to jump in… how convenient… considering he’s going to DIE.  I told my mom that what would probably end up happening if I did try to gain a relationship is that I’ll probably LIKE him more than I expect to, will feel all great because I suddenly have a Grandpa and then he’ll die right as I start to get used to it.  Great. LOL  I’m just so frustrated about it.  Maybe I’m more frustrated that he’s going to die.  Deep down, I love the fact that for once in my life, he’s in the same STATE as me… but I don’t want to open myself up to him just to knowingly crush myself by losing yet another person I care for.

I just got back and well, as most things turn out… I lived through it.  Things are NEVER as bad as I prepare for them to be and even though I know that about myself, I still always exaggerate my feelings.

It was… interesting.  Almost my whole family was there, including my 19 year old nephew and 16 year old niece.  It was so great just to simply see them there, part of the family… It was my entire family, excluding my sister and brother in law who live in Seattle, my 2 brother in laws and my BROTHER didn’t come he’s at the Army base or something this week.  Anyway… yeah… The first thing I noticed that was very strange to me is that My dad’s dad is EXACTLY like my dad.  They look the same (I imagine my dad will look exactly the same way when he’s in his 80’s), they TALK the same, they even have the same laugh.  It was SO strange to see that and I sat and really wondered how it was that two people so much alike didn’t have a relationship at all.  I was WAY happy for one thing though… Bart had to work and didn’t plan on coming and he came!! I was so happy he was there and I think because he came, I didn’t feel nearly as uncomfortable as I thought I would.  When we walked in, the first thing he (Don) said to me was “Do you remember me?” and I simply said “No.” I wasn’t RUDE or anything, I just said No… I felt like saying “Are you serious?  You expect me to remember you when I haven’t seen you for 20 years??  I’M 23 YEARS OLD!”  Anyway… we started talking about how old everyone was, the grandkids, etc. and Brenda (“grandma”) started naming off everyone’s birthdays.  I was really shocked that she KNEW our birthdays.  She had everyone’s birthdays and ages memorized.  I just… was blown away.  I didn’t even know how to respond.  Just that small fact that they knew when my birthday was made me think “Wow, they really did KNOW I exist”.

It was great to see my dad interact with his dad.  I had to hold back tears a few times because he just looked so happy.  He looked like a little boy who’s dad was taking him fishing or something.  I sat next to my dad during lunch and there were a few times that I just had to put my head on his shoulder and hug him because I just didn’t know how else to express how I felt seeing him so happy.  It was seriously as if they had never been parted.  I didn’t talk to them a whole lot and mostly just observed everyone else interacting, but it wasn’t at all as uncomfortable as I thought it would be.  After lunch, I even hugged Brenda and after we got outside and everyone was walking to their cars and saying goodbyes, etc. I gave Don a hug and said “It was good to see you”.  That was it.  If I’m not mistaken, I’m pretty sure I saw him tear up before I headed to my car.

Brenda said something to me before I left, basically how much this meant to Don and how proud he was of all of us.  She said there have been so many times that they wanted to come visit.  I felt like asking “Then why didn’t you?” but it ended there.  She just said “There have been so, so many times that we wanted to see you”  I was somewhat WAITING for “But we didn’t have the time, or money, or we were sick” or or or… you know?  She didn’t.  No excuses, that’s all she said.  It really makes me wonder how much guilt he’s been carrying around all these years.  Really the past 40 years because that’s about when he stopped being around for my Dad.  He’s GOT to regret that he missed out on ALL of his grandkids and GREAT grandkids lives… especially his son.  How could he not regret it?  He knows he’s dying now and now he sees what he missed.  I hope that he sees how wonderful my dad is.  I actually wished I had told him that.

As I said, we’re supposed to be going camping with Bart’s dad this weekend and so far, his dad hasn’t called us.  Bart said that if we don’t hear from them by tonight, we’re not going to go, because we’re supposed to leave tomorrow after work and there’s no way I’m going shopping and packing, etc. etc. etc. and then driving 80 miles.  My mom said they’re having a BBQ on Saturday, then lunch at my brother’s on Sunday… and now I’m thinking that if we don’t go camping, I want to go.  The argument I’m now having with myself is do I really want to fall in love with this guy… my “Grandpa” and build a bit of a relationship just to have him die?  He’ll probably die before the end of the year.  Do I really want to do that?  It would have been so much easier if he had just been a complete jerk or something… but no… he had to be nice… he’s just like my dad… and now I find myself WANTING to get to know him.  I don’t even see the point.  It’s not like I’ll be able to continue a relationship.  I feel angry at myself for allowing me to like him.  I wish I hadn’t gone now.  Why did he choose NOW?  Why didn’t he want a relationship with us even a couple years ago or something?  Give us SOME time to have a relationship with him??  It would just be easier for me if I left it alone and didn’t get to know him any more than just today.  I don’t know.

August 11, 2008

Monday, August 11, 2008

Libra (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

You can easily fool yourself today, inadvertently mixing up fantasy with reality. Additionally, you are so good at telling stories now, you can convince others to believe in nearly anything that seems real to you. This is a powerful combination for love, but a relationship that is based on illusion will likely hit the rocks very quickly. It’s best to set imagination aside and stick to the facts.

What an interesting horoscope.  Sheesh.  This is Bart’s:

Leo (Jul 23 – Aug 22)

Relationship issues just won’t go away; they follow you around these days like a puppy dog nipping at your leg. But these teeth can hurt if you let them, especially if you try to bury unresolved emotional pain from your past. Embrace your shortcomings by accepting where you are in life, but don’t try to change your current attitude by rewriting your history. Write your future instead.

??? LOL  Ok.  Nice.

Anyway, we got back from Vegas last night.  It was fun and not nearly long enough.  It was nice to just be out of Utah.  For some reason the further I am from home, the easier I find it to forget about things that are always weighing on me.  I’m exhausted today, but I just didn’t sleep well at all last night.  I woke up at probably 2:30am with heartburn and never really got back to sleep completely until about 6:00 (at which point I REALLY should have just gotten up for the day).  So, I slept until 7:45, which means I probably hit “Snooze” on my alarm like 10 times and don’t even remember doing it.  I took a fast shower and got dressed and didn’t have time to do my hair or makeup or even get breakfast… so, I’m tired, hungry and feel messy.  I did go into the restroom a little while ago and put SOME makeup on just so I didn’t look like I just jumped straight out of bed and sleep walked to work.  I’m looking forward to the day ending though and hopefully I can get some real sleep tonight.

I’m gonna go to lunch.