Venting

So, for a fairly outgoing person, I’ve been having an unusually difficult time expressing my thoughts/emotions lately. I don’t know why and it’s starting to get to me. Up until last month, I REALLY thought that I have grown a ton the past 6 years. I’m a birthmother, it’s just who I am and I deal with it the same as any person deals with anything in their life, but the past month or so, I feel like I’m falling fast.

It’s been 2 years since I’ve heard from my son’s adoptive parents and the more time that goes on, the more my mind is thinking up random stuff. I guess I’m trying to convince myself of a REASON. Why would they just STOP writing me? Our “agreement” was that after 2 years, they’d send me a picture and/or letter on or around Dustin’s birthday every year. At least that’s what I understood, so maybe I need to ask my social worker if I’m making stuff up… So, I think once a YEAR isn’t that difficult!

I’ve tried to convince myself of the generic reasons: They have a family, busy lives, they probably want to move on with their lives, etc. etc. etc. but I’m just starting to get so frustrated and depressed about it that I’m throwing the NICE reasons out the window. I’m starting to dread the thoughts of: Maybe they don’t want him to know about me, what if they aren’t even keeping my letters and the pictures I send him, what if they don’t want me to be involved at ALL? I don’t know what I’d do. I feel TERRIBLE for thinking these things because I love them so much. Other than this, I’ve never felt anything negative toward them. I just don’t know what to DO! I’ve tried twice now to call my social worker just to ask her what she suggests or what I can do, but she hasn’t returned my calls so far and now that’s really getting to me. I brought a present, card and letter to the agency for Dustin’s birthday in January and I’m wondering if they even went and got it….

Am I being psycho? I mean… am I honestly losing my mind? Should I back off and try to forget about trying?

Ok… well, I don’t feel much better after ranting, but at least I’m not holding it in anymore.

Support

I may have told some of you that I joined an adoption forum last month and I just have to express how amazed I am with how much it’s helped me.  I’ve already gone through 6 years alone (of course I’m not ALONE, but hopefully you know what I mean) and now after 6 years, […]

Groove

Today is such a beautifully wonderful day.  By the time I got out of the shower this morning and started getting ready for work, the sun was shining and POURING through my windows.  It’s so wonderful.  I’ve been craving the sun really badly this week and I’m really soaking it in now.  We have all […]

Lemons

Every once in a while I just have “one of those days”.  To most people when you say that, it means you’re having a really bad day and everything is going wrong, etc. etc. etc.  To me… “just one of those days”, is when I wake up and the first thing I think about is […]

“A Piece Of Me”

A piece of Me By Amy Walkup How do I begin to say the things within my heart? So many nights I cried for you because we had to part. How can you explain a feeling to someone who doesn’t know? How does one understand emotions out of their control? Tears began to fill my […]

Flooooood

Our office flooded last night.  Well, not the whole office, just the whole back of the office.  Apparently the toilet pipe (which is in the back area of the building) leaked or something and now the whole back is flooded.  There have been cleanup people here all morning with huge hoses and vacuums getting rid […]

Grump

I’m amazingly grumpy today.  For the first time since I started working here, my alarm didn’t go off and I didn’t wake up ’til like 7:50.  It took me a second to realize what time it was (I usually get up between 6:50 – 7:10… 7:20 is the latest I can get up without being […]

Sudafed

I don’t really know if I can say I feel better today or not.  I’ve had a few people ask “do you feel any better?” and I’m just kinda thinkin… “uuuh… I’m not sure”.  One thing that’s nice (compared to Friday/Saturday) is that I can swallow today.  That’s a major improvement.  It’s extremely frustrating not […]

Alive

Well… I’m alive.  I feel like I’ve been run over by a truck, or just punched a lot.  My whole body hurts and my face hurts.  lol.  Throat, nose, eyes… I hurt.  I think I maybe got 3 or so hours of sleep last night and I really wish I could just go back to […]

Tired… :(

I’m kind of annoyed, mostly because I’m tired and I get frustrated (and sometimes weepy) when I can’t sleep. I haven’t been up like this in a long time, but right now I can barely breathe, my throat is so sore. I started feeling sick earlier today (well, I guess yesterday – Thursday) and I’ve […]