Just the way it is

Skylar and Cassie got married on Saturday!  It was an awesome wedding.  I cried (not surprising), especially watching Skylar and Cassie take their first dance as a married couple, then even moreso when Cassie danced with her Dad.  LOL  I’m such a baby.  But she looked beautiful and it was one of the funnest, laid back weddings I’d been to (as far as weddings go…)  Everyone who knows me knows how I feel about weddings in general, so it was pretty good!    Heidi flew down from Seattle to be here for it, which was awesome, although she flew back home again this morning.  It was cool to have her here though.  It’s not very often (ok, NEVER) that she comes to Utah twice in one year!  Here are a couple pictures:

My parents with ALL of their Grandchildren, including their newest

Of course since this was a Barney wedding, all the Barney-extensions were there.  We’ve been very close to Ryan’s family since Lena and he got married in ’93.  They may as well be my brothers and sisters and Aunts and Uncles.  Travis (Ryan’s youngest brother) was there with his son Sebastian.  Most people that would potentially read this will probably know who this is without explanation, but those of you who don’t – Sebastian and Dustin are about 2 weeks apart.  Laurie (Sebastian’s Mom) and I were pregnant together for our entire pregnancies other than the two weeks between when Sebastian was born until Dustin was.  They looked SO much alike when they were born, everyone commented on it.  As I received pictures while Dustin was growing up, it was almost eerie how much they looked alike.  They could easily be mistaken for at least brothers, if not twins.  It’s always a little difficult for me to see Sebastian, especially the past few years when more and more time goes by without me hearing from Dustin’s parents, or seeing a picture of him.  I don’t KNOW what Dustin looks like.  I haven’t seen a picture of him since he was 4 years old, so my mind automatically connects Dustin with Sebastian.  I see Sebastian and have to force myself to keep the tears from rushing down my face, mostly because I don’t want to freak him out and wonder why I’ve suddenly gone crazy.  lol  But really, I talked to him on Saturday and watched him and David playing together (it was kind of cute that David and Sebastian were basically inseparable the entire evening) and I can’t help but wonder if Dustin looks that way, or if he has the same mannerisms, or likes the same things.  It’s been a couple years since I’ve seen Sebastian in person (seeing pictures of him is even difficult sometimes) so it was sort of a shock to me to see this completely “grown up” little boy that talks like a normal person and does things independently, etc.  It’s strange that he’s not a little boy anymore and SEEING him not a little boy made me realize even more that Dustin is no longer a little boy either.  It’s really difficult for me to actually grasp that sometimes, considering that the last picture I have to look at is him as a 4 year old boy, so that’s how Dustin still is in my mind.  I can’t help it.  If I have no other image to put in my mind, he basically stays a little boy forever.

So… kind of on the same subject (and I’ve actually started to write about this quite a few times and haven’t been able to get the words out), but I dropped off a letter to Dustin’s parents a few weeks ago.  The 11th, to be exact.  It was a Thursday and almost 5:30 when I got there.  The lady that now handles all the correspondence at the agency leaves at 5:30.  I was fortunate enough that she happened to still be there, although her door was already closed and she basically took the letter just to save me another trip, but she informed me that she didn’t work on Friday’s, so she wouldn’t be calling the adoptive parents until Monday (the 15th).  Of course I didn’t argue… not like I have any choice since I have no other options of communicating with them! 😛 Well, in this letter, I offered them my email address as a possible form of communication, thinking maybe it’s a little too difficult for them to get to the agency (I know that it’s fairly difficult for me, so I just thought maybe it is for them too… I don’t know where they live or how often they’re over that way).  I’ve been a little anxious about it… for some reason this time I have a different feeling.  I always get my hopes up when I send a letter off, thinking maybe *this time* they’ll respond and I’ll get a letter.  Obviously that hasn’t happened since 2006, so I don’t really know what’s different about this letter, but I really have been feeling like maybe they’ll answer this time.  It’s stronger than I’ve ever felt before.  I fully accept that it’s possible that my hope has just built too high this time, that for whatever reason, my subconscious is allowing it to go past the point of no return… it’s very possible (and in all reality – pretty likely) that they won’t respond, that it’ll be no different than the past hundred letters I’ve written (ok, not a hundred, but still…) so I don’t know.  Anyway, I got a little overly anxious last week, so I called the agency (on the 23rd) to confirm that the letter had been picked up.  It hadn’t.  The second she said “It’s still here”, my heart sank.  I felt like I was going to throw up, it hit me that fast.  I built up enough to ask if she could tell me whether the last letters I’d dropped off (months ago) had ever been picked up.  She quickly confirmed that ALL letters I’ve written in the past have been picked up and signed for, so not to worry that far.  I asked when they called them and she said “we called them on the 18th”.  ….the 18th?  So, it sat there for an ENTIRE week before they even called to tell them they had a letter waiting?  Then she informs me that they don’t make another attempt to contact until like 3-4 weeks after the first attempt.  There’s nothing I can do about it, so I just said “thank you” and that was that.  I have no control over contacting them, so this is what I have to do.  Well, I tried to be patient, but it didn’t work as well as I thought… I called again today.  I asked the lady if they had picked up the letter.  She said “No, they haven’t.”  I immediately started crying.  I apologized over and over.  I really felt frustrated that I couldn’t control my emotions and that this poor woman was the one caught in the crossfire.  I apologized more and tried to explain that I’m feeling anxious about this particular letter and blah blah blah and she said “normally I only call a couple once a month if they have a letter waiting, but I’ll set aside everything else right now and call all three numbers that I have for them.  Would that help?”  …I think I said “Thank you, thank you, thank you” at least 20 times.  Cried some more.  “Thank you” some more.  Said it would really mean a lot, yada yada yada.  I really do appreciate the agency.  It isn’t their fault when I feel overly frustrated.  It isn’t their fault that Dustin’s parents haven’t written, or that they haven’t picked up their letter.  *Sigh*  Just sometimes it’s frustrating not knowing where to direct my emotions when no one, including myself, can control this situation.  I do hope they pick it up… but I don’t think I should call to ask again.  It won’t help me.  If they’re contacted twice, they’ll obviously know it’s there… it’s up to them whether they pick it up or not….  All I can do is hope.