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Posted by destiny on February 17, 2011 in 2011 Entries |

Today was a good day.  The past few days, actually, have been pretty good.  No, I still don’t have a job, but I’m applying for jobs every day and I’m confident that the right job will come to me if I keep trying.  I actually had a pretty awesome interview yesterday (I was there for over an hour!) and I’m trying not to get my hopes up too high, but I really want this job.  Hell, my hopes are already up, so who am I kidding?  It just sounds so perfect and the people seemed really nice.  I was grinning when I left, so that’s a good sign, right?  I should know by tomorrow or Monday whether they want me back for a second interview and he said he wanted to make a final decision by Tuesday or Wednesday of next week and have someone start right away.  A huge plus to this job would be that it’s right next door to Bart’s work and the hours seem to be the same, so we could drive together every day and save a lot in gas.  Anyway, I shouldn’t talk about it too much ’cause the more I do, the more I want it!

I feel like I’ve gone shopping like every day this week.  Oh, wait… it’s ’cause I have!  I’m not very good at grocery shopping by myself, ’cause I forget things. LOL  Or I get frustrated that I can’t find things and give up and then I have to go back the next day, or to a different store, to find it.  At least I feel useful though.  One less thing for Bart to have to do!

Today, out of no where, I felt the need to write Dustin a letter.  I don’t really talk about it much to other people, so it’s not really something that you would know, but I haven’t written to Dustin in probably 8-9 months.  This past year, particularly the past few months, have been really difficult for me emotionally and for some reason every time I would sit down and start to write to him, I’d get maybe one line in and go blank.  Not even necessarily go “blank”, but what I wanted to say wouldn’t come out.  It’s very frustrating, because I WANT to write so badly, but I also don’t want to send a robotic, generic “Hi how are you?  I’m fine.” type of letter.  It just isn’t my style.  So, today when I just started writing out of no where, I was surprised.  It felt good.  Before I knew it, I had written almost  6 pages and it felt like a relief.  There has been so much I’ve wanted to write for so long and to finally get it all out just felt amazing.  I cried for probably ten minutes afterward and I felt like a weight had been lifted.  I also called my case worker (although it was after 5 and I knew she wouldn’t be there), but I left a voicemail and basically asked if she could either call Dustin’s parents, or talk to their case worker, and see how they would feel about us transferring our correspondence to the Springville agency.  Until a couple weeks ago, I didn’t even know there was a location in Springville (only discovered it because I brought Jake to a counseling appointment there).  In my defense, I learned that it hasn’t been there very long.  They just built it recently.  How recently, I’m not sure (coulda been there the entire time I’ve lived in Springville, but that’s not the point!) Since I don’t know where Magui and Geary live, I don’t know if it’ll be convenient for them, but I’m hoping that we can transfer everything there because not only would it be extremely convenient for me, but I don’t have any emotional “trauma” tied to that building, so maybe I wouldn’t have such a hard time dropping letters and gifts off.  I tend to put off sending things for way too long because I hate going to the building itself.  I literally have anxiety attacks, regardless of my mood at the moment of arriving.  I walk into that building and feel like my chest may cave in and I can’t breathe properly.  It’s not even a conscious thing, I just know that my subconscious ties every step I take in there to the steps I took the last day that I saw Dustin.  The last day that I held him, or kissed him, or said “I love you”.  It ties the most painful time in my life and I just flat out don’t enjoy going there.  Not to mention that Sandy isn’t even there full time anymore (fairly certain she transferred to the American Fork location) so I pretty much have no reason to WANT to go there.  At least seeing her every once in a while before made it bearable, but now that she’s never there when I do go there, I just don’t want to be there at all.  So, I’m really hoping that they’ll agree to the Springville location.  Side note – I know a lot of people have asked me “why don’t you just mail your correspondence to the agency?”  Well, it’s not even an option in my mind, so don’t try to suggest it.  That causes even more of an anxiety attack than me going there.  I know it’s probably like borderline unhealthy, but I’m so worried that if I mail it, that it won’t get there, then I’ll never know whether they got it or not.  I ALREADY don’t KNOW for certain whether they get my letters and gifts, but at least if I physically bring it there, I know that I got it there.  Whether they pick it up or not is out of my control.  So… that is why I don’t mail stuff there.  No discussion.  :)

I took Jake to counseling this morning and then brought him back to Santaquin.  While I was there I stopped at Harmony’s to look through a bunch of stuff she’s getting rid of to make room for the baby and I am starting to get even more excited for the baby now, because Harmony has a VERY visible “baby bump” that’s so cute.  I can’t wait for this baby to get here.  It might ease my baby hunger temporarily.  LOL  Only 4 more months!!

Last night Bart’s friend Russell called him saying that his brother was having trouble with his computer and asked Bart if he could help.  Well, he couldn’t really diagnose it over the phone, so we decided to go over there and since we were going there anyway, we brought Gideon with us.  Russell is who we got Gideon from, and he has Gideon’s brother, Duke.  Russell’s PARENTS have Gideon’s Mom (Sage) and his sister (Piper), so when we got there and had the three siblings (all big black dogs) and their Mom, it was a pretty cool thing to me.  They had a blast together too.  Piper was really funny and totally snapping at Duke and Gideon to leave her alone (PMSy sister! LOL) so Duke and Gideon pretty much played and played until Duke was worn out and Gideon had no one to play with.  We need to get them together more often.  It was so cool to see how similar they are, but have such different personalities.  It was also really sweet, for me at least, to see Gideon with his Momma.

Oh, by the way, I did finally receive correspondence from DWS and I was APPROVED for unemployment benefits, so I at least have a little bit of money coming in now.  Not that I enjoy being on unemployment, but I do enjoy being able to pay my bills and not having Bart stressed about everything.  Even better, I got my Federal tax refund last week (way unexpected… it was super fast!) and then the same day I got my unemployment deposit, I got my 401k money that I requested, so for a brief time, I had over $2600 in my account and it looked ever so pretty.  Since I was approved for unemployment and no longer NEED the 401k money, I put that into my savings, along with the Federal refund, so for the first time in like… ever… I have over $1700 in my SAVINGS account.  (W0000000T!!!)  Such a good feeling.  Now….. hopefully I get that job! :)

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