Gross

I have a doctors appointment in Springville today at 3:50, so I’m leaving here around 2:30 ish to make sure I get there on time. Hopefully he can prescribe me something else for ADD (I don’t think the Ritalin is helping much) and maybe something for this depression. Even if it’s just something I can take every once in a while. Sigh.

So, I am going camping this weekend with my family. I’m probably going to stay at my parents house tonight to hang out with Heidi and Sage… I’ve seen Heidi twice this year already, but haven’t seen Sage for like over a year… so yeah… then go to Timp tomorrow and Sunday and come home Sunday night so I can go to work on time Monday. We’ll see how 2 whole days with them goes. :p I’m glad Heather is going because sometimes I feel like she’s the only one in the entire family (other than Christopher) that doesn’t judge me and make me feel “low”. I really wish Christopher was going to be there too. I miss him a lot and I wish now that I had taken advantage of them moving so close and spent more time with him before he had to leave. I just pray that he will come home safely. I know he will :). I shouldn’t think anything different.

This morning was strange to me… I got up, showered, got dressed as I do every day… same routine… and as I was heading out the door, I looked at Bart asleep on the livingroom floor and had the sudden urge to throw my arms around him and hug him as tight as I could. Of course I refrained from doing that because I didn’t want to wake him up, but I feel somehow like I haven’t seen him for a long time. It’s like the feeling of missing someone, but they’re right in front of you. I can’t really explain it, but every once in a while I will look at him and wonder if he really knows how much I love him. If it’s possible for him to imagine how much I love him, but I don’t think I show him enough. Saying “I love you” every day sometimes isn’t clear enough and I need to show him more often how much I appreciate him and everything he does for me.

Bart’s birthday is next Sunday and if he doesn’t have to work, I’m going to try to take that day to spoil him as much as I can. I’m really excited to give him his present and am quite proud of the fact that I’ve had it so long and haven’t spoiled it and given it to him before his birthday. I’m going to keep it hidden and hold onto it until next Sunday, although it’s kind of difficult, because I really want to give it to him. I hope he likes it. He doesn’t like to get attention on his birthday and doesn’t even like to announce that it is his birthday, so hopefully he can handle that I AM going to make him know that it’s his birthday, I’m glad he was born and I want to celebrate him. Hopefully after this weekend, things will be better.

I don’t have anything to do here… it’s quiet and organized (deep sigh of relief). This is a happy relief from the chaotic jumble of a mess at College Terrace. No piles of files, no scrambles of papers flying everywhere and no stupid ceiling windows with the sun beating down on me. I think I will just sit back and enjoy the silence.