Memories

I was just skimming through old pictures this morning and figured I’d remind myself of things that bring a smile to my face.  Seems like lately I don’t smile as much as I used to… I’m trying to fix that.  Slowly, but surely.

Dustin & Me - 01/12/2002

I brought Dustin home on Jan. 12th and spent every second I could with him.  In this picture, he is staring at the TV in awe, watching Jake play Super Mario Bros.  Everyone commented on how funny it was that Dustin was so focused on the game.  He’d turn his head back to me when I spoke.  He looked at me like “I know you!”

Hi Baby

Shortly after he was born.  He seemed so confused (and almost annoyed!) at all the flashes going off and his picture being taken.  He’d blink and scrunch his nose at the flash, then look right at me like “What are they doing to me?!”  I couldn’t help but laugh.  His nose scrunching up was just adorable.  His nose was cold, so I kept kissing it to try to keep it warm.

First Smile

Dustin’s first smile caught on camera.  I remember as clear as crystal when I got this picture.  I opened the envelope where Magui had sent about a dozen pictures.  I saw this picture and gasped, then sobbed while laughing.  I know totally sobby and girly, but wow… until you know how it feels to see your child’s first smile… don’t knock me! lol  For me, being able to see his first smile even though I was (and am not) with him, was the best gift I could have received.

Hey, I know you!

One of my favorites, ever.  I can’t even say how wonderful it is to have pictures and be able to feel like, even in a small way, that I was able to see him grow.    I imagine Magui was laughing when she took this picture.

Big Max

May, 2009.  I received a letter and a couple pictures that Dustin drew.  I love this picture.  Of COURSE I love it because HE drew it (it could have been scribbling lines and circles and I would have loved it just as much), but this picture is particularly special to me, because “Big Max” was my favorite book as a kid and probably still is one of my favorites.  For one of Dustin’s younger birthday’s, I gave him this book and told him that it was my favorite and about my Mom always reading it to me.  I still have my copy of this book sitting at my house as we speak.  It’s tattered and almost falling apart and scribbled on (I had a very bad habit as a young child of drawing/coloring in books), but I love it.  I love this he drew this.  It makes me feel like he knew it was something that was special to me.  I can’t really describe it in words, but… it was the best feeling.  Not to mention he’s seriously talented for a (at the time) 7 year old. 

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Ok, so work is slow today.  Could you tell?  Not a huge surprise either, I know… I have to really try to keep myself occupied, otherwise, well… I explained in my previous post what boredom ends up doing to me.  I’m looking forward to the weekend.  No particular reason other than, well… I’m bored.  Lisa briefly mentioned going camping this weekend (she bought a fancy shmancy camper trailer and she can’t wait to use it!) so we’ll see if we do (not sure!)

I’m going to the doctor on Tuesday.  I barely even want to talk about it, because I can’t even tell you how SICK I am of people telling me I exaggerate things.  lol.  I know most of the time it’s in a joking way, but honestly… if pisses me off more than I ever express.  People always imply that I’m just a baby or exaggerate, etc. and you know, REALLY, I have a fairly high threshold for pain.  I REALLY do, whether you want to think so or not, so if you only knew (or believed) the truth is I only express pain when it’s beyond a certain point.  When I complained of my side hurting a couple years ago and was told I was just being a baby… I had to laugh when the doctor came back and told me I had two broken ribs.  Or last year when I rolled the four wheeler and said my hand hurt.  I was told I was just being a baby and to suck it up, so I did… for a month.  A month went by and it was still pretty annoying and painful, so I snuck a doctor’s appointment and tried avoiding telling people.  The doctor literally stood speechless staring at my x-rays and told me it didn’t make any sense that I was still able to use the hand, with a broken (and twisted backwards) bone.  But nooo… just being a baby, right?  So… I’ve only told Bart and Robin (and David) about this doctor’s appointment.  If it ends up being nothing, then fine, I’m a baby… but seriously, LEAVE ME ALONE!  I’m admitting I’m in pain, which isn’t easy for me to do… doesn’t make me feel good to admit I’m hurting, NOR do I want the attention (GRRRR) so, just… shut it. 

We’ll see how it goes.

Crossword Puzzle

“Russian ruler of yore”……  wtf?!  Yeah, ok.  That was question #1-across on today’s crossword puzzle, therefore, I quit. … Lately, work has been really slow.  Early January I lost a handful of client, mostly because of cost issues and they went in-house or to someone cheaper, etc.  Whatever the reason, the few that I lost, […]

Coping mechanism

The past couple months have been like a whirlwind of shit slapping me in the face.  I can’t seem to stand still without feeling like everything is spinning out of control around me and nothing seems to be going right.  I’m usually prepared for January to be a difficult month, but I wasn’t even remotely […]

New Shoes

As most everyone knows, I’ve been extremely “off” lately.  Not myself… and it’s getting tiring.  I’ve tried to stay positive about things, tried to focus on stuff that makes me happy, but sometimes I just need a pick-me-up.  Can I just say, I have awesome sisters?  Addie sent me shoes yesterday.  Not just any shoes… […]

Reeling

It’s fairly unusual for me to not have the will to write, because writing is my outlet for a lot of things.  It helps me deal with my thoughts and feelings and helps me put things in perspective when I can’t make sense of it in my head.  The past week or so, talking, thinking […]

01/12/2002

Yesterday was a roller coaster of emotions.  Not only do I end up kinda emotional for a bit before and after Dustin’s birthday, but yesterday morning ish (noon maybe) I got a call from Kathy telling me that Melissa was in labor and dilated to 5.  Five!  I wasn’t even dilated to 5 TEN hours […]

01/11/2002

7 lbs. 12 oz. 21 inches long. I know I say it every year and I’ll probably say it for the rest of my life, but it really is surreal that Dustin is already 8 years old.  This birthday is… I lack a word for it… maybe it’s because he’s now 8 and around here, […]

Truths

Miscellaneous truths you may or may not know: I am deathly afraid of grasshoppers. Sorting/putting away socks makes me angry. I love the sound of snow crunching under my feet. I love brussell sprouts. I exaggerate things in my mind a lot.  Mostly the possibility of “bad” things happening. I still think about Dustin every […]

My Bartley

Sometimes, for reasons I don’t even really know, I find myself really thinking about how lucky I am to have Bart.  I tell him I love him every day, but I don’t know if I ever really tell him how much I appreciate him and what it is that I love about him.  I think […]

Two Thousand and Nine

2009 IS OVER, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE? Stayed single almost the whole year? No.  I haven’t been single in almost 7. Were involved in something you’ll never forget? Yeah. Tripped over a coffee table? Yes, but we moved it so now I don’t have to walk past it at all.  Dyed your hair? Got high/low […]