Coping mechanism

The past couple months have been like a whirlwind of shit slapping me in the face.  I can’t seem to stand still without feeling like everything is spinning out of control around me and nothing seems to be going right.  I’m usually prepared for January to be a difficult month, but I wasn’t even remotely prepared for what January 2010 brought me.  Now that it’s over (and February is almost over, for that matter) I’m somewhat surprised I lived through it.  February hasn’t been a whole lot better, but I’m optimistic that it’ll improve soon.  I can feel it coming… or I feel what I hope to be good things coming up.  We’ll see.

Writing is usually my way of expressing myself when I don’t feel like talking to anyone.  Even if I’m writing about something completely unrelated to how I’m feeling, just writing in general helps.  I started on my book last year sometime and am both proud and ashamed to admit that I’m only on Chapter 7.  Proud, because you’d be surprised how difficult it’s been to even get this far.  Ashamed (just to myself) because I had silently made a goal to be DONE with this book within a year of starting it.  I don’t remember exactly when I started, but… it’s been like 6+ months.  Well, realistically I “started” it years ago… meaning the first paragraph.  I “for real” started it last year.  Brittany has been the only one to read the first couple Chapters, so whenever I sent those previews to her… that’s about when I started.  It’s been frustrating and at the same time, fairly helpful to me.  Writing out memories as if I’m telling someone elses story helps me remember where I’ve been and see how far I’ve come.  Frustrating, because I find myself jumping in and out of past and present-tense, if that makes sense.  Writing about your own memories is hard, because I want to express it as if I’m simply telling a story… but find myself slipping into “first person” mode and writing as if it’s the present.  It’s frustrating that I keep scattering between the two because it seems like such an elementary issue.  Ugh.  I have the same problem with the prologue, but here it is anyway:

Prologue

Looking back on the past couple years of my life, I would have never guessed I’d end up where I am now.  I would have never imagined the experiences and struggles I had faced in such a short amount of time would have ever been possible.  I came from a great family, was one of the minority of people left on earth who still had their Mother and Father married to each other, loving siblings, a good education, raised with good values and discipline… but everyone knows there’s no guarantee that you’ll walk the ‘straight and narrow’ just because you were taught to.

Here I am, sitting upright in this flat flimsy hospital bed with nothing but depressing white walls and ugly curtains covering the window with the view of the street, thinking about the last 2 years of my life and wondering how the hell I ended up here.  None of that mattered though.  Lying warm, chubby and perfectly beautiful in my arms was my son, only a few hours old.

I had heard stories of how the second a Mother sees their child for the first time, it was like a lightning bolt to the heart and you were forever changed.  I always thought it was a load of crap, if I’m being honest, but I guess you just can’t know that until you’re in the exact spot that I am.  I was absolutely floored, the second I looked at his face, because I didn’t expect it to be true.  It couldn’t be more true.  I had never experienced or thought it was possible to love another human being as much as I loved this baby boy in my arms.  I could not get enough of him.  I wanted to hold him, love him and kiss him for the rest of my life and never, ever let go.  Looking down at him in my arms, watching his chest rise and fall with his steady, warm breathing, his perfect plump red lips and thick velvety black hair, my heart suddenly ached more than ever imaginable.  I knew what was coming next and nothing in the world could prepare me for what was ahead of me.

We’ll see how far I can get in the next few months.  If I can get past the frustration and with Harmony’s help (and anyone else willing to offer it!) I will hopefully get past the issues that are getting in my way.