Still breathing

Posted by destiny on March 27, 2008 in 2008 Entries |

I had an appointment with Sandy today (scheduled over three weeks ago) and I lived through it and of COURSE (as I knew) it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be (emotionally).  First of all, I asked her if she remembered or had record of our “agreement” the day I met Dustin’s parents, before he was born, and she said that the permanent adoption records are archived in the Salt Lake location so she wasn’t 100% positive, but said she did not recall anything specifying that they WOULDN’T write after a specific time frame or anything.  She also said that there at the agency, their standard, which of course is just their suggestion, they can’t REQUIRE anything… is that after 4 years, the adoptive parents will write and send a picture(s) once a year, traditionally on or around the child’s birthday.  So, as far as she understands, as well as I did, they should technically be writing at least once a year, indefinitely.

Secondly… I asked if the letter I wrote a few weeks ago had been picked up and she went and checked and it wasn’t.  It’s still there.  This of course kind of upset me (because at this point my biggest fear is that they want nothing to do with me and Dustin won’t get my presents or letters at all) and I started crying and she said she’d go see what she could find out.  She came back and told me that she had the secretary call them right there to inform them that they had a letter waiting and Magui  seemed really excited and asked when they closed and how late she could pick it up, etc.  so apparently she didn’t know there was a letter waiting.  I truly don’t believe that she’s capable of faking something like…  This is why I have had such a hard time accepting that maybe they didn’t want anything to do with me.  It just isn’t THEM.  It just doesn’t make sense…  If they KNEW how I felt, I don’t think they’d ignore it, which is why I really felt the need to write them that huge long letter.

She also reassured me that they would contact me if anything had happened to him.  I explained to her the dreams I have quite often of him being killed or kidnapped or… well a lot of things.  The dreams come too frequently for me to pass them off as nothing, but I’m sure it’s just my subconscious reacting to what I don’t KNOW.  You know as well as I do that I tend to over exaggerate emotions.  If I don’t KNOW how he is, I somehow immediately assume the worst.  She checked though and there is nothing in their file to indicate that they didn’t desire any further communication.  Of course that has happened in the past and I’ve talked to birth mothers who’s adoptive parents have decided to completely cut off communication, but she said that if that were the case, there would be a very clear “No Communication” document in the front of their file, which there’s not… they also have not moved.  They update their information once a year (as do I) and they are still at the same address they were 6 years ago… so I can cross that off of my list of worries.  (Hey, you never know… they could move to Zimbabwe).

She suggested that I wait a month or two and if I still haven’t heard from them, to let her know and if I’d like, she will call them to get more information… and maybe just to get a solid answer on whether they intend to keep communication open or not.  That’s all I really want to know.  I really hope that my letter will explain it well enough and that they understand and are willing to continue writing me.  I acknowledge that ultimately, it’s their decision and there’s nothing I can do about it and I’ll just have to accept it if they choose to not write anymore, but I really hope that they can maybe try to put themselves in my shoes and be understanding to my feelings.  Regardless, I will respect their decision, because I respect them.  As long as they allow me to continue writing, I’m fine with it, because all I really truly care about is that Dustin has the letters that I send him when he’s older.  I don’t want him to feel the way I do right now in wondering “why did the letters stop?” or think that I stopped caring…


We talked for an hour (sessions are always an hour, so it’s nothing special) and I feel better having heard her opinion about some things.  Mostly that pretty much all the feelings I have and everything I’m going through, is normal.  Almost every birth mother she’s worked with has, at one point or another, had the same feelings.  She said memory loss is common.  The subconscious does physically block out things that are too emotionally painful. Somehow in the back of my mind, I know those memories are there, but it’s as if they’re muted.  If I can’t hear them, they don’t exist. 

So… as expected, I do feel a lot better just having talked to Sandy and at least I know that I didn’t agree to some crazy thing without my “sane” knowledge.  So, we’ll see.  I’m trying not to, but… I’m already getting my hopes up.  I can feel it.


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