Snapped

Last night was probably the worst night, by far, that I’ve had in the past few years.  I guess it was only a matter of time before I “snapped”.  I don’t know where it came from or what has happened in the cob webs of my mind to cause this, but I’m trying to just deal with it now. I’m starting to get bits and pieces of my memories that I didn’t know I had and to say the least, it’s a bit painful to be reliving that portion of my life. To be reliving the emotions. I hadn’t realized how numb I was throughout the whole process. From the day I decided to placed Dustin for adoption, to the day he was born up until the day I handed him to his parents are all quite a blur. They always have been, but I have held as tightly as I could to the memories I DO still have from those few days. Now out of no where, I’m getting memories coming into my mind that I didn’t know were there. I guess faaaar back in my mind, I “remember” things, but I never acknowledged them as my own memories… it sounds so ridiculous when I try to explain it into words, but it’s basically as if I read a book a few years ago and I remember certain points of the book, but not the entire story cover to cover….

The one section of memory that I’m having a difficult time with is the day that I met Dustin’s parents face to face and we went into a room with our social workers to talk about… things. I remember meeting Shelton, Dustin’s older brother (who was two at the time) and that I thought it was cute/funny that he was speaking Spanish and English at the same time. I remember him saying “cookie”, although I don’t know what else he was talking about. I remember hugging Magui and Geary and Magui putting her hands on my stomach. Last night, the piece I got back was that I am pretty sure my parents were in the room with us, as well as my oldest sister (although I’m REALLY not sure if that’s true or if I’ve somehow just placed her into a partial memory). I don’t remember anything that we talked about. I don’t remember discussing how we’d like to correspond with each other (specifically how LONG they intended to correspond with me). I was up the entire night reading through all the letters, looking through all the scrapbooks and pictures I have of him. I read and re-read the letters over and over, particularly the last letter I received from them in 2006. I was trying to find some indication that maybe they intended that to be the last letter they ever sent me? I just feel more confused. The letter was so… “normal”. Telling me how Dustin was doing, that he was very polite and loving and he loves to open doors for people. They told me he loves the teddy bear I gave him and he always makes them kiss it goodnight before he can go to bed. They said he loves to give hugs and is an extremely caring child and he can tell when someone is sad. They told me he protects his brother, even though Shelton is older than him, he is almost bigger than him. They were at a birthday party and a boy hit Shelton and Dustin went over to the boy and pushed him and said “don’t hit him, he’s my brother”. They ended the letter by saying “let us know how you’re doing. We love you very much”. It doesn’t seem to me that they didn’t intend on writing anymore :(. It sounded to me like an open ended conversation or something. I need to know.

I called Sandy on Monday, she didn’t answer, so I called on Tuesday and left a voicemail and she hasn’t returned my call yet. I had originally decided that I’d wait until Monday of next week to see if she returns my call, but after last night, I really don’t think I will be able to hold myself together for 4 1/2 more days. I talked to Kent and asked if he’d be alright with me taking a semi-long(er) lunch so I can go down to the agency and hopefully talk to Sandy. If she’s not there, I’ll probably just ask to talk to any social worker there… I’m thinking maybe I’ll feel better just GOING there. Maybe they’ll at least be willing to give me Sandy’s email address. I would be satisfied with that.

Anyway, I’m having a hard time breathing today… my heart hurts and my whole head is throbbing from lack of sleep (and an unhealthy drainage of tears and snot) and my face feels swollen from crying. I really hope going there will help, but you know me… I’m preparing for the worst possible thing I can think of.