Fine line

These past couple weeks have just not been super great.  I totally accept the fact that the majority of my moodiness, I probably have  more control over than I let myself believe, but I’m just so sick of being me right now.  It doesn’t help that I feel like I haven’t slept at all in months, although that’s an exaggeration… I have slept… just not very much and not very well.  Still, I acknowledge that being excessively exhausted doesn’t give me an excuse to be a bitch.  I don’t enjoy being in a bad mood and I don’t enjoy being so tired that I feel like my mind has separated from my body, rendering me partially insane.

I’ll do my best at focusing on good things.

1. Bruce came up from Vegas Thursday and today and it was nice to have him in the office.  When he’s there, I somehow just feel more comfortable and not as “black sheep” as usual.  Today I was able to have a one-on-one meeting with him (we each did) so we went over some things, good and bad, things I can improve on, things I’m doing well, etc.  It was nice.  I really like those kinds of meetings, because it helps me improve, even (especially) the bad.

2. I’m almost done with nieces/nephews Christmas presents.  Got David, Isaac and Eli taken care of yesterday (thanks to Harmony for doing the shopping for me because I don’t physically feel like I’ve had time or energy to enter a store of any kind) and I am done with Kaitlyn, Taisha, Nevaeh, Jake and of course Heidi, who was my drawn sibling this year.  Well, that’s not entirely true… I actually was assigned someone else (can’t remember now… drawing a blank) and requested to switch because I specifically have planned on doing something particular for Heidi.  Anyway, I’m done with that.  I don’t really need to worry about anything for Zack and Lisa, ’cause Bart took care of that.  I can’t take credit for the gift, considering I had nothing to do with it (the decision process or the actual buying), but it’s enough that I don’t feel it necessary at all to get either of them anything more.  I’ve got a couple basics for Bart (boring) and am struggling with what to get him that will be even remotely cool, or appreciated, but I don’t have enough money to get him ANY of the things I WANTED to get him.  Nieces and nephews are easier this year, because little kids like cheap things like games, toys, etc. and the ones I didn’t buy little things for, I’m making by hand.  Makes me sound really cheap, but hey… ok, the truth is, this year I AM really cheap.   This turned into only a half-assed “focus on good things” paragraph.  At least it’s not ALL bad.

3. Work has been good.  Relationships with certain co-workers has improved greatly over the past couple months, although I’m not 100% sure where (or why) that change came from.  I’ll take it though.

I’ve also been working on gifts for Dustin and his brother Shelton.  Harmony helped me pick out fleece and I’m tying blankets for them.  I’ll post pictures when I’m done.  I’m done with one, but have one more to go, that I really need to try to get done this weekend so I can get them to Social Services by early next week so Magui and Geary don’t have to deal with running out RIGHT before Christmas day.

I have to admit the usual “Christmas Cheer” I feel around this time of year… I’m not feeling.  Other than one particular thing that I’m excited about, I’m not really looking forward to Christmas at all.  Not even really anything to do with the DAY (or Holiday) at all, just in general, it’s supposed to be this super happy time of year and it’s just not.  I’m not happy really at all right now and I wish I could just fix things.  I guess I just need to focus on being optimistic and do my best.  There’s only so much I can do on my own.

Yesterday I went down to Santaquin and saw Kaitlyn and Jairus’ school Christmas program.  It was funny, cute and entertaining, but we came late and had to lean up against the back wall the entire time.  I’m not very good at standing that long without fidgeting and getting uncomfortable, so other than that, it was cute.  They sang a song I’d never heard before, called “The 12 Days AFTER Christmas”.  I laughed so hard I could barely stop.  I had to google the lyrics so I could save them. 

The first day after Christmas my true love and I had a fight,
And so I chopped the pear tree down and burned it just for spite.
Then with a single cartridge, I shot that blasted partridge,
My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.
The second day after Christmas, I pulled on the old rubber gloves,
And very gently wrung the necks of both the turtle doves.
My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.
The third day after Christmas, my mother caught the croup;
I had to use the three Frech hens to make some chicken soup.
The four calling birds were a big mistake,
for their language was obscene.
The five gold rings were completely fake and they turned my fingers green .
The sixth day after Christmas, the six laying geese wouldn’t lay,
I gave the whole darn gaggle to the A.S.P.C.A.
On the seventh day what a mess I found,
All seven of the swimming swans had drowned.
My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.
The eighth day after Christmas, before they could suspect,
I bundled up the eight maids a milking, nine pipers piping, Ten ladies dancing, ‘leven lords a leaping, Twelve drummers drumming and sent them back collect.
I wrote my true love, “We are through, love”,
and I said in so many words,
“Furthermore your Christmas gifts were for the birds!”

Anyway, it made me laugh, which I haven’t done much of the past few weeks.  Had dinner at Harmony’s and stayed for a while, then went and visited Robin at work (well, she was off work, so we talked in the parking lot until our appendages were freezing and numb).  So, I got home around 11:30 and just went to bed.

Glad today was Friday and I’m glad I don’t have to work tomorrow, but I can’t say that I’m really looking forward to the weekend all that much, because it’s probably going to be about the same as the past few days.  *Shrug*