Happy Birthday to my (little) big sister!

Today is Harmony’s birthday!  Happy Birthday Harmony!  We had a “girls night” on Friday night at my parents house and watched “Twilight”, “Clueless” and “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days” (Although I fell asleep less than halfway into that one).  It was Harmony, Lena, Mommy, Kaitlyn and me.  Daddy had to stay upstairs in his room :P.  lol  It was really fun though and felt good to spend time with them since we rarely see each other without all the kids, spouses and entire loud, running, rowdy family.  She so doesn’t look 30!  Maybe 30 just isn’t as old as I used to think it was… lol.

So, yesterday we looked at two other houses.  The house I really like, (which I call the “Wood house”) is only $159,9k and is in Lehi, but Bart doesn’t “feel anything for it”.  I know what he means, but I’m a little disappointed.  I mean, I know when you walk into a house, you need to feel like you see yourself living there are have a good feeling about it.  Although I love it, we both have to love it for it to make sense!  We also looked at a house that is listed at $139,9k (WOW) and I LOVE the house, other than the fact that the previous tenants completely trashed the place before moving out.  There’s graffiti and profanities spray painted all over the walls (and CEILINGS) and they knocked holes in some of the walls, shower, ceilings, etc.  Really though, if FHA approved the house and we were able to get like an additional $20,000 loan to fix it up, I would totally buy it.  We’ll have to find out if that’s possible.  FHA is fairly strict when it comes to stuff like that and I don’t know if it’ll work.  We’ve discovered that the only way we can get a house right now is to have a co-signer.  Hopefully it’ll all work out.  Emily has agreed to co-sign for us and although I’m really excited and happy that she would do that for us, I also have the feeling that I don’t want her to do anything she isn’t 100% certain of.  We’ve researched it and talked to the mortgage broker and it should work out just fine.  As soon as my credit is acceptable, we can remove Emily from any obligation to the loan and add me onto it.  Man, I am just so ready to move!  It’s like a roller coaster though… I get my hopes up and feel like we’re getting closer, then no houses work out and I feel like we’re back to square one.  It’s easy to feel like I just want to give up and forget the whole thing – we’ll just live in an apartment forever, but it isn’t supposed to be easy, otherwise it wouldn’t be such a big deal to buy one.  I know we’ll find something and everything will work out, it’s just exhausting.

It seems to me like everyone and their dog is pregnant right now.  (Ok, cat… Dianna’s cat is pregnant!)  I am proud of myself that I’ve been able to be excited for them, but I have to admit there’s that piece of me that aches.  Robin, her sister Tori, Natalee, Jessica, Candice and Janice are some of my closer friends who are pregnant.  I know of a lot of other people (like a couple of my clients, etc) who are pregnant, but these are the ones that even affect me. Robin, Natalee and Candice are all having boys.  Tori is having a girl and Jessica doesn’t know yet… I’m excited for all of them, but it’s hard too.  Robin is due in May, so it’s not that far away.  She’s naming him “Cayden”, which is what I planned to name Dustin when I was pregnant with him.  Natalee is also having a boy and ALSO naming him “Kayden” (just spelled differently).  I think Candice said they’re naming their boy “Jaxon”, or maybe it was “James”, I don’t remember for sure… A few people from my birth mothers group are pregnant too (not placing, but pregnant after having already placed).  It’s emotional for me, because I see so many people around me being happy about their babies, which is wonderful… it just forces me to think about what I didn’t have the chance to be a part of.  It doesn’t help that time just continues to go on and I hear nothing from Dustin’s parents.  I really have “let go” and have been doing really well with it, but it’s inevitable that I still have those days where I can’t help that it hurts to think about it.  I still write to them and it’s hard to write to someone, knowing that there will be no answer.  It almost makes it difficult to write… difficult to know what to say.  I’ve just been keeping things totally the same, talking to them the same as I always have, as if I’ll be getting a response to my one-way conversation.  Hopefully Dustin will just continue to receive the things I send and he’ll understand one day.  It blows my mind to really think that in less than 11 years, I could be in contact with him directly.  One of the women from my birth mothers group just got in contact with her daughter and she’s only 15-16 years old.  Dustin will be that old in only a few years.  lol.  *Sigh*, how time flies.  Let me tell you, it flies whether you’re having fun or not.

Anyway, this is just random writing.  I’m done for now.