La mujer escribe

This week went by really fast, which is actually kinda odd to me considering that it’s been a pretty lazy week.  I pretty much finished quarterlies by Monday, Tuesday I went and hung out with Eli and Isaac while Heather and Christopher went to the temple and while I was there, threw my back out lifting Isaac up… couldn’t go to work on Wednesday because I literally couldn’t stand up (learned that I couldn’t by doing so at 4am and passing out), then was able to come in for half a day yesterday.  Ha.  Today it’s much better, so I’m pretty sure I’ll live.  It’s already Friday though!  I guess staying home from work made it feel like a weekend, so it’s odd that the “real” weekend is already here.  Harmony and David came over on Wednesday and hung out with me all day while I sat at home.  Haha.  They helped the day go by faster and it was just nice to have them around.  I don’t see them very often.

I have one more week until I officially “let go” of my hope to get a letter from Magui and Geary.  My logical mind knows that I won’t.  I know I won’t get anything and I’ve even accepted it, like I can say that out loud without breaking down, but there’s still a small, silent part of me that thinks “you never know, there’s a whole week left of the month and you could get a call next week!”  That’s what I need to stray away from.  By allowing myself to think “you could get a call today… or today…. or maybe today”… that’s what ends up driving me down until I end up crashing.  I have to let go of that.  I have to.  It was just a personal commitment to myself… gave myself the mental time frame so I’d have something real to place in front of me, because them continuing to say they’ll write and they don’t… I can’t hold onto.  Anyway… I’m prepared.

I feel like things are definitely looking up for this year.  Bart got a raise effective Jan. 1st and I’m close to paying off my Doctor’s bills and getting caught up with student loan payments, so maybe in a few weeks or a couple months, we’ll be back to “normal” financially and I won’t have to stress myself sick all the time.  It’s just crazy because I honestly can’t figure out why we’ve been struggling.  Things always end up getting better though :).  I’m confident in that.

So, Bart and I started using “Rosetta Stone” to learn Spanish.  It’s AMAZING to me that just in 3 “chapters” of Rosetta Stone, I feel like I’ve been able to retain more than I did the entire 3 1/2 years of Spanish I took in school.  I think it’ll be extremely useful to be fluent in Spanish and it’s something I’ve really always wanted to do, but never had the time or money to take official classes.  I’m having fun with it though and I love the concept they’re using.  Anyone who knows me, knows that I’m difficult to teach.  Mostly because I have a very hard time paying attention.  I have an even harder time paying attention when there’s nothing to “grab” my attention.  Rosetta Stone uses pictures, which right there is a wonderful thing for me.  I’m a very visual learner.  It makes sense too… I mean, how did I learn how to speak English?  From seeing things!  When you’re raising a child and he’s learning to speak, you do that by basically pointing to something and saying aloud what that thing is.  So, now I have pictures to view with the word they’re saying, then they reuse those words over and over and over in each section.  So one section will teach you the word “manzana”, then the next section will teach you “rojo”, so they’ll combine it and end up with “La manzana es rojo”, or “La mujer come la rojo manzana”.  I still totally need to practice and learn the usage of “la”, “el”, “ella”, etc.  I’m still not sure whether that sentence needs to be “la mujer come EL rojo manzana” or “la rojA manzana”… you get the picture.  Anyway… I’m excited to learn it :).

I keep having extremely strange and vivid dreams and it’s kinda causing me to not sleep very well.  I’m grateful that they’re not nightmares, but at the same time… they’re so strange, I try to block it out after I’ve woken up.  It’s almost been the past week to two weeks that I’ve been dreaming about having a baby.  It’s just really strange, because it’s not like I’m seriously WANTING a baby right now… as a matter of fact, I can almost say that I really DON’T think it’d be good right now… but I can’t figure out why it’s in my subconscious.  I don’t “consciously” think about it, so I don’t understand why I’m “subconsciously” thinking about it.  It doesn’t make sense.  At first I was thinking maybe it’s just because of all my thoughts about Dustin, etc. but usually when I think about Dustin a lot… I have dreams about HIM, but this baby is clearly not him in the dream.  It’s a blonde/red haired little boy.  It usually “starts” with me being pregnant, doing regular things like going to the doctor, feeling him kick, etc. then delivering, which is strange because the setting is exactly the same as when I had Dustin, just different faces.  Then it fast forwards like 2 years.  LOL!  Ok, I just don’t know… it’s just bothering me that I keep having these dreams.  It’s making me feel weird, like almost dumb that I’m even thinking about it.  Of course NOW I’m “thinking” about it, because I’m talking about the dream.  I haven’t told Bart about them, but really only because I feel so silly :(.  I haven’t told anyone, other than anyone that reads this.  LOL  Which is not likely to be anyone :p.  Ok, I’m done!