50 days and counting…

I actually feel fairly silly that I’ve been holding on and waiting in silence for as long as I have.  It’s seriously been over a month since “M” and I have talked and although I was fairly positive we’d share a room at the Birthmombuds event, it’s kinda clear to me now that we’re not.  How much of a loser am I to keep waiting for her to accept my apology?  LOL  I still wish she would, but I sure as hell am not gonna apologize again.  I’ve apologized twice, which is once more than I normally would, because I felt bad enough about how I made her feel by the things I said and I love her enough to try more than once.  However, that’s about where I draw the line.  She hasn’t even acknowledged me with an “f-off” or anything, so… I can take the hint.  My dumb “thought it was a joke” that ended up offending her may have cost me her friendship.  But that’s that.  There’s nothing else I can do.

So yeah, I finally called and reserved my room this morning.  Maybe this is still the naive part of me… but, I even reserved a room with 2 full beds, rather than a room with 1 king bed (those were my options), JUST in case someone needs a roommate.  LOL  Hmmm… denial much?  Whatever… not like I’ll mind an empty bed next to me since the room would have cost the same regardless if I had picked one or two beds.  *Shrug*

I am excited for the event, mostly because after years of Coley being one of my closest friends, I will finally be able to meet her face to face… hug her, talk to her in person and hopefully have a bit of crazy fun.  The majority of these ladies really have been my closest friends over the past few years and it’s funny that you can be such close friends with people that you’ve never met in person.  Actually, I have met Pam in person, when she showed up on my doorstep in December to deliver my “Secret sister” gift.  (Which floored me and was a really awesome surprise).  I’m sad that Brie isn’t going to make it… way excited that Anomar is coming, because other than Coley, Anomar has been my “longest” friend at Birthmombuds.  I have to admit though (which I actually hate doing right now, but I still will) that I’m a little nervous about how things are going to be between “M” and me.  It is SO unlike me to let something like this affect me so much, especially when I know that it was an innocent mistake on my part and I truly don’t believe she should be holding it against me for so long, but I won’t look down on her for it… she can feel what she feels, obviously.  So yeah, I totally feel ridiculous that I’m thinking about there being an awkwardness there when we meet face to face and I feel ridiculous because it really shouldn’t matter, but for some reason it does to me.  I guess I should just stop thinking about it.  I can’t control it and I’ve already done what I could and apparently it’s not enough for her.  Ok, I’ll stop this rant.  I’m done.

Addie went to Baltimore last week and she had a two hour layover in SLC on the 4th, so my mom, dad and I went up and had lunch with her (at Denny’s… WOOOOO!) before she boarded to go to Baltimore… then her return was yesterday and she had a 3 hour layover in SLC, so we went to lunch again.  This time we went to “The Red Iguana” – classic mexican food.  It was super good and I can honestly say it’s the only Mexican restaurant (in Utah) I’ve been to where they did NOT give ridiculously huge portions.  I was really surprised (and pleased) that they brought out my chicken chimichanga and NOT any enormous sides of rice and beans and lettuce and what not.  Just the chimichanga, sour cream, guacamole and a super spicy pepper.  It was way good.  If anyone reading this (in Utah) has never been there… you should go.  It’s on South Temple in downtown SLC.  Yeah, kinda in the ghetto, but believe me… it’s worth it.  Anyway… it was fun to see her twice in the same month.  That doesn’t happen usually.  Heh.

After lunch yesterday I took my parents home and hung out there for a while.  My mom actually threw her arms around me like a little kid and said “Don’t go back to work, stay here with meeee!”  How could I resist that face?  So yeah, I hung out with her for a couple hours since I wasn’t fully intending on going back to work anyway.  It was nice to have some one-on-one with my Mommy too.  My dad was there, but he was playing in the office or something.  It’s not very often that I have a chance to talk to my mom without all the grandkids and siblings around, so yeah… it was nice.  She’s re-decorating my old bedroom to be an extra room for the kids mostly, so she’s painted the walls (a really cute green color) and has all these cute plans for it… when she was cleaning it out though, she found a few things in my closet that I didn’t know I had left there.  For ONE… MY ICE SKATES!  I SERIOUSLY thought that I had lost them during one of my many moves over the past 7 years.  I had no idea they were at my parents house and it made me super happy to know that I didn’t in fact lose them.  Now, we’ll just have to see if I can still skate.  hahaha.  I was talking to a friend yesterday afternoon (after telling her my Mom found my skates) and she laughed saying “I find it funny that you trip over your own feet walking straight on the ground, but you can ice skate and dance without a problem.”  I agree.  I’ll totally admit I run into walls, among many other things, trip on my own feet sometimes, fall up the stairs, break almost everything I touch and am constantly hurting myself… but for some reason, when I used to be on the ice, I felt completely relaxed, like I didn’t have to FOCUS on not screwing things up.  Thinking about the feeling of sliding around on the ice, the cold rink air making my nose and cheeks turn red… wow, I miss it more than I realized.  I miss dancing more than I realized too.  So many things I gave up so long ago, trying to run from the person I used to be.  I may not be that girl anymore, but I’m realizing NOW that just because I didn’t want to be that girl anymore, doesn’t mean I had to burn and destroy everything I loved and cared about just to let go of the past.  David somehow made me realize how much I missed dancing.  Which is funny, considering I’ve only “known” him a couple months?  If that?  I don’t even know… but again, another person I’ve never met face to face, but as been such a good friend.  I’ve been able to talk to him about things I barely (or don’t at all) talk to my “best” friends about and I still don’t know why.  It’s so unlike me to talk to someone like that about personal things, ESPECIALLY a GUY!  He’ll probably never really know how much he’s helped me look past things and accept that who I am is who I am, regardless of how it was tied to my past.  If I want to dance, that doesn’t mean I’m gonna jump back into the crowd I was with when I danced… this time I can just dance alone.  There are a lot of things I used to do that made me ME, that I intentionally destroyed after Dustin was born, my life ripped from the seams and we picked up everything we knew and moved to another city to get me away from *that* life… and by doing that, somehow I felt that I had to completely erase everything that made me who I was.  It’s been years.  I literally haven’t skated in almost 9 years.  I haven’t danced in about 7 years.  I haven’t played basketball in even longer… because I started doing drugs and abusing myself, got kicked out of basketball for fighting… and never went back.  *Sigh*  Sometimes it sucks being able to look back on things and KNOW how you would have done things differently, but obviously there’s nothing you can do to change the past.  I won’t say I have regrets, because honestly I don’t… but there are just some things I missed out on because of my own decisions.  I guess it’s never too late.

Ok, well… I should probably get some work done, considering I only worked like 2 hours yesterday.

50 days ’til North Carolina! 

*Insert*

By the way… as much as I don’t love the snow, I absolutely love the mountains when they look like this: