First of all, the job interview I mentioned in the previous post… well, I doubt that’s gonna happen.  For one, when they called me, they told me they were interviewing myself and one other person that they had previously interviewed months ago.  Then I called back a couple days later and was told by a different person that they were interviewing TONS of people and it would be “a while” before they made a decision.  Basically eliminated my hopes to Zero.  The End.

I’ve been having a really hard time thinking straight lately.  I don’t know what I want to do.  I don’t know what I can do and it seems that no one’s willing to give me a  chance either way.  I feel trapped.  I feel useless.  I’m trying really hard not to constantly be a huge downer, (I really do try and most of the time I’m able to pull of a fairly content front so people aren’t constantly asking me how I’m doing…) but still, I just feel like I’m standing still in life.  I see hardly anything happening in my future and I feel like I’m gonna die without having accomplished anything, or done anything.  -This thinking may be what lead me to the current craziness that everyone seems to be against.  I applied for a (seasonal) job in Alaska, working at some fishing lodges.  I’m acquainted with the man that owns said lodges and we had a really good professional relationship, so unless he is just completely fully staffed, which is possible considering the season actually started a month ago, but I think there’s a chance he might be willing to give me a job.  Room and board basically included.  Bart is always great and his response to me telling him about this was “if it’s something you want to do, go for it.”  On the inside, I know he thinks I’m insane and maybe there’s even part of him that thinks I can’t do it.  I don’t really care much.  I’m not saying I don’t care what he thinks, but in general, all that matters to me is that he’s supportive (even if it’s fake support) and kisses me goodbye when I go.  Their season only goes until mid September and honestly, I think it would be good for me to get away from here without doing something completely irresponsible and possibly damaging things permanently.  I figure I can’t really afford to just run away somewhere just to take time for myself, so the next best thing would be to run away and WORK while I’m at it.  I think it’d be good for me.  For a lot of reasons.  Honestly though, with my luck, it won’t happen anyway, so it won’t hurt anything to have tried.  I know everyone is laughing at me about it, (other than maybe Michelle, Harmony and Robin, who actually agreed that it would be good for me…) but honestly that actually motivates me even more to see if it’s possible.  I simply feel like with every person that tells me that’s crazy, it’s one more person telling me that I “can’t”, which is what motivates me to try for it.  It’s nice to know that people in my life don’t think I can survive on my own… and without Bart “taking care” of me, I’d be nothing.  Comforting feeling, really….   *Thumbs up*  …Don’t get me wrong.  Bart DOES take care of me and I appreciate his hard work more than anything.  I appreciate him more than anything right now, because without him, I’d probably just never get out of bed.  But what I’m struggling with is the fact that people seem to think I CAN’T survive without him taking care of me.  I’m referring to a comment like “you think you could live without Bart for three months?”  Would I miss him?  Absolutely.  Could I physically breathe in and out and feed myself and bathe myself and go to the bathroom and go from point A. to point B.?  Yeah, actually, I think I probably could.  Thanks.

On a happier note – I’m down 8 lbs.  Woot.