M.I.A….

Not only has it been a long while since I’ve written on here, but a lot of people have noticed that I haven’t been “around” much.  I’ve definitely had a lot of things going on in my mind the past few months, but the good news is, I can feel myself coming out of it.

I still don’t have a job.  I apply for as many jobs a day that I can physically do, yet still no job and my unemployment expires in about 2 weeks left.  Fortunately, after stressing myself sick, I built up the courage to call the Unemployment office and ask about extensions.  I had heard from someone that Utah wasn’t doing extensions on claims, so it really freaked me out.  I was worried that if I called and asked about it, they would perceive that as “obviously I have no intention of getting a job, so I’m just gonna ask about extending it 4 weeks early to make sure I can keep collecting money.”  Something like that.  So I felt horrible calling.  The second the woman answered the phone, I burst into tears.  I’m thinking maybe the tears helped (LOL) because she was immediately sympathetic and very nice to me.  The people that work at the unemployment office are usually not so nice.  Can’t really blame them, though.  I can only imagine the type of people they talk to all day… anyway, I told her my situation and that I’ve been unemployed since January and I feel like I’m working as hard as I physically and emotionally can stand to find a job and still nothing good has come of it.  She made me feel better by saying that they could SEE how many jobs I apply for each day (and that’s JUST from the DWS website… that doesn’t factor in jobs I apply for listed in local Newspapers, Monster.com, Indeed.com, Jobs.com, etc. etc. etc..) and she said that I apply for more jobs in one day than most people do in a whole week.  Whether she was saying that just to cheer me up, or not, it made me feel better.  She also said that if I haven’t found a job by the time my benefits expire, I’d immediately be granted a 20 week extension.  I said something along the lines of “I hope to God I don’t have to use that, because I think if I’m unemployed for 20 MORE weeks, I’ll go insane.”  *Sigh*  I’m trying SO hard to believe that something good is out there for me.  I constantly feel guilty watching Bart go off to work every day and working all day, paying our bills, taking care of everything, while I basically do nothing.  That’s how it feels.  I’ve focused very hard lately on paying as MUCH attention as I can to how lucky I am to have him.  The small things he does, all the way to the biggest things, like going to work every day and NOT making me feel guilty of the fact that I am not working.  I’m so grateful for him.

This past week, we started on (and finished!) our fence.  It’s funny, because when we bought this house, we SWORE that fencing in the back yard would be the very first thing we did.  Well, obviously now that we’ve been here almost two years, that clearly wasn’t the first thing we did.  Main factor being that fence supplies cost MONEY (Gasp!  Really!?)  Yeah… well, we finally just did it.  We’ve been trying for a WHILE now to get a good weekend (weather wise) to start it.  Last weekend was sunny, so we just up and decided “Lets do it NOW!”  So, we did.  Nick and Megan were over here every single day for the past week, helping with the fence and hanging out.  Last week, I think, is what gave me a push to get out of my slump.  It might sound pathetic, or just really weird, but having Megan here every day REALLY helped me in a lot of ways.  For one, I was motivated to get dressed every day.  LOL  That might sound reeeaally dumb, but seriously, when all you do all day every day is get up, search for jobs online, make phone calls, etc. etc. etc.  What’s the point in getting dressed?  It’s not like you SEE anyone!  I did, however, shower and get dressed on interview days, but you get my point.  Plus, having someone to talk to (other than Gideon… no offense pup) was really good.  Sometimes I feel like I’m so closed off from the outside world.  So, without blabbing too much about it… it was really nice to have her around and I’m grateful for her putting up with me.  I dropped her off at the airport Friday afternoon and literally laughed at myself because as I was leaving the airport after giving her a hug and watching her struggle into the airport with a baby stroller AND luggage cart, I felt like I already missed her.  Just simply that I’ve enjoyed having a woman around that listens and can relate to me.  And I won’t lie, having baby Jacklynn around has does amazing things for my soul.  She’ll be gone for 18 days visiting her family back east.  Hopefully Nick doesn’t spend all his time cooped up in the basement while she’s gone 😛 lol  Sooo… the fence is done.  And I love it.  And I love that Bart is such a hard worker and spent extra time to make it as perfect as possible.  It’s so beautiful and straight and level and perfectly spaced.  lol  I love his “perfectionist” tendencies.  Gideon loves the yard and I love that he can run around without being tied to a rope in the front yard.  Now the next project will be making a lawn back there.  *Sigh*  (Btw, there are tons of pictures posted on Facebook if you haven’t seen it already.  I’m not posting them here too 😛 )

I’m surprised I even want to talk about this, because honestly I didn’t plan to, nor did I think that I could talk about it… but… *Shrug*  A couple weeks ago, Jimmy told me that his girlfriend is pregnant.  We were talking (texting) normally… casually, as normal friends do (asked him how his camping trip went, etc. blah blah) and he said “I have something to tell you”.  At this point, I was cutting vegetables and preparing dinner to put in the crock pot for that night.  The second I read it, my mind immediately said “Please don’t tell me she’s pregnant”.  I knew.  Then the next text… “Emily is pregnant.”  This is the part that I hate to admit anywhere that I know there’s a chance people are gonna read it…. but to say that my responding reaction was “unexpected”, is a large understatement.  I SO did not expect my reaction, that I think it was even more extreme than it would have been.  At first (for a few seconds) I read the statement, then turned to continue cutting vegetables.  Focused on cutting them and getting it done… then out of no where I started hyperventilating, followed quickly by sobbing.  I ended up on the kitchen floor with my knees pulled up to my forehead, just sobbing uncontrollably.  Why?  No idea.  I certainly had no clue what to say to him, because I didn’t even know what I was doing or why.  After a few minutes of this, I decided I needed someone to talk sense into me.  Help me figure out WHY it was affecting me at all.  I started feeling angry that it was affecting me and didn’t understand why I cared at all.  I called Michelle.  The only person I could think to call, really.  LOL  Poor girl.  But it’s things like this that act as a small reminder to me of how great of a friend she is.  I barely had to say anything (couldn’t really, because I could hardly breathe) and she sat and calmly told me to take deep breaths and to calm down.  We talked for a while and got to a point where I was breathing normally and not fully sobbing anymore.  Enough to let her return to her work LOL.  I love knowing that if she hadn’t been at work, she probably would have stayed on the phone with me all afternoon.  Actually, work or not, she probably would have.  I’m blessed to have such a great friend.  ANYWAY… now, like 2 weeks later… I’ve finally been able to sort through most of my feelings and figure out WHY I feel the way I do.  SO many things went through my head that day and at least the whole week following, it really affected me poorly NOT knowing why I felt the way I did.  I won’t go into everything, detailing what was going through my mind, but the conclusion was this:  I struggle with the fact that MY son is going to have a sibling… and the fact that it isn’t going to be from me.  Not that Jimmy is having a child and it isn’t with me… just simply that my (our) child is going to have a sibling that isn’t coming from me.  I don’t know if that makes sense.  Well, it does to me.  I admit there’s part of me that thinks “he’ll be there for her the way he wasn’t for me”, but I’ll just get over that.  But Dustin having a biological sibling will be forever.  It’s also frustrating to me that a lot of people in my family, and some of my friends, disagree with how I feel about it.  Meaning that I WANT Dustin to know as much as he can about his biological families.  As it is, he knows everything about me, Bart, my family, my nieces and nephews and so forth.  So WHY would I NOT tell him about this?  I’ve had people say “it isn’t your news to tell”.  Well, for one, Jimmy isn’t going to write him.  He never has, so I don’t see why he would now JUST to tell him “hey, I’m having another kid.”  …Doubtful.  Secondly… Jimmy and I are friends.  No matter what my temporary emotions are, Jimmy still is one of my best friends, so when he shared his information with me, I don’t see why I can’t tell OUR son.  Not to mention that I would MUCH rather he just grow up knowing about his biological families, rather than him possibly decide he wants to find/meet us one day and THEN find out he has biological siblings.  I just think it’d be a lot better for him to know these things before hand.  I’ve already made a very strong effort throughout the last 9 years to eliminate as many questions as possible.  That doesn’t guarantee how he’ll feel about me (or “us”) in 10-15 years, but at least I know I tried all I could to make sure he doesn’t suffer in any way, shape, or form.  So, that’s that.  I’m going to tell him when Jimmy is comfortable with me telling him.  (Also keep in mind that these letters go through his parents, so it’s at THEIR discretion when or IF he knows these things…)

Ok, so that aside…

Mother’s Day.  I almost wish that was all I had to say.  LOL  …”Mother’s Day.  The End.”  This year has been strange for me.  I always know I’m going to struggle at least a little on and around Mother’s Day.  This year has been hard.  I had a really hard time dealing with the fact that I could not make it to the event in North Carolina this year.  I just couldn’t afford it.  Not only did ticket prices more than double from what they were last year, but not having a job made me feel like I shouldn’t be spending money at all.  And to be perfectly honest, I didn’t think it was going to affect me that much.  SURE I was sad that I wasn’t gonna see Coley and Lani and all my friends that I have come to love so much, but I didn’t think missing the “event” itself was going to affect me as badly as it did.  As that weekend crept up, I felt myself feel more and more sad, then to the day where I would have been arriving if I’d gone.  I cried pretty much the whole day, off and on.  I got a call that night from Coley and got to talk to Ali as well.  It really brightened my mood.  I definitely missed them and I wish I had been able to go, but them calling me made my day.  Made my weekend.  At least I knew someone else thought of me.

Birth Mother’s Day (the day before Mother’s Day; for those of you who don’t know) kind of came and went.  I thought about it the whole day, but at least had working on the fence to distract me a little.  Bart and I spent most of the morning between Home Depot and building/putting together the gate kits (more like he put them together and I sat holding things when he asked) and then Zack, Xoe and Nick came over and we had a BBQ and played “Bullshit” and it was fun.  The hardest part about the day for me, oddly, was every time I got a notification from Facebook from “Birthmothers Oasis”, I would have a wave of emotions.  I’m not exactly sure how I became a part of that group… I imagine I must have “Liked” it or something at some point, but I really don’t know.  But basically a group of Birth Mothers commenting on how their day was going, and so on… but I struggled a LOT with reading posts from women saying how their day was made when their child’s adoptive parents sent them a card, or an email, or pictures, or something.  Don’t get me wrong… I AM happy for birth mother’s that receive correspondence from their child’s parents.  I really am.  But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t HURT me when I’m reminded over and over of what I DON’T have.  What I DON’T receive.  What I wouldn’t give for a letter from them right now.  Or even better; a picture.  What I wouldn’t give…

I received a text from Heather, wishing me a Happy Birthmother’s Day and once again confirming how wonderful of a sister (“in-law”) she is.  As usual, she’s one of the very few who go out of their way to acknowledge me as a Mother… and acknowledge Dustin.  She always says something on his birthday too.  She’s one of the few people I can be completely open with about how I feel about this particular topic and not feel like I’m “boring” her, or that she doesn’t care to hear it.  I know that sounds mean, but it’s true… that’s how I feel with most people when I try to talk about him.  Anyway, it meant a lot.

Something strange went through my mind yesterday.  I mean, I’m USED to Mother’s Day being a difficult day.  And I’ll admit that when I woke up yesterday, I almost immediately had tears in my eyes.  I tend to try to avoid it, but I just let myself cry for a bit.  In between those tears, I had a feeling that was new.  I sat there on my bed and cried and found myself thinking… Am I crying because of the baby I let go of 9 years ago?  Because I missed out on him growing up and the milestones in his life?  That’s I’m sort of in “limbo” when it comes to this celebrated holiday because I gave birth to a child, but am not raising him?  ……or am I crying because I so badly ache to BE a Mother and I’m not. ….?  This is the first Mother’s Day since Dustin was born that I actually found myself aching for the fact that I WANT to be a Mother and I’m not.  The more time that goes on, the easier I find it to talk about this particular topic.  I used to intentionally hide how I felt about this, but I’m just not going to anymore.  I think almost everyone knows now and won’t be surprised when I say that the past few months, maybe even a year, I’ve become more and more “ready” to be a Mom.  It’s something I think about every single day and something Bart and I talk about.  I won’t go into detail and obviously it isn’t happening right now (I say “obviously” because OBVIOUSLY I’m NOT pregnant…) but my point is simply that this is the first Mother’s Day that I’ve found myself crying for a different reason OTHER than simply aching for the child I wasn’t able to raise.  It was a strange change of emotions for me.  Either way, yesterday was an ok day.  I felt “down” most of the day, but it didn’t consume me… and I got to spend almost the entire day cuddled up next to my love, even though we didn’t do anything special, it was just right.  Again, I don’t think I’d ever be able to say it enough times…  I am so grateful for him.  He may not always understand me, or my emotions, or agree with me… but he’s as supportive as he can be when he doesn’t fully understand the reasons behind it.

I feel really jumbled today, like I have so many things on my mind and can’t straighten all of them out… but as for right now, I need to get back to my job search.  *YAY*!  (::Insert eye roll here::)