De-ja-vu

Harmony finally moved into her house!  She got keys on Friday, Saturday we went up to Sandy to try to help her get things together out of my parents house and went down to Santaquin to help a little (ok, I really wasn’t any help at all other than transporting her computer).  Then Sunday I went up to Sandy to get Harmony and David (and Jaxon) because they were stuck up there with an overheated jeep, and dropped Bart off at Zack’s on the way up there.   I’ll have to take a picture of her house next time I’m down in Santaquin.  It’s funny that after my entire family moved AWAY from Santaquin, seems like everyone is slowly migrating back down there.  I, for one, have no intention of ever moving back there.  I think Springville is probably the farthest south I’ll ever agree to live, unless it’s outside of Utah.  Anyway, her house is way adorable and I’m still way excited for her.  I think it’ll be good for her to be closer to friends (Lena and Janice in particular) and for David to be closer to cousins and of course C.S. Lewis Academy 😛 (Harmony has practically already put him on the waiting list!) I gotta share a quick picture of Harmony’s new baby, Jaxon:

After running Harmony from Sandy to Santaquin, I went back up to AF and we had dinner and hung out at Zack’s for a while.  When I got there, Bart informed me that we got a check in the mail (since a lot of our mail is still being forwarded to Zack’s) from Aflac with a check.  I was thinking “oh cool, spiffy”.  I truly had it set in my mind that we may get $50, $100, maybe even $200 from Aflac just to “help out”, since that’s what they’re always advertising… Aflac “helps out”.  What I WASN’T expecting was a check for $885.00 that pays for 2 of my medical bills in full and more than half of the third.  I now have the Anesthesiologist paid off completely, plus the Surgeon (plus the Dr. bills before, which Lisa kindly paid for me since it was only $91) and still have about $300 I can put toward IHC and after all that, I’ll only have maybe $300 left.  I TOTALLY was not expecting to have these bills paid off before the end of the year, but now I think it’s totally doable!  Way exciting.  I don’t feel nearly as stressed about it.

Oh some other happiness – I got an email update (which I do every couple months) from MyFico.com informing me that my credit score has increased 12 points since July :).  Woohoo!!!  I still have shit for credit though and only God knows how long it’ll take before it doesn’t look like a psycho person’s credit.  Ugh.  It drives me crazy.  If only there was a “Redo” button for specific parts of life, huh?

I feel like I’ve been working non-stop lately.  Working regular 8:30-5:00 every day, then going home to work on files for CT just seems like I haven’t had much time for anything fun.  Fun… Heh.  That brings me to my thought process of today.  For some reason, unbeknownst to me, I’m fairly sure I’m either about to go head on into a mid-life crisis, or a simple phase of wishful thinking.  Sometimes I’m sick of being “responsible”.  I’m sick of focusing on doing what “has to be done” to get through life… Car payment, mortgage, bills, work… work, work, bills, laundry, dishes, work, work… Everything is work.  I wanna have some fun.  I want to pierce my nose, but “can’t”, because it’s not allowed in the office.  I’m tired of feeling like I need to buy clothes to specifically cover my tattoos, because it’s not acceptable in the office.  I wanna go be ridiculous and get drunk and dance, but my first thought is “gotta be to work at 8:30 tomorrow morning!”  Why is work always my first thought?  Then again, without “work”, I wouldn’t have any of the things I have right now, but because of it, my life is slowly becoming more and more boring.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to spread depression and whine about how bored I am, because I make my own choices and I chose to be where I am now.  I choose to work, I choose to have the car I have, I chose the house I live in, I chose to own the things I won, therefore, I choose to work full time to take care of all those things.  I find myself OFTEN during my work day, thinking “I wanna go to the zoo” or “hiking sounds really fun right now” or go lay on the grass in the sun and read a book, or go to the art museum since it’s less than a mile away from me now, or go visit friends I haven’t seen in years.  I want to spend more time with my nieces and nephews.  I wanna go camping more, or go bungee jumping.  I’ve always wanted to go bungee jumping… never have.  I live in UTAH, yet I never go skiing or snowboarding.  I’ve never even SEEN a ski resort in person.  I could make a huge list of things I want to do, but it would just go on forever and make me more depressed about the things I don’t do.  There’s no point in making myself depressed because I CHOOSE to work as much as I do and that sacrifices the opportunities to just play all the time like some people do.  Maybe I’ve just mapped out my life to have success… not necessarily to have fun.  I should make a “Bucket List” LOL

Have you ever gone years and years without seeing or talking to someone, only to have them pop back into your life, even if it’s not in person.  What if that happens to be a person that was a HUGE part of your life years ago?  Someone who contributed to making you the person you are today.  Someone you would have willingly given your life to if things had worked out differently…  I can say from experience that it kinda messes with your mind.  I wish I had more control over my thoughts, but after last night, I’ve discovered I definitely do not.  I had very clear vivid (yet completely unrealistic and ridiculous) dreams last night of this person and woke up in one of those “can’t tell what’s real and what’s not” states.  It’s extremely frustrating that I’ve been thinking about it all day and can’t seem to ignore it.  Frustrating that I don’t even have THAT much control over my OWN mind.  You’d think that you kind of have physical control over your own thoughts, right?  SO wrong.  At least not “conscious” control.  Having even the briefest conversation with this person threw me for a loop… if you can even call it a conversation.  I’ll admit I think about him every once in a while… just in the sense of “I wonder how he’s doing” or just hoping that he’s happy and found someone to treat him well.  Now that it’s clear and presented to my face, part of me feels happy that he found that and part of me (the part that frustrates the hell out of me) finds myself missing him.  Yet, it’s not ME… it’s the “me” that I was 8-9-10 years ago.  I have no regrets about my choices and I completely love my life and who I’m with, but the illogical part of me can’t let go of that.  It’s completely true – at least for me – that you never forget your first love.  He absolutely was my first love.  My first everything.  I think in a lot of ways, he has stuck with me throughout the years even more than the father of my child.  Isn’t that even more insane?  Maybe it’s because he was literally the ONE guy that didn’t make me feel like shit about myself.  The one boyfriend I had as a teenager that I ever really felt loved me for who I was, not just getting in my pants.  I’ll admit that teenage girl was heartbroken when we were torn apart… and I felt like we were… torn apart.  It was painful to look at him… me being pregnant with someone elses baby… and not simply saying “I’m sorry” to him.  I’ll probably never really know, but I always felt like I hurt him so much.  I’ll never have the courage to ask though.  It isn’t relevant.  That’s why I’ll remind myself that I’m so glad he found someone to make him happy.  He has the most beautiful little family and I’m so happy that he didn’t end up the way half of our old friends did.  The past is a funny thing, isn’t it?  Can’t change it or go back, but you can’t ever get rid of it either.

Ah, so this Saturday is Lisa’s birthday (49th!  Muuuahaha) and we’re taking her to “Texas Roadhouse”.  I’ve never been there, but have only heard good things.  She’s been wanting to go since it opened too, so… hopefully it doesn’t disappoint!

Robin’s birthday is on Sunday (had the same problem last year of their birthday’s interferring with eachother’s!) and they’re going to the cabin Saturday night.  Depending on when we take Lisa to dinner and when we’re done, hopefully I can make it up there to hang out with her a bit to celebrate her birthday.  We’ll see how the weekend goes!

Taisha’s birthday is next Wednesday.  It’s INSANE how fast time goes by.  She’s going to be 18!  Geeeeeeez.  Can’t believe Nevaeh’s going to be 1 in December too.

Last night I went to the group meeting at LDS Social Services with Melissa.  I was nervous as hell… I’m always nervous going into that building, no matter how calm I try to make myself be.  I was even more nervous going into that room where I spent almost ever Tuesday evening during my pregnancy.  It brings up a lot of emotions to see young girls going through the exact thing that I did years ago.  I had to throw aside how it made me feel and focus on being there for Melissa.  She has every intention of keeping her baby and parenting him/her herself, but she doesn’t fully grasp the reality of what a baby brings.  I truly don’t see how she’ll do it without tremendous suffering on both her part and the baby’s, not to mention the risk she’s putting a child having the father that it does.  (Sorry, but that’s my view on it!)  Yet she doesn’t understand adoption either.  I do not want to pursuade her either way and refuse to be part of “making” her place her baby for adoption, but at the same time, I DO believe this baby would be better off with a stable and able family to take care of it.  She asked if I’d continue to go to the meetings with her.  They’re every Tuesday, so I may talk to my boss about just getting off early every Tuesday for a while.  All the girls there were asking me to bring in my pictures of Dustin next time, etc. and they referred to me as an “Adoption veteran”.  Come on, am I that old?! LOL  I still see Dustin as a baby, so  until someone actually makes me focus on the fact that he’s almost EIGHT years old, I still see him as the baby I had in my arms the minute he was born.  Maybe it will help for them to hear how it is for me, almost 8 years later.  At the same time, I really don’t feel like I’m “worthy” of having that placed on me.  I don’t feel like I’m a good example of that.  Especially right now, when I’m an emotional rollercoaster of psycho, constantly thinking about Melissa’s pregnancy and situation and the fact that I have NO control over what she chooses for herself and this baby.  I can’t even describe how that feels.  I am just scared to death for her.  I’m scared for her either way.  If she really does keep and parent this baby, I’m scared for her.  If she chooses adoption… I’m scared for her.  I would never WANT anyone, especially my life long best friend, to go through what I have, but I can honestly say that regardless of how much I’ve hurt throughout the past 8 years, I still do not regret my decision to place Dustin for adoption and 100% KNOW that it was the best thing for him.  Even if I don’t get the updates I was promised, I can still feel assured that he is completely taken care of, loved and doesn’t have to suffer through things I did.  Sometimes I still wonder how it’ll be in 10 or so years and wonder if he’ll really understand and believe my reasons.  I try not to get too caught up in that though.  Heh.

Anyway, this is definitely long enough and my hand hurts.  I might need to go see a Physical Therapist soon and ask their opinion on my progress.  Bleh.